Friday, 28 September 2012

I Feel Used...

Yep, it's one of those posts...

As you know, mainly because I keep bringing this up, HB and I are still in some sort of situation...apparently. She might have moved on, but I'm still here wondering why and how? WTF happened?

She still doesn't return texts, which is especially difficult as we were arranging lifts to the airport with each other's parents. I'm quite surprised that she didn't say to me that her Dad was giving her a lift, and left it at that. I don't know, it's a month away, everyone's busy as hell - myself included - and I just don't hangout with anyone anymore. 

Uni life was great, I was living with friends, and we got to hangout every single day, and since then the only times that feeling has reoccurred have been when visiting said friends or when HB invited me over or came over mine for days at a time.

Am I being stupid or is this whole thing a little odd?

If she had those feelings before the events of the night I can't remember, then she never told me about them. She always called me her Best Friend, and everything, but now when we occasionally talk, because we're in the same place, it always seems a bit hollow and fake. 

Has anyone else noticed?

I finally twigged the other day, when I was over Pill's a while back I said that I felt used, but I couldn't explain why, and then when I was over Cherrybelly's and Tags a while later, Cherrybelly used the word 'used' as well. Was I being used the whole time? Was there nothing really there from her point of view? She always called herself a bitch, but I never believed it, I still don't.

...FYI I have quite a high bitch standard, and HB never even got on the scale...

Was she just using me for companionship until someone else came along or something? Well, as you might remember from a few posts ago, and I know you're reading this religiously because I recently surpassed 3000 views on this blog (YAY me), I had the pleasure of playing Borderlands 2 with her on the weekend. She had invited everyone else, and it was just happenstance that she and I were the only two to have the game, and were thus placed together by the offer. Anyway, that seemed nice enough.

A few days later she even sent me a message on Xbox saying 'help :(' and I was a few levels higher, and assisted her, stopping my own game.

I had a bit of a busy week, and I was unable to play the game a bit, but I discovered yesterday, that I needed some assistance, and invited her to join my party - that was Xbox talk right there. A few deaths later, still nothing, so I did it a final time, and I was still met with silence.

Mixed messages, double standards, the whole shabang. Anyway, I plodded along and eventually overcame my hardship, and was invited to help GG's counterpart complete a few missions as well.

But I don't know, what do you think I should do? Tag's apologise idea, went down the toilet months ago, and it was particularly hard hitting when you find that you don't know what you're apologising for, and when you realise that you're apologising for liking her it seems very stupid.

I can't help it can I, so suggestions are very much welcome. We go to Venice in November. You have your time limit.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Thursday, 27 September 2012

A Few Ups And Downs...

Well, this week I had an interview...

I know right? But please, exhale from your astonished gasp now and I will tell you how my week is going. I think this week is a busy week in the life of me at the moment - well I say that, I have a daily unpaid routine of housework and my own work that I aim to do, but this weekend was filled with Borderlands 2 as illustrated by myself in this week's Badly Drawn Adventure on

So, after that quite relaxed weekend, well relaxed as can be with housework and you know, other family members, Monday came around and I was blissfully alone again.

I applied for some jobs, wrote a review of Borderlands and set it away to, I sent away a few comic strips to the Seaside News, and then I got on with the game. Now keep in mind that I had done all that before midday, so yay me!

1pm came and I got a phone call asking me whether I would be interested in an interview on the Tuesday (the day after), I enthusiastically replied and we agreed the time, and that was that, I returned to my game with even more achievement in my mind.

You should also remember that I've only managed to acquire 1 interview in all my 8 months as a Job Seeker, so to have a second was excellent news.

Anyway, Tuesday comes, and here's where it gets messy...

I woke up early, calculating my daily schedule - I had a Prince's Trust meeting at 11am and the interview wasn't until 2:45pm so I had time. I got up, dressed, readied myself.

UP - I got a lift to the station from my father, who offered.

DOWN - I completely forgot my PIN at the station to buy a ticket, so I had to resort to cash before I locked my card, at the station.

UP - in Cardiff I had time to spare so I went exploring to find the place of my interview and an ATM to practice my PIN, I got it right and I was a bit chuffed.

DOWN - I got to the Costa I was meeting my Prince's Trust Mentor in, and I typed in what I thought my PIN was, but it turned out the ATM had tricked me, and I managed to lock my card. I paid for my coffee in coins, and I was skint. 

