Friday, 20 December 2013


Or the time of giving thanks as we say over here is something that happens this time of year. Though, and I'm sure you'll agree because you don't always see it, we don't realise what we should be thankful for all year round. It's only when we reflect, and understand everything's meaning to ourselves are we then grateful for everything's existence.

This might sound a little silly, but there's been a song playing in my work from the Muppet's Christmas Carol, and it's got me thinking, as these things do, considering my current mood and outlook on life and the world in general...

'Every night will end, and every day will start, with a grateful prayer and a thankful heart.' And I am grateful, no matter my mood, for all the small things as well as the big ones. From coffee to lemon curd, to the sudden bursts of inspiration, the first walk of spring, reading trees, and the warm summer breeze. Adventures into the unknown, band photos, and slow-mo strutting. I am thankful for the memories that we have made. Firepit dances, speechless pier gazing, midnight talks, slow dancing in a club, quiet drinks down the pub, and beyond. 

And I am particularly thankful for and as the song goes on to say: 'Life is like a journey, who knows when it ends? Yes, and if you need to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends.' And I am, it has to be said, the wealthiest of men because of it. 
Is it a risk to love, what if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?
Peter McWilliams

Keep on Carping! (Carpe diem...)

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Okay I Admit It...

I am Thomas Edward Ajax-Lewis, and I have depression...

It took me so long to write that earlier, on actual paper. I was avoiding the topic with filler sentences in a journal I've started to get all the bad thoughts and everything out of my head. This used to be the place where I vented, but the thoughts have been getting darker and darker for a few years now. I wouldn't want to do that to you.

So why am I telling you all this now? Truthfully, I thought it was actually time to start speaking about it. I've probably been quite upset for a while now. Even before Uni. It might have had something to do with me being a very angry child. I was diagnosed in the summer after first year. My nine week headache was a symptom disabling me from getting up on some days, making me angry and intolerable on others. But when I returned to Uni it disappeared. It was all in my head after all. But really the reason I'm talking about this now, is that I watched a video on Facebook earlier...

And while watching it, I was in tears, I wasn't sure why I reacted so emotionally to it, but I think it might have been because I related to most things that kindly voice was saying. I keep saying that everyone has off days, and I've been having a lot of off days recently. As much as my job makes me smile, I'm only really smiling when I'm with my friends. My workmates can tell when I'm having a quiet day, they tell me that I have sad eyes. So, its now time. Enough is enough. I'm sick of the dark thoughts, the thoughts that make me angry at people for no reason, the thoughts that send me loopy. This is the reason why I can't spend anytime by myself doing nothing. I am the worst person I know, and my mind knows it. But it's okay. If I talk about it, and keep on top of it, I'm doing something about it. Right?

I think my Mother already knows. And she's probably known all along. From a few months ago, to last Summer, to beyond that. She worries, as do I, and I'm thankful that she's concerned and misses me. And I'm thankful for all the love I have in the world, from all of you my nearest and dearest, to my most distant and pally. I am luckier than most, and I've just got to keep remembering that. I admit I'm not the most interesting at times, or chatty, and I can be wonderfully annoying, but social interaction seems to be the best way for me to combat this. Or at least keep it at bay. And whether that means drinks, or a casual text, then so be it.

My mind rested for the first time in a long while after a text conversation I had with Tag yesterday morning. Just checking in, and chatting for the hell of chatting. Having grown up in an unhappy neighbourhood and town for that matter, I'm thankful for my family, although I know depression has touched their lives as well. I found out recently that both Mum and Dad have suffered at one time or another. Dad's Best Friend killed himself 23 years ago. 3 of my childhood friends have suffered with it, and one of them killed themselves. You can't dwell on the past, or family history, you've just got to focus on the now and the future. The Dog Days Are Over as it were. 

I don't want to tell you everything, because I'm sure we would all be here for a bloody long time, so I'll leave it at that. And I just wanted to let you know that I love you all (you know who you are), and Carpe diem you beautiful people!...

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

The Man In The Moon...

I think it's fair to say, that waking up this morning, I haven't felt this good for many many months. And I'm not sure whether it's anything to do with the Karms Nights I've been taking, or the 12-hour shift I just did, but I feel good. 

On the flip side, it's quite depressing that this flat is brightest in the middle of winter with all the lights switched on than it is at Midday on Midsummer's Eve.

Hey diddle diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle,
The Cow jumped over the Moon.
The Little Boy laughed to see such fun,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon.

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you, and longer if I may. I'm also finding it increasingly difficult to focus on just one thing at the moment, which is seemingly adding to my absent mindedness. I forgot where I put my helicopter the other day for about 45mins. 

For you I'd wait, til Kingdom come, until my days, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. Tomorrow, I shall be wrapping all of my Christmas presents. Half of my colleagues think I'm being cheap with my wrapping paper this year. I must buy string. The other half like the traditional look. They're gonna be actual parcels, in actual sacks. Its gonna be good!

Shake it, shake it and we're moving again. Been a long time coming for the working man. Shake it, shake it and we're moving again. When the money is high, we can start to spend. Just 15 days left to go. And I'm working all the rest of them it seems. Fun times. 

I shall see you later. Pip pip, and more importantly Carpe diem...

Monday, 9 December 2013

The Grand Old Duke Of York...

Did you know?...

He had ten-thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.

And when they were up, they were up
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only half way up,
They were neither up nor down.

Really? That doesn't sound right. It doesn't no, you're right, but thems the words. Been a bit odd this past day or so. I am running super late this morning, wherein actual fact, I always have more than enough time to do everything I always do, even this. I'm just starting this a lot later than normal. 

Yesterday I went to a YouTube Gathering. And waited. For about an hour. Looking like a sad, confused old man holding a Marks and Spenser bag. No wonder the hipsters avoided me. I started walking home, feeling, I'm not too proud to say, a little upset. I threw the M&S bag at the ever growing pile of presents yet to be wrapped in my bedroom and played a bit of Skyrim (I think I should stop doing that now. It's been 100+ hours). 

