Saturday 30 October 2010

The Passing of a Few Things...

This post isn't going to be a very happy one, so if you don't want to hear it, look away now...

My Grandfather, Mr. Bernard Turley, died on Thursday at 19:55. He had been suffering from prostate cancer, and looked like he was getting better, until he contracted what I presume was a 'Cold'. Indeed, he will be missed by me, and my entire family. And that is the last I shall speak of that. My mother would like my brother and I to be 'Pallbearers' and I am to do a reading, which we are only happy enough to do.

The Funeral is in almost a week's time, and all I can think about is everything and anything other than work...which is a bugger as my first essay is due in a week and a half's time. I have been thinking about Video Games, Job Prospects, Work Experience, How I'm going to learn Modernism in time, that certain someone, the Funeral, my Grandfather, Food, Memories, Mistakes, the Future, My Birthday (6 days after the funeral - that's going to be a cheery event), certain conversations I've had with people about a certain someone...

ARGH!

It's all a bit much to be thinking about and doing right now don't you think?

I'll tell you this now, this is the last time I am going to wait for something to happen in my life, it happened in the summer, and it happened now. In the summer I had the news about my Grandfather, a Surprise Birthday Party for my Mother, and a certain someone admitting to liking me (guess which one I fucked up?). Well now, it's not exactly the same situation. I would have thought I'd be using my Reading Week to complete work and the like, but no. Last week we received the questions for the essay due next week, last week my grandfather died, last week was a bad week. And on top of it all, I'm terribly distracted from anything and everything. I can't focus.

So, after talking with people, admittedly it was alcohol fueled, I have been advised to 'let sleeping dogs lie' with a certain someone. It's something I don't really want to do, but I feel like I might have to. On my wall I have inscribed: 'Repair the Damage done on the 6th July!!!' Is this how I go about it? Is this how I repair this, by letting it go altogether? Could I suffer another lose this week? I don't know.

I do know, however, that Modernism is a difficult 'ism' to grasp, and that I need to work fast and bloody well to get that done before the end of the week. I'll let you know how it all goes...

But that's me, until next time bloggers...

Sunday 24 October 2010

Mazing Der-Man Time!...

You know what? I'm actually really fed up of being Single.

Though, you know, I've tried so many times to get girl friends, and screwed it up that many times, so I suppose I don't actually deserve one.

It's quite sad really, a single life style, single food, single work, single life, single life, single life!

I completely fucked up my relationship with a certain someone over the summer (6th July), and have been trying to repair the damage I did since then. I don't know what to do, I've never been in a relationship. I've never tried to properly do this stuff, though I did this time around which is upsetting.

Perhaps I'm never meant to be with anyone.

But I went and opened my big mouth on that day, the evening of that day, and I have been wondering why I would ever say such a thing, ever!

I mean, my Grandfather's not been well, and my Mother's Surprise 50th was in the planning that week, but they shouldn't have gotten in the way, should they? I mean I think I actually truly do (to hell with it) love her. I know I sound all needy and stalkerish, but I bloody well love the woman, and if she doesn't bloody well love me back, well then that's my problem and I've just got to get over it.

The thing is, I really don't want to get over it. She's wonderful. But should I be losing sleep over this topic, and others?

I mean my Grandfather's getting worse apparently, and Mum has been saying these past couple of weeks that if the Chemo doesn't look like it's working, then she doesn't see him surviving to Christmas, and then there's an Essay (Argh! The Stupid Bint!) - need I say more? My birthday is coming up, and I'm stressing for no apparent reason about all of these things, and you know the one thing I'm sad about? I'm sad, because I don't feel like I can talk to her about all of this, I'm sad because I'm writing it here to vent, I'm sad because I'm just sad.

I was seriously contemplating just sitting her down and telling her (not like she doesn't know) that I really do like her and that if she doesn't like me, then she had best tell me right now, because my mind, as some of you know, makes up it's own world and events, and at the moment it's seeing a future with this one girl. So I've got to tell her to put me down in the cruelest way possible and shunt me for future months, which is something I don't want to do for obvious reasons.

But I don't know. I'll probably have a better out look on life tomorrow after a bit of sleep.

But that's me, until next time bloggers...

Wednesday 20 October 2010

To Love or Not To Love...

Here we are again, not working...

There's 5 Hours until my Modernism Lecture, but I have no idea where it is, so perhaps if I just get my books out at 2.15-4.15 a class will appear around me and we'll begin. That's far better than the alternatives I'll tell you that. Perhaps she'll move it to the end of the week, again, which I can't do, perhaps she'll move it to tomorrow, which I don't want to happen because I want to ask someone something to do with that day, or perhaps she'll move it to a double lesson next week, which I don't want to happen because that'll mean double Modernism, whereby we'll get 4 Hours of it, which should be 6 - so I suppose we're lucky in a sense...

Moving on...

HB Sauce's birthday went wonderfully I hope. She seemed to enjoy it. The Surprise bit didn't really happen, but it was still a nice gesture...yes? Anywho, I got to talking with Tag and Cherrybelly about love and relationships and the like before the Paaaaaaaartay last week. Merely exclaiming, Cherrybelly said: 'We just want someone to love you the way we do.' Which I thought was awfully sweet. And then we got to talking about asking HB Sauce out (it's okay saying this here right? She doesn't read any of this, unless you do, in which case - Hi HB Sauce!). Which is what I wanted Thursday for, we'd go to Swansea for some Sushi and Shopping, just me and her. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? (Say yes Tag!) Anywho, it's been 5 days since HB's 21st and I have chickened out of asking her almost 6 times, mainly because she's never alone when I want to ask.

I've got to ask her, otherwise I'd never know riiiight? Anywho, that's the first plan, otherwise it's plan two and I don't really want to do that one.

But that's me, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Let's get your blogs back into shape with more questions shall we? Okay, Question: Which Plant or Zombie would you prefer to be, and why?

Sunday 10 October 2010

The Crunch Time for Life...

Well, it's finally here, it's time to ask that question again...what am I going to do with my Life?

Ultimately I would like to become a writer/journalist/personality/whatever, but I don't really know how to get there or what not. I'd like to writer the great novel, I'd like to bring people breaking news and travel far and wide to do so, I think I'd like to travel, I'd like to just be famous and have people like me for being so.

How the hell am I going to do that? Do I gather my friends and make a website/book/Tv show?

Perhaps I can sell some merchandise...perhaps, perhaps, perhaps!

What am I going to do?! There's 267 days of Uni left in my official stretch. Will I continue that on and get into more and more debt to further and education which I hope will lead to something. Hell, I've got a loan to start paying back in a year or so.

What jobs can I get? That don't involve being employed to stock shelves and the like. What the devil am I going to do with my life?

I could stay put in Carmarthen, work for a bit, do my Masters, and live with Tag, Cherrybelly, Wodge, and Pill. I could see what my newly freshered friend is doing in Swansea, see what the work's like over there. I could go home and go to Swansea to do my PGCE. Or I could go it alone, branch out, discover the world, become something or fail trying.

I just don't know. There's got to be something out there, I can't just bum around for the rest of my life. Work calls, then there's the money, and then I can retire nice and wealthy, with my wife, my 2.5 children and settle in a nice home back in Carmarthen (among other places).

I just hope to God that I win the lottery sometime soon, so I don't have to answer this question now. Perhaps I should start playing the Lottery...perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

But that's me, until next time bloggers...