UP - my meeting with the Prince's Trust was very productive, informing, and useful. I'm encouraged to set myself some goals to achieve before the next meeting hence having written, edited, and sent away Real Magic, and sent away my comic strip, etc. I also applied for a Grant from the Prince's Trust for £250.

DOWN - I had time to kill between the meeting and the interview, in the rain.

UP - I waited in a comfortable chair in the bank while I sorted out my card problems. I've got a new PIN and Card in the post, somewhere.

DOWN - it rained almost all the time between my bank issues and the interview, so I was a bit wet.

UP - I filled out the form they wanted me to, making sure my contact details were correct, and up-to-date. (It was a bit awkward writing in the employment section - Unemployed.)

DOWN - So what interest do you have in Sales and Marketing?...erm. Now I don't know about you, but those sorts of questions scare me. The Job Application didn't actually say anything about Sales or Marketing - it was more along the lines of '!FILM AND GAME FANATICS WANTED!' - I tried to research the company as well, but their website was a bit dated, and their press releases, and I committed them all to memory - there were only three - were about 1. Businesses need Social Networks, 2. Cardiff Business School's New Building, and 3. NASA make a Comet Harpoon. 

I obviously couldn't put two and two together, linking Sales and Marketing to NASA, but there you go.

My interviewer, giving me the hard sale, told me that it was basically a door-to-door sales person position trying to sell LoveFilm to households. There were two things flying around in my head when I was told that, I hate the door-to-door salesmen, and I'm a Netflix customer (LoveFilm's main competitor). 

I didn't say any of that by the way, it was just a quick 15mins preliminary interview, and he said that I would get a phone call later on that evening, whether or not I had acquired a second interview on either Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. 

I got home and waited...

And waited, and waited, and waited...

It's Thursday now, and I think it's safe to say that I didn't get the position. Oh well, it was a commission only position anyway, and I don't think I could work hard at something I don't particularly want to do, with no guarantee of getting paid at the end of the day.

Anyway, that was that. And I got to go to a Job's Fair in Bridgend Recreation Centre yesterday. Which basically went something like, all the unemployed people in Bridgend descend upon this one place in the hopes of getting a job. 

The thought went through my mind that it could have been a trap and we were all just going to be culled to reduce the unemployed statistic. 

Anyway, I was there, with all my unemployed brethren, and upon speaking to the majority of people - the GoWales and Bridgend College people were useful - I told them that I was a Graduate of Creative Writing, and their eyes shot open with fright. 'And what do you want to do with that?' they asked, as if I was being a stupid person, 'Well, I'd quite like to be a writer,' was my reply. 

Needless to say, the construction industry, along with nearly all the recruitment officials there were could not help me. 

I did bump into a very nice Work Experience Journalist for the Gazette on my way to the Job Centre though. She was trying to find people who had watched 'The Valleys' or whatever it was called. We talked a bit about work experience and such and she had managed to get 3-days out of the gazette. 3-DAYS!

I'm sorry, but people at the Gazette, 3-days is just not good enough. That's not an experience of work, that's hardly a taster. She wasn't even mentored (I suppose you don't actually have to be to write, but still).

So in the last fortnight I've managed to apply for 2 Grants, get nominated for 2 Awards, and I'm going to be published in the Seaside News soon. But I'll probably tell you all about that later on.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Monday, 24 September 2012

Borderlands is Hard...

Bit of a weird one...

Thinking I've not been very productive recently I look back and see that in actual fact I have. For instance, this morning, I've written a Borderlands 2 First Impressions review, sent it to (just to see if they were interested), applied for a Video Game and Film Fanatics Position (I think it's just sales, but a nice looking job is a nice looking job), and now I'm writing this whilst listening to Gangnam Style on the radio. 

I saw the video for that over the weekend and all I can say is...erm...

Anyway, I've gotten just a little stuck on Borderlands 2, the difficulty has increased incredibly, and I think I'm only half way, and it was difficult before. I like a challenging game. I only hope that other players I know - you know who you are - get stuck and we team together and defeat Handsome Jack. 

I don't know.

I think everything is just a big distraction from things that actually matter to me at the moment. But they're working, and I know that everything else will eventually catch me up. I don't know when, and I won't dwell on it. It's Job Scare time - well more so, it's always been Job Scare time, but soon my Jobseekers comes to an end (yes I've been on benefits for quite a while now). 