Either way, later on I get messages from everyone, and I mean everyone. Red, Tag, Cherry, Mum, Pill, and Kim. I've never been so popular on a Sunday evening. Turns out I had to get food and wait around for my Parents as they were passing through to say 'Hi'. Kim was a little disheartened that I couldn't go hang out before she went to work, but then punctuality would have solved that issue.  

Pill and I are getting our Christmas Tree called Erik next Sunday, rota permitting. And then Pill went over the schedule for next weekend. He was like we need to watch Lord of the Rings, and then The Hobbit, and then there's Game's Night the Carmartheners are down visiting, and I want to squeeze in a bit of climbing and everything. And he was double checking everything with me, as if half the stuff was relevant to me. Lord of the Rings yes. Friday Night yo! (Though I'm not sure on whether it'll be at mine again). And Game's Night, because I live here. As for the Hobbit, the weekends are far too busy for the cinema, aren't they?

That was mostly my mood yesterday, yeah sure. I am so full of sedative now it's unbelievable. Karms for Lunch, Karms for Tea, sleep the dreamless sleep, Karms for breakfast, rinse and repeat. Herbs can't be too bad for you can they?

Well, we'll find out.

I see fire, inside the Mountains,
I see fire, burning the trees,
I see fire, hallow in souls,
I see fire, blood in the breeze...

Carpe diem, adventurers...

Saturday, 7 December 2013

They're Here, They've Come...

It's a weird one, I'm all up and ready to go to work, but I've got another hour or so, and I'm thinking about what I can write on here today, but I'm coming up blank. So, let's do what I normally do and keep writing until something relevant appears on the page with a supporting opinion...

Yesterday was a busy day in work, and I got very tired quite soon after lunch. It's all the performing and running around with people and for people. And then I went shopping for the last bits of Mum's Christmas shopping, and that was successful after ten minutes of queuing. Luckily I got my queuing practice in in the Summer when we went to Alton Towers. Either way, dressing gown and slippers purchased and foolishly left in work. Just something else to cross off the list. Yes, there's a list. 

Have you seen one of today's Qwertee's? 

A 150 Pokemon for Christmas. Looks pretty badass. I wonder who makes all these. It should be a knitted jumper instead I think.

I'm going to a YouTube Gathering tomorrow. That's going to be odd. Hanging out with people I've never hung out before with, except Kim. I wonder what's on the agenda. Red's coming over tonight to hit the town with her work crew. So that leaves me either waiting up for her, playing Skyrim, possibly wrapping presents, and catching up on some telly after I've done the inevitable cleaning. Or I could gather some friends of my own and hit the town too. Likely.

I might go wondering about the Park before work. it's now 8:40. How did this happen?

Carpe diem Muddafuckkas!

Friday, 6 December 2013

It Always Seems Impossible Until Its Done...

That was the most restful night's sleep I've had in about a month or so. And my reason being, drugs putting me into a dreamless state. It was quite pleasant. Thank you Karms...

Yesterday was Thursday (I could never get the hang of Thursdays) and as it was, it seemed like a pretty normal day. Work and all that was work. The Harlem Globetrotters came into store to perform a few stunts five and a half hours later than advertised, and my walk home was filled with ideas for projects I'm going to ask permission to do today. Its going to be a busy couple of weeks if I get the go ahead. But it'll be worth it. And then I get home and we sit down, like normal, and watch our programs, like normal, and then I read that Mr. Mandela (as I was taught to call him from a young age) had died. 

I remember signing a postcard in a Catholic Conference a very long time ago in Manchester which said on it:

Overcoming poverty is not a task of charity, it is an act of justice. Like Slavery and Apartheid, poverty is not natural. It is man-made and it can be overcome and eradicated by the actions of human beings. Sometimes it falls on a generation to be great. YOU can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom.

And the idea was that we sent that postcard to ourselves and remember the message we wrote on it and the message on the postcard. I still have the postcard and its messages. Thank you Mr. Mandela.

It's LOTR Day again, tonight's installment, The Two Towers (Part 2: Electric Boogaloo) and it's going to be epic again.

Carpe diem Everyone!

Thursday, 5 December 2013

You Guys Are Awesome...

Here are two things that made me feel inadequate today. The first being a video of amazing people's amazing stunts. They aren't those of kindness or love or a type of selfless caring for one another in a world of turmoil but just acts of awesome...

And the second is a reminder that creative minds like myself can make awesome things too despite being physically or even mentally incapable of doing any of the stunts in the former video...

Both stand as a reminder for me, or more a sign, that no matter how low you get there are always highs, and no matter how good you get there's always a way to get better. Don't lose it if you think you've got it, and when you've got it, never stop making it better...

Carpe diem...

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Rumour Has It...

It has to be said that yesterday I felt like I had a very shit day at work. The long and short of it mainly spans from lots of little things (as well as big ones), as they often do, and a rather large rumour spread around about me not doing my job.

Either way it all escalated and caused me to march angrily home to an empty house with a nice note from Pill informing me that he would not be returning for dinner. I dumped my stuff and stormed from the house back to work and immediately asked any of the girls if they wanted a drink (there were only girls working there when I left). Thankfully one of them did, and my workmate and I got a drink in the Pen and Wig. I learnt a lot more about her, and there's more yet still. It was a nice evening well spent, and then I returned home to cook dinner...

Pill returned and was also in an off mood. We watched a small bit of telly before he phoned DarkHorse and then came back to a talk about weddings and finances and some how Christmas. I don't know about you, but Christmas for me has always mostly been about the giving. And I will admit I might have gone a little OTT with Christmas this year. All in all, I'm not 100% on what I've bought let alone what I've spent. It's always best not to look. However, when listing the people I've bought things for (Pill being on there) he goes: 'oh dude, I specifically told you not to get me anything!' And then leaves the room. 

