Friday, 20 December 2013


Or the time of giving thanks as we say over here is something that happens this time of year. Though, and I'm sure you'll agree because you don't always see it, we don't realise what we should be thankful for all year round. It's only when we reflect, and understand everything's meaning to ourselves are we then grateful for everything's existence.

This might sound a little silly, but there's been a song playing in my work from the Muppet's Christmas Carol, and it's got me thinking, as these things do, considering my current mood and outlook on life and the world in general...

'Every night will end, and every day will start, with a grateful prayer and a thankful heart.' And I am grateful, no matter my mood, for all the small things as well as the big ones. From coffee to lemon curd, to the sudden bursts of inspiration, the first walk of spring, reading trees, and the warm summer breeze. Adventures into the unknown, band photos, and slow-mo strutting. I am thankful for the memories that we have made. Firepit dances, speechless pier gazing, midnight talks, slow dancing in a club, quiet drinks down the pub, and beyond. 

And I am particularly thankful for and as the song goes on to say: 'Life is like a journey, who knows when it ends? Yes, and if you need to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends.' And I am, it has to be said, the wealthiest of men because of it. 
Is it a risk to love, what if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?
Peter McWilliams

Keep on Carping! (Carpe diem...)

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Okay I Admit It...

I am Thomas Edward Ajax-Lewis, and I have depression...

It took me so long to write that earlier, on actual paper. I was avoiding the topic with filler sentences in a journal I've started to get all the bad thoughts and everything out of my head. This used to be the place where I vented, but the thoughts have been getting darker and darker for a few years now. I wouldn't want to do that to you.

So why am I telling you all this now? Truthfully, I thought it was actually time to start speaking about it. I've probably been quite upset for a while now. Even before Uni. It might have had something to do with me being a very angry child. I was diagnosed in the summer after first year. My nine week headache was a symptom disabling me from getting up on some days, making me angry and intolerable on others. But when I returned to Uni it disappeared. It was all in my head after all. But really the reason I'm talking about this now, is that I watched a video on Facebook earlier...

And while watching it, I was in tears, I wasn't sure why I reacted so emotionally to it, but I think it might have been because I related to most things that kindly voice was saying. I keep saying that everyone has off days, and I've been having a lot of off days recently. As much as my job makes me smile, I'm only really smiling when I'm with my friends. My workmates can tell when I'm having a quiet day, they tell me that I have sad eyes. So, its now time. Enough is enough. I'm sick of the dark thoughts, the thoughts that make me angry at people for no reason, the thoughts that send me loopy. This is the reason why I can't spend anytime by myself doing nothing. I am the worst person I know, and my mind knows it. But it's okay. If I talk about it, and keep on top of it, I'm doing something about it. Right?

I think my Mother already knows. And she's probably known all along. From a few months ago, to last Summer, to beyond that. She worries, as do I, and I'm thankful that she's concerned and misses me. And I'm thankful for all the love I have in the world, from all of you my nearest and dearest, to my most distant and pally. I am luckier than most, and I've just got to keep remembering that. I admit I'm not the most interesting at times, or chatty, and I can be wonderfully annoying, but social interaction seems to be the best way for me to combat this. Or at least keep it at bay. And whether that means drinks, or a casual text, then so be it.

My mind rested for the first time in a long while after a text conversation I had with Tag yesterday morning. Just checking in, and chatting for the hell of chatting. Having grown up in an unhappy neighbourhood and town for that matter, I'm thankful for my family, although I know depression has touched their lives as well. I found out recently that both Mum and Dad have suffered at one time or another. Dad's Best Friend killed himself 23 years ago. 3 of my childhood friends have suffered with it, and one of them killed themselves. You can't dwell on the past, or family history, you've just got to focus on the now and the future. The Dog Days Are Over as it were. 

I don't want to tell you everything, because I'm sure we would all be here for a bloody long time, so I'll leave it at that. And I just wanted to let you know that I love you all (you know who you are), and Carpe diem you beautiful people!...

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

The Man In The Moon...

I think it's fair to say, that waking up this morning, I haven't felt this good for many many months. And I'm not sure whether it's anything to do with the Karms Nights I've been taking, or the 12-hour shift I just did, but I feel good. 

On the flip side, it's quite depressing that this flat is brightest in the middle of winter with all the lights switched on than it is at Midday on Midsummer's Eve.

Hey diddle diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle,
The Cow jumped over the Moon.
The Little Boy laughed to see such fun,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon.

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you, and longer if I may. I'm also finding it increasingly difficult to focus on just one thing at the moment, which is seemingly adding to my absent mindedness. I forgot where I put my helicopter the other day for about 45mins. 

For you I'd wait, til Kingdom come, until my days, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. Tomorrow, I shall be wrapping all of my Christmas presents. Half of my colleagues think I'm being cheap with my wrapping paper this year. I must buy string. The other half like the traditional look. They're gonna be actual parcels, in actual sacks. Its gonna be good!

Shake it, shake it and we're moving again. Been a long time coming for the working man. Shake it, shake it and we're moving again. When the money is high, we can start to spend. Just 15 days left to go. And I'm working all the rest of them it seems. Fun times. 

I shall see you later. Pip pip, and more importantly Carpe diem...

Monday, 9 December 2013

The Grand Old Duke Of York...

Did you know?...

He had ten-thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.

And when they were up, they were up
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only half way up,
They were neither up nor down.