Dark Horse sent me an application to a job in her work place. I have no problem with the job, I just have an issue in getting there. It's an hour's walk from Newport Train Station and there doesn't seem to be a bus service that travels out to the outskirts of Newport. So that's my issue. Is it an issue? Am I just making excuses again? I don't know. Perhaps I am. I'll attempt to apply for it again later, I have a headache right now.

Too much talk. Too much late night nothingness. Too much sleep.

I have to be in Cardiff at 11am tomorrow to meet with my Prince's Trust Mentor. Lord help me, though saying that we're meeting in a coffee shop so caffeine will flow. And it turns out that Tag isn't working tomorrow so my dreams of going out for lunch during his lunch break have been shattered. Oh well, maybe some other time.

I have to go to a Job Fare on Wednesday as part of my Jobseekers business. Eek! Anywho...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Midget Lover!...

Well that was odd. Nice, but odd...

As you might have heard before, Borderlands 2 came out the other day, yesterday to be precise. One of it's key aspects, despite being an absolutely stellar game and, amazingly, much better than the first game. (I'm sorry I'm making it sound so good Tag, I did the same to Clareg earlier, and he's going to spend more of his overdraft on it on Monday.)

Anyway, one of it's key aspects is team work. Teams of 4, and the more players you have the more fun the game sound be, making it trickier, giving you better rewards, and the all round team spirit thing.

Well, HB and I formed a friendship around playing co-op video games - well that was one part of it. Needless to say that Borderlands 1 was on our completed list. And now we've got Borderlands 2 something strange happened.

I think she was expecting Tag and Pill to have it as well, but we just spent most of the afternoon, and evening, playing Borderlands 2 together - in separate houses of course, but still together. There was friendly banter about the game and some about other games, and some about Venice. It seemed like nothing had happened, and yet there was something under it all. I felt it. Perhaps she didn't, but there was that niggling feeling in me.

Why? Why now? What's happening?

Something for me to ponder over I think.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Return to Pandora...

I don't know how I feel coming back and playing on my Xbox...

As you know, as of late, I've lost all appetite for just about anything and everything, including my Xbox. The feeling was not uncommon to going to the cinema with people I'm not used to going to the cinema with, and going places that I associate with that one person.

I don't know, it's weird, and I know it's going to all hit me at once when I see her again - and we are going to see each other again, I'm going to her birthday, we're going to Venice, it's going to be odd. 

I'm not sure whether we're pretending to be friends or not, or she's changed her number or something. But she's still, most definitely, ignoring me. Now I haven't been bugging her with texts about how I miss her, how this whole thing is stupid, how I don't even know how this started etc (okay there may have been one or two), but when I'm texting her about important things, i.e. how we're getting to London to get to the plane to go to Venice, I'd expect at least some recognition from the text.

I don't know, it's weird, and I can see that if we didn't have friends tying us together, HB and I would probably never have seen each other again if she chose to. And for me, there's nothing more upsetting in the world, than the feeling that she hates me, the feeling that we can't be friends, that feeling that things won't turn out okay in the end.

People keep telling me that things will work out in the end, but it's quite hard to see - she's stubborn don't you know.

I wonder...Tag? Did you listen to my insane ramble on Sunday? Did you start talking to anyone about anything?

Anyway, this was meant to be about the return to Pandora. As most of you should know, Borderlands 2 comes out tomorrow. In the run up Clareg bought Borderlands to see if he would like it, he does and we're very close to completing it. But the thing is, although I'm treating it as a distraction, I'm also getting that usual feeling. Borderlands was HB and I's game, it might still be for all I know. We were the ones who spent ours in her room playing and re-playing the game plus all of it's DLC. And we had planned on doing Borderlands 2 as well, though I doubt very much that that will actually happen. 

The feeling is very much like every time I step into my local cinema, it's the same with the Sushi place in Cardiff, and the journeys to Tag and Cherrybelly's and Pill's - I find Pill's to be the worst of all, because that's where it happened. Needless to say, I've only been there once since, and now that I think about it, that might be the cause of my negative feelings towards Pill (so sorry about that, I don't mean them).

I just feel like there's no way out of it, and that, if this part of my life was going well, then everything else would just slot into place.

And I get this feeling that she might be getting some conflicting and difficult thoughts as well. Her most recent writing seems to suggest so, but then her blog was titled 'Calling Bullshit' - which I felt was, in some way, directed at me.

Please read Evolution if you can: HERE

Her birthday present still hasn't arrived, but I how it's as cool as I think it is.