I don't think I've ever seen anyone angry that they've got a gift for Christmas before. And I did lead into it with the giving statement, but he wasn't having any of it. Am I a dick? Is it just that day where I think I'm a dick because I'm actually a dick?

So there was a lot of downs before hitting the up and then back down to the depths. And what's worse is that I've not even finished Christmas shopping. I will finish tomorrow though. I've decided. I wish I had a concierge...

I think I might prefer the Ed Sheeran version, though this one's epic, and there's loads of awesome covers too. Who knew it'd be that popular. 

Today will be a better day.

Carpe diem...

Monday, 2 December 2013

The Diet Starts Tomorrow...

So, it turns out that my body completely rejects extra sleep by a. providing it when an alarm clock isn't summoned, and b. providing the most annoying headache that can't be subdued by painkillers or laziness...

Other than that, Sunday was a typical Sunday. I got up, I had done all the chores the night before so there were clean everythings and realised that there was in fact nothing for breakfast. It's a dilemma I come across almost once every one and a half weeks when my cereal box empties itself. It's something I'm going through at the moment in fact, but I'll talk you through it in a little bit. 

So Pill, being the hunter gatherer (mostly gatherer) went around the corner and got both bacon and bread. Luckily we had bread, and he went to town on breakfast. Cos we all know that a well balanced breakfast is designed with a piece of fatty protein wedged between two slices of carbs both with some fatty substances spread upon them. I make bacon sarnies sound so appealing. 

The day went on. I restarted Skyrim again (yes I'm a sad mofo) and created Dova for the first time. And then I watched the Fellowship of the Ring again to appease Pill and DarkHorse. They were slightly annoyed that we had watched it without them despite giving us the permission to do so. 

And then Red messaged me suggesting that we get burgers, so I messaged the other two asking whether they wanted burgers too. It was a unanimous yes, and burgaz was had. We went to expensive MaccyD's (GBK) for a bit of a change of scenery, and stuffed our faces with the world's skinniest fries, milkshakes, and burgaz. 

And while we were doing that, all getting back to the breakfast thing, Red told us an idea of dieting right up until Christmas. Not a bad idea at all, I thought, and as Diets always begin tomorrow, and as today is tomorrow, my diet begins today before I load up on all the Christmasy goodness. 

Not bad for a Sunday. Also, my right ankle ached all day, which, coupled with the headache, was a very unpleasant experience. I'm glad the seats were comfortable and the lights were low in GBK...

Carpe diem chaps!...

Saturday, 30 November 2013

You Shall Be The Fellowship Of The Ring...

Last night I got to visit Middle Earth for the first time this year (this year) with some people I hadn't seen it before, and some I had and still would. We had pizza, and fizzy drinks, and chips and dips, with garlic bread and some flat bread (carb on carb on carb). I think we all regret that lack of balance. 

I am probably one of the worst people to watch the Lord of the Rings with because I quote, I sing, and I expend knowledge of Middle Earth, the general plot, and boring trivia, that I doubt anyone wanted to hear (sorry guys). I think I even amazed Red at certain points as she turned to me in the questioning manner and simply said 'and you haven't read the books?'

I suppose it is weird being so passionate and knowledgeable about something without foreknowledge of the base text everything is based on (everything!).

It was a brilliant evening, despite my Middle Earth lessons, Cherry and I spoke about Immortality and Elves and Prophecies, Tag got to know a lot more about Balrogs and Fatty Bolger, and Red and I secretly mouthed along to most of the movie (I saw you!). 

It is easily my favourite film of ever. And I look forward to including the Hobbit in it's watching schedule. Could you imagine the length on that? It would go on so long, we could commission a cinema to show them all extended for some sort of charity event. Oh my God, I'm getting tingles just thinking about the prospect. 

I think my favourite part of last night was when Sam found Frodo trying to leave without any of them and he nearly drowned himself. I made a promise, Mr Frodo, a promise. Don't you leave him Samwise. And I don't mean to, I don't mean to. We were all quiet and emotional at that point. Well definitely quiet. But it was a nice gesture towards the movie, that it's still so powerful it can make us shut up and nut up. 

If you want to know more about the History of Aragon's hertiage or what happened to Gollum between the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings then Born of Hope and The Hunt for Gollum is certainly for you. A pair of well paid, low budget, fan filmed, short movies for your viewing pleasure...

I will take it!

Carpe diem, mellon...

Friday, 29 November 2013

Here It Is, The Great Battle Of Our Time...

Oh, my, God! It's here, it has come!  Today is the day that I leapt around outside Cardiff Central Station yesterday with Tag thinking about. It's the start of Lord of the Rings Day part 1.

Its been so long, and I can't friggin' wait to see it all again!

I've got an idea, perhaps we watch them all in different locations every movie. So the first is at mine, obvs, because you're all coming over this evening. But the second and third you guys can fight over. One gets Two Towers, the other the Return of the King...

Could you imagine if they did what they're doing with the Hobbit to the Lord of the Rings. I reckon you'd only need like six movies, and possibly double the runtime of the Extendeds to 23 hours and 20 minutes. Could you imagine?! My Godfather kept rating all the movies, as he went to see them, as bum numbing, and yes they certainly would me.

The world is changed, I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.

The opening lines that forged a fandom. Frodo was originally going to say them in the movie, but that didn't make sense so they got Galadriel to say it instead. They're actually lines from Treebeard in the Two Towers. Odd that don't you think?

Could you imagine if the Barrow Wrights and Tom Bombadil were in this one? Glorfindel? Hell, Fatty Bolger and Radagast!

Either way, I think I've geeked out a little too much. I spent lots of money yesterday on Christmas and I estimate that was only a third of what I needed. Shit's gonna get real soon. But payday just happened. And I thought it was going to be tomorrow. Going to be an impressive amount of gifts for people this year I think. Who knows?

Catching Fire was good, and I went in there with no expectations other than the ones I carried from The Hunger Games. It's sometimes good to be ignorant...