Really? That doesn't sound right. It doesn't no, you're right, but thems the words. Been a bit odd this past day or so. I am running super late this morning, wherein actual fact, I always have more than enough time to do everything I always do, even this. I'm just starting this a lot later than normal. 

Yesterday I went to a YouTube Gathering. And waited. For about an hour. Looking like a sad, confused old man holding a Marks and Spenser bag. No wonder the hipsters avoided me. I started walking home, feeling, I'm not too proud to say, a little upset. I threw the M&S bag at the ever growing pile of presents yet to be wrapped in my bedroom and played a bit of Skyrim (I think I should stop doing that now. It's been 100+ hours). 

Either way, later on I get messages from everyone, and I mean everyone. Red, Tag, Cherry, Mum, Pill, and Kim. I've never been so popular on a Sunday evening. Turns out I had to get food and wait around for my Parents as they were passing through to say 'Hi'. Kim was a little disheartened that I couldn't go hang out before she went to work, but then punctuality would have solved that issue.  

Pill and I are getting our Christmas Tree called Erik next Sunday, rota permitting. And then Pill went over the schedule for next weekend. He was like we need to watch Lord of the Rings, and then The Hobbit, and then there's Game's Night the Carmartheners are down visiting, and I want to squeeze in a bit of climbing and everything. And he was double checking everything with me, as if half the stuff was relevant to me. Lord of the Rings yes. Friday Night yo! (Though I'm not sure on whether it'll be at mine again). And Game's Night, because I live here. As for the Hobbit, the weekends are far too busy for the cinema, aren't they?

That was mostly my mood yesterday, yeah sure. I am so full of sedative now it's unbelievable. Karms for Lunch, Karms for Tea, sleep the dreamless sleep, Karms for breakfast, rinse and repeat. Herbs can't be too bad for you can they?

Well, we'll find out.

I see fire, inside the Mountains,
I see fire, burning the trees,
I see fire, hallow in souls,
I see fire, blood in the breeze...

Carpe diem, adventurers...

Saturday, 7 December 2013

They're Here, They've Come...

It's a weird one, I'm all up and ready to go to work, but I've got another hour or so, and I'm thinking about what I can write on here today, but I'm coming up blank. So, let's do what I normally do and keep writing until something relevant appears on the page with a supporting opinion...

Yesterday was a busy day in work, and I got very tired quite soon after lunch. It's all the performing and running around with people and for people. And then I went shopping for the last bits of Mum's Christmas shopping, and that was successful after ten minutes of queuing. Luckily I got my queuing practice in in the Summer when we went to Alton Towers. Either way, dressing gown and slippers purchased and foolishly left in work. Just something else to cross off the list. Yes, there's a list. 

Have you seen one of today's Qwertee's? 

A 150 Pokemon for Christmas. Looks pretty badass. I wonder who makes all these. It should be a knitted jumper instead I think.

I'm going to a YouTube Gathering tomorrow. That's going to be odd. Hanging out with people I've never hung out before with, except Kim. I wonder what's on the agenda. Red's coming over tonight to hit the town with her work crew. So that leaves me either waiting up for her, playing Skyrim, possibly wrapping presents, and catching up on some telly after I've done the inevitable cleaning. Or I could gather some friends of my own and hit the town too. Likely.

I might go wondering about the Park before work. it's now 8:40. How did this happen?

Carpe diem Muddafuckkas!

Friday, 6 December 2013

It Always Seems Impossible Until Its Done...

That was the most restful night's sleep I've had in about a month or so. And my reason being, drugs putting me into a dreamless state. It was quite pleasant. Thank you Karms...

Yesterday was Thursday (I could never get the hang of Thursdays) and as it was, it seemed like a pretty normal day. Work and all that was work. The Harlem Globetrotters came into store to perform a few stunts five and a half hours later than advertised, and my walk home was filled with ideas for projects I'm going to ask permission to do today. Its going to be a busy couple of weeks if I get the go ahead. But it'll be worth it. And then I get home and we sit down, like normal, and watch our programs, like normal, and then I read that Mr. Mandela (as I was taught to call him from a young age) had died. 

I remember signing a postcard in a Catholic Conference a very long time ago in Manchester which said on it:

Overcoming poverty is not a task of charity, it is an act of justice. Like Slavery and Apartheid, poverty is not natural. It is man-made and it can be overcome and eradicated by the actions of human beings. Sometimes it falls on a generation to be great. YOU can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom.

And the idea was that we sent that postcard to ourselves and remember the message we wrote on it and the message on the postcard. I still have the postcard and its messages. Thank you Mr. Mandela.

It's LOTR Day again, tonight's installment, The Two Towers (Part 2: Electric Boogaloo) and it's going to be epic again.

Carpe diem Everyone!

Thursday, 5 December 2013

You Guys Are Awesome...

Here are two things that made me feel inadequate today. The first being a video of amazing people's amazing stunts. They aren't those of kindness or love or a type of selfless caring for one another in a world of turmoil but just acts of awesome...

And the second is a reminder that creative minds like myself can make awesome things too despite being physically or even mentally incapable of doing any of the stunts in the former video...

Both stand as a reminder for me, or more a sign, that no matter how low you get there are always highs, and no matter how good you get there's always a way to get better. Don't lose it if you think you've got it, and when you've got it, never stop making it better...

Carpe diem...