I might be nominated for an award, that's something at least. Which is pretty cool. And yesterday I applied for a work placement for a Feature Writer for a Woman's Magazine (I can't see it personally - I don't know women's interests, and another thing, it goes on for 10-weeks and I don't think they take into account holidays like an actual job would. The application also says must have drivers license, now I don't know whether that means, must have car as well - I've been down that route before. It didn't end well). I'm quite nervous about Dark Horse's applications for the Civil Service, it's not that I can't do the job, it's that I can't get to the job, but we'll see. 

Until next time bloggers...

Monday, 17 September 2012

Told You So...

Like I said before, I'm a little up and down at the moment. I definitely went around saying things in my head in entirely the wrong way yesterday. That was rage and anger and everything, it's a state I'm sure none of you have seen me in, except those of you who were present during our mugging. I was being perfectly civil to the CHAVs and then they stole my hat - I had a lid on things until that happened. I went Hulk-styled into the fray.

2 of the 7 are now dead...just saying...

Moving on, I want to apologise for anything I said/did yesterday. I know that some of you were out at the Pub Quiz with me in the evening, things had certainly settled down by then. And I doubt I'd act like that or say any of it to anyone's face - well, perhaps I would, but you know I'd only mean well.

And that's probably what this all boils down to. I mean well, I always have. Everyone has the potential to be selfish and everyone makes mistakes (and we've all got a fair few of those, me especially) but on occasion, my best intentions just don't cut it, my well-mannered mannerisms just aren't enough, and they disappear entirely. I am human, repeatedly human, and I wish I wasn't.

Because being human, you've got the thought capacity to see what you're doing, you have enough intelligence to gauge whether it will effect anyone/someone, and you can weigh up the pros and cons to make the right choices. But also, being human, you've got instincts, and lies, and manipulation, and emotions.

The things out of your control are the things that make us human, force us to make mistakes, the wrong decisions, say the wrong things, it's the instincts that tell us that you should be angry or that you should have feelings towards that person or that one, etc.

In the end, that's what defines us, they are what makes us, us. Sure our minds play a big part in that but evolution hasn't removed those impulses just yet. We know who to make friends with, we know who we like and who we don't, we know, but we don't really know why.

I knew, becoming friends with Tag, Cherrybelly, HB Sauce, Pill, Dark Horse, Wodge, AxeMan, Smeccles, Clarey, Clareloo, Breadman, EMS, Timmy, Redhead, Bieber, Smiler, and everyone else was a good idea. I didn't know why, but I knew that it would be fun. And it most certainly has been. 

I love everyone, some more than others, but we won't go there just now. And I know I dislike nuts, football, and Politicians.

Instincts, they make us who we are.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. The distractions are holding, I made a comic about Skyrim, you should read it XD

Sunday, 16 September 2012

I'm So Angry!...

*TAG - if you feel that I'm talking rubbish, going too far, or too personal, etc. then please, ignore your mission. People don't need to know if I'm just going to alienate everyone - things don't need to get worse.*

*Also, please don't take any of this seriously, I'm sure I'll feel quite differently about everything tomorrow, and something new the next day. That is how rubbish I'm being at the moment.*

Okay, so I don't know whether I actually know that/feel that, but I'm definitely getting certain levels of anger every now and then, and that's only when I think about my friends and this situation.

Right, let me get something straight, it's not all of you, TechSanity you can definitely rule yourself out of this list because you were very useful a few blogs ago - so thank you :) (also, saying that, I'm not sure how much you know/don't know, so I'll leave it at that.)

No, the friends know who they are, and you probably do as well, and I am angry at them, but not in a bad way.

Question: Does anyone actually talk to anyone anymore?!

I'm under the impression that no, no one seems to. Dark Horse talks to HB daily, or so Pill likes to remind me every single time I see him. Pill doesn't seem to give two shits about any of this. And Tag and Cherrybelly, well Tag talks to me and so does Cherrybelly on occasion.

Have I got that about right? I mean, I presume Pill talks to Dark Horse all the time as well, but that was a given. And the same can be said for Tag and Cherrybelly. 

But why is there a divide in communication? 

It's like I've always said to HB, during our pleasant times, 'even if something happened between us now (bearing in mind we've never gone out) it would affect everyone.' - well that was my counter-argument to her argument at people should stop dating in 'The Group'.

Anyway, getting a bit sidetracked.

