Normality?...

So, it turns out in the black recesses of the night, I still have dark thoughts. It actually turns out that in the bright gloom of the afternoon sun, I also have dark thoughts. For instance I was walking home yesterday, and I wondered what it would be like to get hit by a speeding car, if it jumped the red light as I was crossing the road...

I'm not sure whether that was a dark thought or just me trying to envisage the scene and the feelings and the hurt involved, both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I think I'm probably weird for that thought alone, but then even while Pill was here I continued the stream of badness. It turns out, I have to be told something's a secret for me not to tell anyone else about it. I think that annoys Pill the most about me. Perhaps there is something mentally wrong with me. Will I go see someone about it? Probably not, because I don't think there's anything wrong with me. Every human being has the capability of imagining and experiencing exactly the same things, given time. I suppose the car hitting one is most influential because of my father and grandmother. But hey, maybe not.

I also came to the conclusion, whilst talking to workmates, that I'm not the best when it comes to series decisions, topics, or life-altering events. If you ask me anything along those lines, my mouth (which is already a stupid talking tool) says something I don't mean, or a blue joke no-one gets but me, and I ultimately look stupid. However, give me a day to think about things, maybe even shorter on occasion, and I can give you my actual opinion and feelings towards the matter at hand. I'm stupid, and quite emotionally retarded when it comes to most things actually. And I have no idea why...

Or perhaps I'm just being silly and questioning things that aren't there, or normal things altogether. Pill made me sit and watch Pirates yesterday. It wasn't unpleasant, but as I'm going on a home-visit on the weekend (not sure which day) he wants me to bring back the other two Pirates, that aren't on Netflix. 

I'm already missing the sun. Soon it'll be autumn, where walks through the park will be even more colourful, birthdays, Halloween, bonfire night, are all going to be awesome, and then it'll be the hugging weather, and the best time of year (behind summer obvs), Christmas. A time of warmth, love, caring, and even more fun. I think this has been the best year so far, a year where I've actually been able to do stuff, lots of stuff, and not regret a single expenditure. But I'll save the summary for New Year's Day, like always...

Until then, Carpe diem...