Tuesday 17 September 2013

Toxic Thoughts...

I figured out, quite a long time ago, that no one really ever wanted or wants to do what I want to do. Its probably why I tend not to celebrate my birthday. A day for just me? Who would want that? And that sort of thought process has probably influenced me and my personality most of all. I imagine most people view me as a pushover, someone who just does what they're told and doesn't try to rock the boat. But beneath the surface all I'm thinking about is everyone else's happiness, because if they're happy, I'll be happy, right? Well, for the most part that's true... (And I hate thinking that people aren't actually happy, and there's nothing in the world I can do to help.)

I confronted Pill last night about the Roast Dinner thing, and I asked him whether or not he thought I was living a toxic lifestyle, no commitments, just a whim and an urge to go and do things. He told me something I wasn't expecting. He said that I was a genuinely nice guy and that he didn't want people to take advantage of the generosity and kindness I'm capable of. He thinks I should never change, because the world needs genuinely nice guys, but something needs to happen, and I can't continue to go the way I'm going. But he doesn't think I live toxicly and admits that he too has taken advantage of me.

Needless to say, I was taken aback (trust Pill to give an analytical answer) and somewhat responded in a way slightly more aggressive than I wanted to. I told him I was fine with being taken advantage of because I knew it was happening, and I was fine with it, because my friends were doing it. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't be so lucky I'm sure. But after all that I can't help but think whether or not its a good thing. I know I've reasoned it to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for me? 

Another rather interesting thing happened to me yesterday too. I had a customer who read me. It was odd, after all, she only wanted a teddy bear, but read me nonetheless. And when I say read, I mean she analysed the way I spoke and came to a conclusion (or I assume she did). She suspected that I might have had a stutter when I was a child/teenager (correct) and that I thought I overcame that stutter (I have, haven't I?) but the simple pauses and elongated thoughts told her otherwise. Apparently, there's too much in my head trying to get out, and that's why half the time my sentences don't make sense or I start speaking and forget I'm doing so and stop again. She suggested I just start talking and see where that got me, get things off my chest and shit like that, and I thanked her for her advice and she bought the teddy. But like fuck am I doing that. I don't even know what I would say (lies) or to who I would say it (lies) or even why (lies). It was quite a hard hitting day to be honest...

I awkwardly met with Red in the morning to hand back a necklace she had left at mine, she was the only one in her shop, I could have stayed longer and chatted for a bit. It would have been a nice start to the day because then I was busy as soon as I started work up until about 3pm, when I realised that it was 3pm, and I hadn't sold anything, again. I miss Cherry working in town, and our subsequent Le Lake Poob meetings. The young days of our relationship together, winter to summer, and now winter is coming again (snow next month, Pill says)...

I'm getting a sort of mild case of paranoia at the moment, I'm not sure whether it's because of my mental state or because I live on Green Street, but paranoia nonetheless. I feel like everyone's talking about me, and that things are being said, planned, and done without me. I don't know. It's an odd one.

I miss the quiet calm of summer...

Carpe diem...

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