I'm angry, and I know I shouldn't be, because I say I'm angry at everyone, I'm angry at my friends, I'm angry at her (I'm not angry at you TechSanity as we've already discussed. Perhaps we should go for a pint sometime down the local. Or would that be weird? - anyway) I'm actually angry at myself. 

But I know I'm not solely to blame. I'm not the only person in this equation, and you should all know it. Stop choosing sides. You always used to treat me and she like a couple, now start talking about us behind our backs. Start communicating for Christ-sake! - or at least act like you are if you've always been communicating. 

That is the one problem we've all always had. No one ever talks to anyone else. Have you ever thought that someone has told someone else something in confidence, but the other person should know what that person should have said? (Now, I'm gonna exclude you Pill, because you've done this before and I'm grateful - even though I didn't believe you, and I kinda still don't.)

And don't any of you dare to give me any of the Bullshit that she doesn't care. She wouldn't be actively ignoring me and keeping her distance if she didn't. And for another thing, if she didn't care, then why the Fuck did she keep me around for so long? Why did she keep suggesting we do things? Why did she agree to work with me on creating a Creative Writing course for her volunteering? Why the fuck are we going on holiday if she's always thought like that?

I know the issue, don't tell me that either, I need to know what I did to start it. It's been 2 months for Fuck-sake, and I still don't know how it started.

And Pill, I remember why I was asking her 'Why?' when she was sat next to me, I was asking her 'Why she was crying.' And if you're thinking, 'no you weren't' then I can tell you I can't, remember any other reason of asking her why. And if you really think that I'm that pathetic to say 'Why don't you like me?' or 'Why won't you go out with me?' then it appears that you don't know me at all.

I knew she liked me, but not in that way, I knew we were great friends, without a hint of 'this could happen', I knew it all, so stop telling me things you were saying in all of first and second years to me.

On that evening in question we were obviously both holding a lot of past mistakes and we had both had too much Rum. But it's been 2 months in the dark, something's got to give otherwise this holiday isn't going to be as fun or enjoyable as any of us want it to be. And Pill don't give me that crap about Dark Horse and HB just going off and doing things by themselves if things turn a little awkward. I'm sure anything they want to go do, we all want to go fucking do. Got it?

There's so much anger and sadness in me that I just hate everything today. I managed to tear up a few CVs and applications, I've now got to go re-do them, I've punched a hole in my wardrobe. And I've bruised my fists on the wall in the hallway - all while writing this on and off, cooking a Sunday Roast, and trying to ignore everything.

It's difficult to find my happy place today. And I'm sorry for the swearing, and the anger, and everything I've just said. I'm feeling it all, and my head keeps playing games with me. I just want to stay quiet, and not talk to anyone or anything from no on. What good can come from me talking? Look at what I've done, it's all in ruins. I'll just stick to writing.

I love you all, and don't think that I hate any of you. I hate myself. And I'm angry because of it.

So, your mission should you choose to accept it:

Tag - make sure Cherrybelly, Pill, and Dark Horse read this, and you guys start talking.

Pill - Stop not caring about anything. Every time we see each other you seem to press for details, and then you act all aloof and not-bothered by anything.

Dark Horse - don't choose sides. That's perhaps the most unhelpful thing. Don't treat us differently, unless you know something that we (I) don't. Don't choose a side unless you know it's a forgone conclusion. And if it is, then why the Fuck are we still pretending?

Cherrybelly - keep smiling.

And if you come to the conclusion that nothing can be done. This thing can't be resolved then by all means tell me and watch as I segregate myself from everything and everyone, and slowly disappear as I runaway.

I know you're all very busy with work and life and love and everything, but I just want you to know, that on top of all those stresses, I'd like you to start seeing that your friends need help, and they're probably not going to resolve any issues without persuasion, and alcohol.

We don't need to shake hands and say we're sorry, we don't need to kiss and make-up, we need to hug, talk, and cry about this...

I know it sounds like bullshit, but I've been strong and caring for too long, and everything's just falling apart in front of me. I can't keep ignoring it. 

And I'm not going to saying Carpe diem today - I really don't feel like it. The day can go fuck itself for all I care.

Until next time...

P.S. I hope I'm happier in my next post.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

I Should Be Doing Something...

The thing in question that I should be doing is applying for jobs and sending out my manuscripts - but there's still plenty of time in the day, so I thought I'd write one of these instead...