Carpe diem my preciouses!...

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

I'd Slay A Dragon For Her If Need Be...

And I think that's about the geekiest/not normal thing to say at this juncture. Not sure where I planned on going after that, but perhaps I'll just start rambling and see where that gets me...

Yesterday, after much working, I trudged home to find a Red on my sofa, as I was expecting, and a Pill and Lee in the kitchen discussing plans on how to take over the world. I think I've already said this, but our house is quite the communal one. We're all welcome, whenever. Either way, I was a tad annoyed that she had been left to sit quietly by herself, but little did I know, she had been texting a guy the entire time - the slut! 

Let me add a few details about last night, that Red neglected to mention...

He apparently reads (its good to be literate in this day and age), is a business consultant at the age of 25 (obviously the most boring person in the world), and has clients (which all business consultants should have otherwise their not doing their job). I think it's safe to say I don't like him, so she's probably on to a winner (I said those exact words, but obviously in the present tense, and to her face).

I feel a bit more grown up now. Sort of. Well, I suppose you can't get too grown up after all.

I got my first interaction on POF too this morning. Number 1! (funny story about a ranking system, but I might let Red talk to you all about POF Science). Yeah, the poor girl isn't anything I'm looking for, but then I realised that she had rated me on the 'Hot or Not' POF equivalent, essentially (Hi Tag) saying 'I'd do you.'

All in all, this week's getting to be a busy one, and I do really like it. Reminds me of when we used to do loads of stuff every other day. Bring it on. And I can't wait for freakin' Fellowship of the Ring. It has been too long! I'm getting shivers of excitement already. There's my passion I think. And I also think, it must have to be my most favouritest movie of all time (the whole trilogy). I need the Extendeds (hint, hint).

I'm going to see Catching Fire tonight with the Swingers after work. IMAX yo! (you IMAX virgin!)

But for now Carpe diem you lucky few!...

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Interesting Day...

It has to be said, yesterday was one of my more interesting days since the Summer. And before I get started, I just wanted to say thank you for your kind messages after yesterday's post, it wasn't a cry for help, but I'm glad you're there. Anyway, interesting day...

As the cold dark evenings roll in and darkness becomes an ever present consciousness we might find it hard to be happy. I should know, I've lived with it and have parent(s) who do the same (I didn't say that). It's called SAD (ironically enough), Seasonal Affective Disorder, whereby the lack of sunlight doesn't allow the chemicals in your brain to work correctly and therefore you project most of the symptoms of depression whereby you sleep more, you lose interest in life, and interest in just about anything...

Obviously, I'm not the worst case in the world, but everyone has there off days, as I said yesterday.

So, with all that in mind, two things happened to me yesterday and both intrigued me enough to make it feel adventurous. OhItsJustKim came to see me for the sake of coming to see me, which was nice. (Have you met Kim?) But also, probably because I asked her whether or not she had been to VidCon, she invited me to a YouTube Gathering on the 7th and 8th of December outside Central Station. I think I can probably do the Sunday. I was glad of the invite and we stood and talked for about an hour more or less, which was weird as I was in work. And she said how she'd like to introduce me to her friends and we could all hang out some time. I was quite taken aback, but all things considered, I'm up for trying something new.

And along the lines of trying something new, I join last night (for the lolz), and have yet to receive a single message. I imagine Men have to do most of the messaging as I convinced Red to join too, and she got almost 40 messages in the hour. Tag then got involved and lectured us on how it's advertised on bad websites and that even the most sordid people he knows wouldn't go near the sight. 

Well, at least it's something to focus on and a bit of fun at the end of the day. Isn't life odd?

Carpe diem folks!...

Monday, 25 November 2013

I Am Not Depressed...

Well I was going to talk to you about yesterday where I wandered the realms of Skyrim, walked to the Bay and back, and then ate an all-you-can-eat (not a challenge) Chinese, before Red came over for a cuppa. Though, instead I thought I'd write about something Red mentioned, and I have now watched...

TomSka's new video:

Now, I won't go as far to say that I am/was depressed, or to say that there's something wrong with me, because for all we know, there's not. And as I keep saying to everyone I work with 'everyone has their off days'. But I've certainly been through some things. I've spent days in bed wondering why, I've woken up angry and sad and just mad at the world, I was a very angry child too. And I'm glad that I've grown out that stage, no one likes angry people. Pill says its not good to bottle it up, and Red even said yesterday that arguing was healthy. That makes sense, but I just don't an urge to be angry or to argue. 

On Thursday, I had a bad day. Just one of those days were you wake up and decide everything can go fuck itself. You know, a bad day. I sort of revisited it Saturday lunchtime when I pictured punching a few members of the public, and tearing them a new one. But anyway, my confessor made me sit down and tell her everything. And I did for the most part. She was trying to make sure it wasn't my friends making me this way, and it wasn't, it was just a bad day. In the past when I've had bad months and seasons I've always gone to visit Tag and Cherry, and slept on their sofa and refused to move. They're not the problem, I am. 

And it was suggested to me that I runaway, leave everything behind. Which I know certainly goes into the whole getting away, visiting somewhere new, having somewhere different to explore. And it seems everyone might be on similar pages - who'da thought? I've thought about running away in the past, but I was told that I can't run from life, I should just get on with it. And this time, I wasn't thinking of getting out, I'm not ready to drop everything and leave. I can't. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it. 

We all need a holiday, a long holiday, and I don't expect that we should return. (I am so psyched about Lord of the Rings on Friday!)

That bit where TomSka says that he's lost his passion for life, and everything else. That was me about a year or more ago. I had no desire to do anything. And I was even at the stage where I was thinking about suicide, but I knew I couldn't or wouldn't do that to myself. It's odd when you reason with yourself. But for now, I've got and for that matter, re-found, my writing. And as long as I've got something, I've got something to keep me sane (ish). 

Thanks for listening guys, good talk.

