Now Leaving Hengoed...

So today was the day of the big interview...

You know the one, the Job at the Job Centre? Needless to say that the interview went swimmingly, I chatted for a while with a few people I knew (my interviewers), having been going to the Job Centre for 9 months now I've come to know a far few of the women up there.

I put a tie on as well, as per my Father's instruction (he wasn't too happy about me being offered such a job in the first place, so it was nice to have some input).

Interview over and done with I set off home with time to kill before Tag came along and we went to inspect his and Cherrybelly's new possible house. I also had time to kill before I heard how I got on from the interview. 

I played Skyrim - trying to ignore, as best as I could, that HB had rekindled my want to play during the week. Tag turned up, and we went on our merry way. I got a phone call...

Yep, I didn't get it. But I was close, apparently. It'll be interesting to see what people think on Wednesday, but meh, it would have been a good job, but I'm not too devastated. I also got some interview feedback, and apparently I interview well - so why did I not get the job? Experience probably.

So we went to the potential house, it was a nice house, in a bit of a dodgy area. I could see that Tag was a little disheartened because it had looked very good online - I suppose that's why you look at it in person before you make a commitment. 

It was a good view.

But we left Hengoed, or we tried too. It seemed, that the signs kept welcoming us to Hengoed, and we were never going to leave!

But we got out...no surprise there.

Passing through Caerphilly, I got another phone call...

It was Hamleys, the greatest toy shop in the world, just phoning to interview me, and then invite me to another interview on Thursday, no big deal.

We wondered around Cardiff waiting for Cherrybelly to finish work, witnessed many Scots and Police, and Horses (the Police were on them). We sat in the cold, and talked for a bit, Tag was trying to get me to talk to girls I really wasn't interested in. And I realised, that despite my whole day being busy, I realised I was doing something I didn't want to do... 

I thought of HB. I can't ignore her, I can't forget her, and it's bugging me. Admittedly, it always has been. I found out that everyone does know what I did, but they won't tell me. I have no idea why not. I think it would be useful knowledge, even if they don't think so.

Perhaps GG will know something tomorrow when I pick her up from the Station, before heading to HB's party. 

Yep, tomorrow's going to be an odd one...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Better...

I will admit that yesterday was a very bad day...

I'm very lucky that none of you have ever seen me on one of my bad days, and if I have a bad day with you, I tend to be able to block it out with other activities.

I think Tag has been the one closest to seeing a bad day and that was on Branagh's Stag Do. But that wasn't a bad day, it was an episode mind.

Tag was also quite right in his blog yesterday. I suck at feelings and shit. I just can't explain them in person. I stumble over words, and I tend to hide behind humour and silence if I can. This blog is my safe area, its a large dose of emotions, on occasion, that people can drop in and out of. People can choose to read it or not, and I can get stuff off my chest. It's very simple. And with this being an unknown blog, its even easier, like a diary anyone can read, but only a few people have found.

But okay then...

Today was a much better day, obviously the thoughts of HB come and go, but they didn't linger today like they did yesterday. I woke up to a phone call from my lovely Job Centre Advisor saying something like:

'You know you said last week, were there any jobs going here at the Job Centre? There is a temporary position, would you like me to submit your CV for you?'

I answered 'Yes' of course, and hours later I received a phone call from someone else from the Job Centre I know, and she invited me to an interview with her on Friday. 

I've also been nominated for an award through my voluntary work. One of my reviews (From Dust) is up for it, and you can vote for me HERE.

And the Publisher I Interned for back in February got back in contact, after I sent my Manuscript to him. He sent it on to the appropriate people and told me that he's going to keep on top of it. I look forward to hearing from them. 

It's amazing how days change so dramatically. I'm looking forward to the weekend again, when I get to see everyone again. I don't know whether I'm particularly looking forward to it because I get to see HB again (naughty me), but it should be fun. I'm picking up GG now so I won't be arriving alone, too early, or too late, so I'll be able to deliver Cherrybelly to the Station on the Sunday if you like Tag. 