It's mainly brought on by a nice comment from...I've got to give him a codename so let's call him TechSanity...and TechSanity basically said that replacement was a natural feeling but a false one as people can't be replaced.

Which undoubtedly cleared up my anger, if in part, but then he went on and quoted:

'There are some things in life that don’t go the way you want them to or the way you think they should, but you can’t dwell on these because you’ll miss out on other opportunities. Don’t give up on something just because you don’t think things will work, you won’t know unless you give it a try. But don’t hold onto something that left a long time ago, because sooner or later you’ll realize some things just aren’t meant to be.'

Right, I think that needs to be broken down...

1. 'There are some things in life that don’t go the way you want them to or the way you think they should, but you can’t dwell on these because you’ll miss out on other opportunities.' I like to think of this as the Yes Man scenario. Don't miss opportunities, take life as it comes, become a nicer person without dwelling on the past - Hakuna Matata, it means No Worries.

2. 'Don’t give up on something just because you don’t think things will work, you won’t know unless you give it a try.' I think this speaks for itself, and is useful advice for everyone involved in messy situations you just want to runaway from. You've got to be brave, stand firm in the storm of doubt and all that rubbish.

3. 'But don’t hold onto something that left a long time ago, because sooner or later you’ll realize some things just aren't meant to be.' Now this is the confusing part for me. It doesn't go with the first two-parts. Or does it? In comparison to my situation, I didn't think HB's friendship with me left a long time ago, I know something else did - but that was a long while ago - even though I can't help but kick myself about it, even now. Unless of course, you all know something I don't...which, let's face it, you probably do.

I think the advice, however sound it is, might be falling on slightly deaf ears - and no HB that wasn't a crack at you. It all spans down to the fact that I still don't know what I did, I don't know how to fix it, and I keep being told that I can't. There's a definite lack of communication from anyone and everyone, and if this is it, then why don't I feel that way? Or for that matter, what the bloody hell did I do to end it?


I don't think I'll get round to understanding. I'm just waiting to be ignored on an invite list sometime soon. But I've never been one for defeat, or giving up, or other inspirationally difficult things to do. Or at least I don't think I am. I just need to know all the facts from the person in the know. We've not had the long-awaited 'talk' and then either the shit-storm will go down or something good might come from it, who knows?

The future is unwritten (I was watching Legion last night)

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Friday, 7 September 2012

It Comes In Waves...

Well like I say, it comes in waves, but what? you ask...

This week has been quite a peaceful one, my Brother started college, my Sister was in work, my Mother went to Turkey, and my Father was also in work - which was quite out of character. I had the house to myself to get on with Real Magic. Just sit down and properly go over it, start sending it out to people and places.

I even gave a copy to my Job Centre Adviser and she was ecstatic! That was quite alarming, but I was the talk of the Job Centre for my brief visit, and I look forward to seeing if she's read it at all. It was a strange concoction of emotions, I've only ever given it to one other person outside of my friends and he said that it was 'very good and it could be better.' 

So praise, excitement, and pride are definitely on the list, and then there's also worry, and fright keeping me very grounded. Until I get a message back from an Agent saying - 'Yes, we'd like to take you on and sell your book' - then I stay my quiet self (HAHA).

But I keep getting the feeling that Real Magic, now it's almost over, helped me block out the real issues in my mind. While I was lost in my imagination, pretending things were fine, or not if you've read the story, I've been ignoring the rest of the world.

It hit me yesterday, when I was pegging out washing of all things. My sister had a monopoly on the car all week, and I said, at the start of the week, that I wanted it on Saturday. This sparked an argument as she was planning to go to Bristol to shop, by herself might I add. I had another plan I hadn't suggested to people yet, and that was to drive certain parties to Tintern Abbey, as it had been the plan before a while messy situation.

Now, me having not invited the parties yet, as it was Monday, and I thought I'd do it later in the day, meant that my plans were still up in the air. I didn't know whether people would be free or not, I hadn't checked. So Natalie's going to Bristol tomorrow and I'm not going to Tintern Abbey.

The parties in question, you've guessed it, were Dark Horse and HB Sauce. So you can watch as the anger built up in me. I could have started to make amends again, being stunted as you know by the busy day coffee offer in the previous blog, but I couldn't.

And then I saw, later on, that Dark Horse had bought a car, the thought of everyone moving on with their lives weighed on me, as I'm still unable to get a job because no one wants to give me one, and therefore I'm not able to move out, etc.