Music helps too.

Carpe diem guys!

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Stress Levels...

Do you know some people think I'm stressed? 

Apparently I'm quite cool in the waking world. I know my shit, I can fly with the best of them (and that's not street), and yet I have awful dreams and nightmares, I continue to bite my tongue in my sleep, and I can't eat anything without feeling quite ill. Perhaps I'll just stick to coffee and milkshakes. Who needs food anyway?

Pill, DarkHorse and I went to the pub last night to watch the game. It was nice, and it wasn't too busy. I was nearly asleep in my chair when the full-time whistle was blown. I have no idea why I zonked out so much, but the walk home woke me up for another three hours. 

Everytime I think about writing now it calms me. Well, not calms me. I start thinking about a world that's not our own, and a place that I control, and where the possibilities are becoming more and more plausible each day. They're not, but you know what I mean I hope. It's been the tiniest of sparks in my life of work and play, and it's certainly something new to focus on. 

I know I've started sounding like a madman recently. And 'one of those people' who talk about their books all the time, but I honestly don't mean to. There are lots and lots of scenes in my head just playing over and over, each time perfecting themselves, and the nasty ones get worse. Perhaps that's where the nightmares come from. 

I might go back on the Kalms. We'll see what happens tonight. 

Carpe Diem...

Friday, 22 November 2013

Things I Didn't Know...

Did you know I like to lift my chin and look down my nose at strangers, flaring my nostrils in a primal and subliminal act to intimidate the intruder?

Neither did I.

I had a talk yesterday and I got some good advise: 'Contentment is fine at your age. You're not meant to know what your passions are yet. You're still, for a couple more years yet, trying to find out who you are, and if you're content with how you are now, then be content. But make sure that the contentment doesn't turn into complacency. You've got a good character and I don't think you will. You'll go travelling soon, you'll write more, you'll be happier than you are now. So be content for now, and don't worry what others think of it.'

It was a good talk.

Yesterday I was having a bad day. Did anyone else feel ill after Le Lake Poob Food? I was working my short day, getting in two hours later and leaving an hour later than normal - I felt weird all day. I don't think I did very much all day. But Sunday's coming, and I've decided that I'm not going to walk to Castell Coch - mainly because I want to do that with peeps if peeps still want to, so perhaps I'll just enjoy the park all over again. Starting the day with a nice walk around the park is a good way of starting your day. That and nice coffee, fruit, pastries, perhaps with a roast in the oven for dinner...

Ideas, ideas...

Red came over yesterday for dinner, it was nice with wine and everything. No one else was invited because I was told by everyone else that they had already had plans and there was only one spare bowl of food going, not four. I will admit that I've been very lazy recently. Pill has cooked everything I've been eating for a while now. I will cook Banoffee Pie on Sunday with, perhaps, a small roast shoulder of pork (I love crackling). Though DarkHorse doesn't like Pork. Maybe I won't. Perhaps something new. To the cookbooks I go!

Have a better day than me, Carpe diem you beautiful lot!

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Secret Keeper...

When I start something, I tend to like to finish it. Unless it has no foreseeable end, rather like Skyrim or this blog. Though those are both bad examples because I will continue doing them (can you do blog?) because they're addictive and I enjoy them. Though, I find it quite difficult to sit down and start writing a blog at the moment, and I don't think I can not publish this on the same day I wrote it, at 10am as always.

I've got to put the rubbish out.

And there's clearly nothing better in my mind at the moment. Tomorrow (day off) I'm going to explore the Christmas Market and perhaps 'officially' start some Christmas shopping.

I've got a very good idea for some Christmas Presents after some very recent inspiration. And just then I got some more inspiration. It's going to be an interesting Christmas if I pull this off. And provided it's not snowing, I've got my Christmas plans sorted as well. But shhh, Mum doesn't know, and she's either going to be very angry or very happy to see me Christmas Eve. We shall see.

Well it's now Thursday, a whole two days since I wrote all of that, and do you know what? I think I've got things to say now. The first of which being that I am not a rubbish secret-keeper, and it bugs me people saying as such. And following that line of inquiry, we've all got secrets, some that people know, and others that people don't. Secrets exist, and they're not there to annoy others but they will inevitably do so. It's cruel, but it's life. 
But it was not your fault but mine 
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
I did some chores yesterday, like the cleaning and the shopping, before playing Skyrim for a short while, catching up with Master of Sex (controversial?!), before heading out and hitting the park for a little bit. It had been a long time, and it was almost snowing at one point the rain was so fine. I obviously took my camera with me. It was great to see all the world change from green to reds, yellows, and deep, rich, mahogany.

But, as the storm clouds closed in, I chose town and wandered around the Christmas Market, and much to Tag's disappointment, I didn't end up buying him a carved concrete fish named Harriet. Instead I clambered into Waterstones (#watetstones #justsaying) and had some cake and coffee before sitting down and writing about the life of Amy Boatman from Farcliff (I'm not convinced she should be called Amy, but the Boatman bit stays). And it also made me realise that Amy Boatman is Red's character - and Tag agreed. So that question is answered right there. So far the cast reads:

Tag - Thom Gomdar who becomes Rhiss Llesion the freedom fighter.
Cherry - Nellia Senaf, a dryad and woodland spirit of Realind.
Red - Amy Boatman, a Seer of the Future and a resident of Farcliff.
Pill - Nopthom Hill, the Woodsman of Myrddin.
DarkHorse - Nico Evelaas, Wind of the Trees.
HB - Lamia, Lady of the Moon.
GG - Gina Gorbs, a gypsy fortune teller.
Wodge - Resy Whalls, a Dark Elf from Qual.

An interesting array of people I think, but obviously you don't know very much about them. Luckily I've got all your stories up in my head, and on my laptop and places like that. Either way, that happened and then I went to see Tag and we went to CEX before heading for Le Lake Poob. Found our usual spots, and drank waiting for everyone. It was a nice evening, except for my feeling I was getting on everyone's nerves. Paranoia does like to set in when I've been by myself for a day or so. It amazes me that I made it to the age of 24 with the mental state I've got.