I shouldn't get too drunk (I'll be stupid again, undoubtedly - Tag, you're the BT inspector! lol) (unless of course you see that alcohol is required in every aspect of the evening - it's easy to say things when drunk).

Is anyone baking a cake? HB will be pissed if no one bakes a cake. Lots of things to think about.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Quickly, Call the Men in White Coats...

So, I know this is my third post today, but I just wanted to continue a line of thought that has seemingly plagued me all day...

Why would she invite me if she didn't want me there? Why would she even invite me if she was ignoring me?

I think she doesn't want to upset the balance, as much as it has already been upset. Or could it actually be, that she wants me there? I don't think either of us has celebrated the other's birthday without one and other for the last four years, so I suppose you could blame it on routine. Oh I don't know...

I have a theory. I will admit, in September, I did send HB a message that was rather sentimental and the like, basically saying that I missed her. That was the 13th (I'm being an accidental detective stalker tonight). By happy coincidence, this evening, I was reading through HB's back-log of work and I stumbled upon something that I thought was really very beautiful - you might have read it already, but if not, it's linked HERE. 

But anyway, this evening, because I might be reading into things, I re-read the description, and then read the comment that wasn't mine (I hadn't seen it before).

The piece description went like this:

"Inspiration comes in short bouts, but i wanted to write. I felt that i needed to put some words to paper. Words are so powerful, emotional, destructive.

I've been thinking a lot lately. 

Trying to look forwards to something. But there is something so hollow about a few seconds from now. Something that lacks mystery, lacks power. Perhaps, someday, we will find our way again."

And the comment was this:

"Wow, I'm not sure I've read much of your stuff like this. I don't know if there's more, but if there has been, it's been a long time since I've read any of it. But this was very emotional, because I feel like I can truly relate. Hopefully things will start looking more up for you love. I got ya. "

It made me question what she was thinking about, and as it was posted on the 17th, only 4 days after my heart-felt message, I'm thinking I know what she was thinking - obviously I can't prove it, but that's where my mind is at this evening. I know that she cares, even though she says she doesn't. She has her reasons, and she's stubborn. Things will work out for the better I think.

Either way, at the moment, I'm slightly hopeful for this weekend's jollities. All the anxiety attacks, the weeks in bed, in silence, and all the loneliness, might come to a head, I might get some answers (whether I like them or not), I might get some closure...

Tell me to shut I because I'm being a mental. Hopefully, if I finally get a good night's sleep (it was a nice sleep at yours Tag, but I still had complex dreams), I'll wake up completely fine tomorrow, and my madness will have subsided considerably. 

This mad man will be getting on with something less mental now, so Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Madness...

It's official, I've gone mad... 

I was just in the kitchen prancing around saying 'Does she like me, does she not? What am I doing? Ignore her, ignore her, ignore her! Do I need a banana?' And then I thought about asking her whether she wants me there on Saturday or not, drinking, merrymaking (or at least trying to do all of the above).

I definitely got out of the wrong side of the bed today. Job applications were completed and sent away, comic strips were written and drawn, I've been watching House Season 7, and everything has just flown by. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I care too much I think. And that's why it matters, to me at least. The more everyone says ignore her, forget her, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a stupid situation. You might think it's a stupid situation you might think she's being mean, but weeks ago she said that she was going to do this, and it would be for my own good. 

She said she wasn't doing this to be mean. 

But I fear that it's not worked for my own good, and it's definitely not worked if this was to help us in the long-term. If she was doing this to get out, then that's also not working. Is it wrong that I'm determined she's not getting out of this that easy. 

I don't know what's going to happen, and Wodge don't worry about the difficult questions, they need to be asked. I can't see the future, but I wish I could. 

I can honestly say that I've not felt this way about anyone before. But I can also say that I don't know whether these feelings will go away or not (the difficult question answered a bit more roundly). It's the follow the heart conundrum. I aim to be happy, and just be comfortable. 