And then, while pegging out washing, all these thoughts hit me at once, from my Sister's selfishness, to Dark Horse's car (I think it's partly HB's as well, but I don't know where she got the money from), and then I thought - perhaps they'd go to Tintern Abbey by themselves. 

Perhaps they'd go do something I'd suggested, without me, perhaps they'd also go to Warwick Castle as HB suggested, and perhaps visit GG and go to Glastonbury Tor without me as well. It brought a tear to my eye and I broke a few pegs as well. I was so angry, and the whole time I could hear Pill's voice saying - 'You know they'd planned to go for ages, and they went.'


No they hadn't, it was my suggestion, my contribution, and I'd feel very upset if they did it without me. HB and I were talking about Venice a long while before Dark Horse came along, Assassin's Creed 2 saw to that, and then there was the entire European Tour we planned one summer, I've still got the journey map, are you going to claim that they planned all that by themselves as well?! And then he'd go on to say: 'You know, they talk every day, they're best friends.'


And all the while, as I'm saying and thinking that I used to speak everyday, for hours, to HB, and how we were best friends (sorry Clareg, we're best friends as well, you understand), I just feel like I've been replaced. Left out in the cold, with no way of getting back in. 

It's nice to have everyone's support and friendship, it's really nice, and I don't want you guys to ever feel like I've been replacing you, ignoring you, or using you, ever - but know this, and you might understand, it's just not the same without HB. 

I miss all the moments, and all the times, and everything, unique to us. And I fear that she doesn't - also because of something Pill said, but I won't get into that.

It's like if Clareg and I weren't best friends nearly all our lives. He wouldn't have become friendly with Clareyloo earlier on and it might have taken a while longer for them to get together. And I would have been that guy who knew everyone's names and likes and dislikes, but no one would have known me. 

HB gave me someone to really talk to about anything and everything, nearly all times of the day - except the mornings - she hates mornings. 

I miss everything...and now I'm crying, why am I crying?! Come on man, man up! Let's go play L.A. Noire...

Oh...but before I go, I should mention that after the anger and everything, the xbox couldn't distract me, nor cooking, but my Brother put on Dead Poets Society, and I was wonderfully reminded...

Carpe Diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. I should also mention that without Real Magic distracting me, I might be writing more of these, but without it distracting me, you might also get a lot more anger from me. Who knows...

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

The First Steps...

Well this has been a long time coming...

If you've been following this erratically posted blog for a while, you will know that I'm quite an emotionally unstable person, even though I might not show it in person (I don't know, do I?). Either way, you may also know that I am, I have been, or I was smitten with HB Sauce - a little time travelling gag for you there TAG.

Anyway, over the last over-a-month I've gone through a tremendous amount of emotions, ranging from silence, upset, and miserable, to anger, frustration, and confusion. I've been angry at the world, angry at her, angry at myself, and I don't think I was angry for any of the reasons you're thinking...

As you know, I'm as emotionally stunted as a teenager with a crush pituitary gland, though they're also physically stunted, but meh. And that might come from my inexperience in anything like that. I'm a friend person, I have more friends than many people think I should I. I don't know why, but that's, in turn, always made me a happier person, or a happy, jolly person that you always consider me to be. I don't know whether that's because I insist on wearing the Santa suit at Christmas, or just because I'm fat, but meh again.

But the bottom line is, I think I was angry at the world for trying to know my business, all of the time, I was angry at her for dropping me in Lonelyville (population 1) and making me feel like an outcast with my friends, and making feel replaced I suppose. And I was angry at myself for thinking all of the above, and even doing something I have no memory of. I might not know what it is, but it's affect has been so dramatic and hard felt that I regret it. 

So here's me making my first proper steps towards my bridge building process. I was going to bring up something last week when I dropped HB home after TAG's birthday events. I didn't because it was such I nice time, I didn't want it to ruin anything. It was like nothing had happened, even though we knew that something had. 

Now I've just text her to see if she wanted to get a Cold Coffee later, so I can admit that I 'Fucked Up' and that 'I know I've had chances, and I don't expect any more. But I want, more than anything, to just be your friend again.' And if she doesn't then I'm going to have to live with her decision, because I've hurt us both enough by now, and enough is enough.

She just text back saying that she's least she text back - Round 1 to me XD

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Real Magic, is so very nearly done. And so very nearly sent away to Publishers and Agents. I'm gonna have to find something else to distract myself with - Minecraft, cleaning, and cooking don't seem to cut it.