It was a memory stick with a Frank Album on it. And it wasn't a Secret. 

Carpe diem Chums!

Monday, 18 November 2013

A Birthday Worth Having...

We went to Jamie's Italian and it was bloody good. I know I said that I was going to stop talking about it last time I spoke to you, but do you know how good Jamie's is? Expensive, the correct portions, and no one went away saying that was too much, and no one was too full, despite Red saying she was but the steak she was eating was just too good to stop eating...

We had about four bottles of Merlot between the four/five vino rosso drinkers. And much merriment was had, chatting, catching up, eating, and photos. Not many, but enough. Everything was lovely. I received no less than three more gifts. An engraved hobbit tankard from Wodge and Obombz, a pair of lounge trousers from Cherry, and a secret gift from Red, that's a secret (shhh...). Am I a rubbish secret keeper? 

Yesterday was a very nice lazy day. Pill and I played Skyrim while DarkHorse slept a lot. And when the couple left, as the couple tend to from time to time, I caught up on Masters of Sex (all up to speed now), and when that was done I did a couple of things I haven't done in a while (and don't take that the wrong way)...

After spamming instagram, I retired to my room and played the secret gift on repeat. I just lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling and listened to the whole thing through, and then listened to it all over again. I thought about life, and fun, and distant lands I'm not even sure exist. And it was quite relaxing. I then did something also rather out of character for me, I sat and read my book - which is called The Written at the moment. It's amazing what I get up to when left to my own devices.

It was also the best night's sleep I've had in a while, no bad dreams, nightmares, or biting tongues. Perhaps I should do that every night?

This morning, while perusing my YouTube feed I found a beauty of a song by Ed Sheeran, that I think is a little out of character for the Hobbit (I suppose they had Annie Lennox do a song in Lord of the Rings), however it's pretty good, and I think I've listened to it about six times now. It's a builder, which an epic finale, check it out...

Thank you to everyone who made this birthday worth having. You know what I'm like when it comes to birthdays, but you guys made it brilliant. Thank you!

Mae govannen, mellon nin. Carpe diem...

Saturday, 16 November 2013

History Of A Year...

250 Posts later and I can say that the shop has been open a whole year now, and I've been there a year and 10 days. It's strange how much has changed in that time. I've not even known Red that long yet. that would be 27th February, not that I'm counting or anything...

I've moved, I've aged, I've gotten slimmer, and richer, and overall I think I'd say I'm happier, though I'm not sure on whether or not I can measure that. Life is pretty sweet at the moment, though, and dare I say it, its starting to get on the ordinary and mundane side. The home, work, food, sleep, routine, is starting to get to me and I'm getting the urge to go sploring (#) soon. Though I'm not sure where.

Castell Coch perhaps. Just 6 miles up the cycle path, walk up there and back Sunday morning before lunch. It could be done, if the weather's okay. I don't mind the weather being rotten, but I think my camera might, or any companions who accompany me. Barry Island Fish and Chips? Penarth Pier with the finest Steakhouse in Wales with a cold pint in the Custom House on the way back?

Summer's not here anymore, but why should that stop us? I fancy checking out more of the Wye Valley too, though I'd need a car for that. I would say Gower, Cardigan, Pembroke Coast, Brecon Beacons, but my childhood was mainly spent rambling those places, I even fell off a small cliff in Gower into a field of Gorse Bushes. Not a nice end to the day I'll tell you. I've been swept out to sea, and delivered minutes later by the water to the sands, but that was Ogmore I think. I've broken a leg and walked home on it, but that was school.

Where was I? Ah yes, band photos. Let's face it guys, we can look sexy as fuck, and band photos are practically the only way we can capture that slow-mo strut without Tag's iPhone. Although, saying that, we do require to make a movie I think.

Reading trees are hard to come by in the winter, although a pub with a fireplace, and and afternoon tea menu could be fun - like a proper Sunday afternoon off, though we hardly get Sunday afternoons.

Everyone's coming to Jamie's Italian for my birthday this evening! I swear this is the last you'll hear of it. I'm not used to this choosing places and making plans for me malarkey. And that's an odd thought in itself I think. Shouldn't you be able to know what you want to do?

I want to visit a new place. I want to spend the day, week, or month there. I want to know its history, traditions, accent, and experience it was my friends. I want to sit and write something worth writing in my mind, it's got to be epic, fun, possibly dark, emotive, and fantastical. And I want to be happy, and I think I've got that mostly covered. Everyone has their off days...

Carpe diem guys!...

Friday, 15 November 2013

The Twelve Trials Of Big Tom...

Yesterday was my birthday, and it went up there with one of the greats. Admittedly there were too many people, the Christmas Market was over saturated, and the Christmas Lights were already switched on, but when we went to the pub we could sit and catch up. There's still time for Massive Frankfurters, Admiring the Lights, and shopping in the Market, without the crowds and hordes of people there were last night. 

And as it was a birthday, there were presents, and lots of those. Apparently today I receive my brother's and Saturday I get El's and Wodge and Owen's. Birthday's are fun. I got a percolator and some coffee from my parents, as well as a crocodile onesie, Iron Man 3 from my Sister, Arrow Series 1 from Clareg, a nice scarf and a notebook from Clareg's family, a hand crafted broadsword from HB, a notebook with one of the lines from Real Magic 2 from Tag, a companion cube of my companions from Red - plus spare instergerm pics for it, and a Jigglypuff and Wigglytuff t-shirt from Pill and DarkHorse which reads:
Working my Puff into Tuff
And I love them all, that you very muchly. I accidentally threw Red's present up in the air and it came apart. That was entirely my bad, and I think I really pissed Red off, so much so that drunk Red and I bickered like the married couple we will inevitably become about anything and everything, and she also made me realise I can't answer the question: 'what are you passionate about?' without some proper long thought...

But now it's a new year, and my 25th one at that. I've been thinking I require to do something more with my time, so I'm going to set myself 12 tasks for the 12 months between now and then. Some might be easier than others, but I hope I'll sort them all out. So without further introduction and in no particular order:
  1. Write the first story of Farcliff and Real Magic 2 and 3. (Tag's already helped there.)
  2. Cook/Bake something new once a week. (Pill will let me!)
  3. Explore somewhere new every month. (Anyone want to come? Doesn't have to be around Cardiff - roadtrip?)
  4. Finish Vin Diesel. (End Him!)
  5. Read the Lord of the Rings. (Pahahaha...oh, you were serious?)
  6. Read more in general.
  7. Travel to Places You Think About.
  8. Learn How to Draw again.
  9. Learn a new Language. (I was thinking French or Italian, though Welsh might be a good start.)
  10. Do something memorable. (Venice was a year ago, Uni was 2/3, we need new memories that we're all apart of.)
  11. Live Healthier.
  12. Enjoy Life, Yourself, and Your Friends.
As I said, some are easier than others. And I'm quite certain that half of them are naff and immeasurable. But I'll figure it out. I didn't want to put something like Skydiving on there because a. that's scary as shit and the thought of falling is making my palms sweat even now, but b. I wanted it to be something that we could all potentially do together at certain points. Without the risk of death. If we wanted.

It's going to be a good year already without me adding more things to it, so bring it on. I woke up to this today, Carpe diem guys! x

P.S. I'm passionate about my friends. Their quirks, thoughts, personalities. Their overall characters create my own, and their jokes, stories, and lives keep me going. I enjoy capturing their best and worst qualities in my writing and drawing, and I wouldn't change them for anything in the universe.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Just Breathe, That's The Key...

I think its fair to say that I shouldn't have written anything in the mood I was in yesterday, and I believe that it was almost wholly down to the nightmare that I had had. It was so strange and it brought me to tears, a grown man like me crying because of a bad dream, I know I'm a sap. 

Though, thankfully, there are things in this world that reminded me to have a good day, Innocent Smoothies with Wooly Hats on for instance, and then realising that there are people in this world that put Wooly Hats on Innocent Smoothies.

Wodgey also talked me out of my mental state, which I'm always grateful for.

So, birthday plans. Pill tells me that everyone gets three days - or so he has calculated, though DarkHorse and HB both got a meal, and Tag got a sleepover and a trip to Alton Towers (it was a long way away I suppose). Therefore, apart from Thursday Night Lights, I've been thinking maybe a fancy meal or something Saturday Evening. What do peeps think?

It would appear I'm a bit rubbish at organising things for my own enjoyment. I've decided I'm going to force myself on Tag's hospitality Wednesday for some writing while he enjoys GTA 5 in his underwear. Perhaps I'll make him walk around the forest with me. We'll see what the weather does.

I think my mother is up to something. She keeps asking me when I'm off this week, during the week. So, maybe that's my third thing. She completely stole my 25th birthday's idea for my Father's 60th and my Italian Mother's 50th next year. Hobbit Dance in a Nature Reserve, Hog Roast and everything, and a 110 Guests to match their ages. She was drunk I suppose.

I've been thinking about Christmas a bit as well. And as it is the only guaranteed day off I will get I will not only spend it with you guys, but also with my other family. My mother has told me that she will drive me to yours after our Christmas Morning. And I hear you going, aww but you promised, in my head but you have to remember everyone's Christmas Mornings start differently. 

Traditionally, mine begins at about 5am when my sister can't hold back her excitement and jumps up and down shaking the whole house screaming 'IT'S CHRISTMAS!' And then there'll be presents from Santa and then there's not a breakfast because Christmas Dinner is so filling. Therefore, I shall ask to be driven after Christmas Morning, and I shall hopefully arrive at about the time everyone wants to wake up 8/9am. Alas it means no me for Christmas Eve, but it's a compromise I've got to make. 

We shall see how that goes down.

Today is a new start, Carpe diem...

Monday, 11 November 2013


Am I really that guy that just writes and writes to get inspiration that isn't around the corner, but will inevitably let you know that he's been writing because he has a blog? This, and many more questions, are still floating around my head after last night's drinking session.

But first let me tell you how I lured Red into having drinks with me on Friday night. Yes, it was entirely intentional, and yes, there was no other motive to the trap. Opting for the Bay rather than Friday Night Rugby Filled Centre (that sounds like a bad doughnut) we wondered in the rain to the Jenkins where a round of drinks was purchased and a chat was had about everything and anything and mostly about the loud mouth who sat behind us. Thankfully he left a short while after I had made it clear I disproved of his loudness. Either way, deciding we were hungry, we left the premises to discover the new Chippy down the Bay, and man were they good, and instead of staying in the warm and comfy booths (candle lit yo) we wondered out into the Bay and found the bench we had found ourselves on many Moons ago talking about anything and everything. We reminisced, watched some fireworks, and ate our chips before heading home.

Saturday Night was my Italian Mama's Birthday, at which I got very drunk from the Clarey Vintage (homemade wine) and listened about far too much family history, from where my Great Grandfather used to live in Cardiff, to bouts of depression throughout the family (the ups and the downs). And there I was also told to inform everyone that they were more than welcome at my Mothers (plural) homes for Christmas and that there was plenty of room and food for them all - I doubt that, but it would be a big family Christmas that hasn't ever happened before ever to my family. Either way, the plan offended a few and I'm just getting most fed up of this talk of Christmas and Birthdays, because I'm not going to make anyone happy what so ever. There's a likelihood that I will be working both Christmas Eve and Boxing Day so why am I going anywhere? As we all know the earliest I'll have to be in work on Boxing Day is 9am and the latest 9:30am. 

And last night I must not have been in the right mindset or something because birthdays and Christmas and other such topics just didn't interest me. Too much playing on my mind already. Tag's denied his mother twice now for Christmas: 
There's clearly no where else she would rather be, than with you her only son!
I had a weird dream last night too. It was a sort of Robocop meets Wizard of Oz meets Frankenstein thing. I think I must have been the patient, or having an out of body experience, when I see these other men with robotic limbs and stuff like that. One has a RoboBrain, another an Arm, and there was one with a Leg, and the nurses sat them down and detached them and removed my body parts to attach them to me. It was horrible, and they gave my parts to the RoboMen leaving me like a piece of scrap. I didn't appreciate it, and woke up very much tired, and in no mood to do anything. 

I just need to empty my mind of worry, anger, and things that aren't or didn't happen. It's not a healthy way to be. I'll be pushing people away very soon (attention seeking as always).

I doubt there'll be a Carpe diem today...

Friday, 8 November 2013

Flu Dreams...

I think I've got a terrible case of Morning Flu...

Heavy eyes, blocked nose, headache, all the attractive features of death warmed up. But who cares? I've got another day of work ahead of me, and then another, and then I'm off. And in between each I believe I've got plans, how cool is that? I love it when a plan comes together...

So, I was talking to my Mother the other day and she was saying how we could go for a meal next Wednesday, and this got me thinking. Yes we could, ma Famille, and more of ma Famille. What say you? And yes, I am sort of inviting you to something that may or may not happen...

Let me know...

I've got a few grand ideas for my 25th though, and I'm going to put them here, because I'll have won the lottery by then and I'll be able to do all of the below...

I'm thinking either Coopers Field or Roald Dahl Plaza and a big Circus tent will be erected (giggity) there. And that's when all the chairs and table will be placed, and all the food will be put on those tables. There'll be a hog roast with buns and crackling, and there's going to be casks of beer and ale and crates of wine. There'll be lanterns and the trees, or the Torchwood Hub, will be decorated in lights as well, and when the band begins to play all the guests will arrive and be all Hobbity - oh yes, Hobbit Barn Dance Mark-II. Now that's a dream party I think, if a little geeky and somewhat out of the box or not, how many people do this sort of thing?

Of course, money is the helper here.

But all that talk of Hobbits, really makes me want to watch the Lord of the Rings. Everyone keeps mentioning it, but when's it going to happen?! God Damn! (summer in the city - its like verbal masturbation saying it to myself)...

My brother said the best thing to me last night, and it's probably not going to be the same if I tell you now, but let me try...
Mum asked me why I wasn't going to buy you a card, and I said, well Mum, its because your generation messed up the economy so much that my generation doesn't feel the need to buy a piece of paper that will only end up in the bin.
Very wise words from the quick witted giant I think...

Anywho, I've rambled on far too long with this headache I think, Carpe diem to the pain meds!...

Thursday, 7 November 2013

You're Thor?!...

We bested the Bonfire Night without the use of Hot Dogs or Soup believe it or not. We ventured, both the fun-vee and the hum-drum-vee to Barry Island or all places, Barry being a place I wished never to go back to, to view some fireworks that were somewhat none-existent in Cardiff Town on actual Bonfire Night, strange. The display was pretty-ful and Barry itself was pretty full (see what I did there?). I got a running commentary of the fireworks from Red, while the couples did what the couples do. The display itself was awesome, and yes, we should do a Lympics Opening Ceremony for the display - Rio here we come! After the display was walked to the Island they call Barry for some refreshments, and my did I get the biggest and greasiest cheap burger in the place. I was so glad. 

Yesterday was my day off, but that didn't stop HB texting me at 7am waking me up. If that's any way to put any one in a bad mood, it's that I reckon. I didn't do very much productive with my day, I shopped a bit, I played video games, caught up on some TV, did the ironing, and cleaning, and generally relaxed and organised a cinema trip.

The group, plus HB this week, wondered into the Bay to begin our Wednesday Night traditions again. It seems like ages since we last did something like that. Perhaps Sundays will begin again (the Saturday night thing only works if I've got the Sunday off I think, because I'll always be in work at 9am on a Sunday)...

We went to the Eli Jenkins, a nice little traditional pub, a cheeky round, plus a massive starter that was consumed without any want to know the calorie count, molten mushrooms. And then it was movie time. Red left her bag in the pub, and I ran with her back to our table to find it still resting there. And there we were ready to see Thor 2. Every time I hear Thor, I remember a joke Chris Hemsworth told on Radio 1 back in the day of Thor 1 which went a little like this...
The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together. In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said. "You're thor!" she said, "I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
The movie itself was superb, better than the first in so much Lord of the Rings in Space sort of way. The Dark Elves were captured rather like the bad versions of the High Elves in actual Lord of the Rings, and so much badass and actual boners (let alone lady ones) were had when Tom Hiddleston (the only guy for me) came on screen. The trailers beforehand were epic, jumping from The Hobbit (13th Dec), to Catching Fire (21st Nov), to Ioan Gruffudd doing his epicly brilliant inspirational speech again (the rest of your life).

And afterhand...wards Red was so impressed by Hiddleston's performance that I said she should see him do Shakespeare. And he has played Henry V in Henry IV before on the tellyscreens last Christmas I think. But for your eyes only...

And he was just epic throughout everything in all of that. And most of the things that I have seen with him in. Imagine him in Middle Earth. Hello!

I've had a bit of a thought about my birthday as well. And in a way to step out of the limelight for once, I've decided to share it with Christmas, how modest of me don't you think? On the 14th it appears that Cardiff's Christmas begins, Christmas Markets, Christmas Lights, and Winter Wonderlands. And if we can fit in a round of drinks and a meal somewhere in there, that would just be swell. 

Also, let's start talking about a holiday next year. And I know your idea of Bluestone was well intentioned Cherry, but Holidays for me mean somewhere new, not West Wales...

Carpe diem...

P.S. I found something even more amazing to add to Hiddleston's repertoire for acting, dancing, and sexiness...