I apply for jobs I'm not likely to get because they are writing jobs, and I don't have enough real-world writing experience. I'm afraid of other employment because I have a stupid thing saying 'this isn't what you want' in the back of my head (but I apply for them anyway, I'm not that stupid).

Okay, I am being stupid - but if she's ignoring me, why has she started 'liking' almost all of my Facebook things for the past week? Why did she respond to the text? Why am I still going on about this?!

Secretly, for the past 3 months I've been hoping that she's been reading these. I've been hoping that she's been thinking, at length, about everything I've been thinking about. I hope, I hope, I hope, and I suppose that's the one thing that got me into this whole mess (I think)...hope.

In all honesty, I don't care whether HB and I are going to be a couple or not. The one thing I do care about is whether HB and I are best friends. I doubt anything will be the same. I know, that I have feelings, she knows I have feelings, were we just too comfortable?

I don't want to factor in anyone else, because anyone else shouldn't matter in the equation. This is my problem, and I'm very thankful for you all trying to help me with it. But for now I'm either saying, why now? Or stop reading into it. See I told you I was mad.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Like Death...

Errrrrrrghghghghgh...

Well, this morning I felt like death. I feel much better now, but still, it has to be said...death.

I know I haven't written in a while, it's getting quite frustrating. The weekend felt good, I went to a Cowpots Surprise Birthday party, it was fun, and there was much merriment. I got to hang out with everyone, well mostly everyone. And there was a lot of wine and drink, and food. So tasty.

It was good seeing Wodge again, and there was one thought that crept up on me, and I wasn't expecting it - what if HB and I stay away for a year, get our own lives, and then come back and everything will be where it was. I doubt that, but blah.

Everyone's telling me to ignore her, forget her, move on, yes it's certainly a case of easier said than done. Wodge started talking to me about my feelings towards HB and they were really tough questions Wodge - I don't know if I'd still like her when I'm married with kids. I think if I did, I wouldn't have a wife and kids. 

I don't know. And I don't think anyone does.

I also came to the realisation, that before HB the last girl I probably, properly fancied, was in Year 8. The Second Year debacle was definitely a self-destructive phase - and don't ask me about it, there are somethings that I don't want to revisit or tell anyone about. 

We can't continue like this, otherwise our friends are going to become just one of our friends, or every gathering is going to be awkward, and ignored, and blah blah. 

If we push each other away we're not going to be the friends that we say we are. This doesn't feel like a friendship - or at least not one I've ever been a part of. It's weird.

It's good to know that the trust is still there though. I asked for her username and password to some software she gave me a while ago, and she replied with haste. 

She's also drawn some badass fanart of my comic strip - The Skyrim Escapades. I shouldn't read into it, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but do so. 

Blah, blah, blah, I have not made logical sense. I don't know why, we'll see what happens later on to see if I can translate any of this.

Until next time bloggers...

A Few More Ups and Downs...

I'd firstly like to start my addressing and apologising to DarkHorse:

'I'm very sorry for forgetting to apply for the list of Civil Service jobs you sent me. I was half way through applying for one when something must have happened, I don't know what it was, or would have been, but it completely slipped my mind until you reminded me today. And unfortunately the application process had ended. I'm sorry for your wasted efforts, but I'm very grateful for your effort

Sorry again.'

And that might lead on to something I may or may not discuss today, it all depends on where my mind goes. In fact, my mind is exactly what I aim to talk about for a short while. I have no clue what it's doing or why it's doing it. I remember dates and times and things, but I really can't remember why they're relevant. I only know I'm busy on Saturday, and Next Saturday, and the Saturday after that, etc., but I can just about remember why. 

Obviously I know what's happening on the 13th, no need to discuss that. Really it should be the 15th, but we're not young and free any more. 

Using Facebook, however, I could tell you that this Saturday is a Cowpot's birthday (look it up, the ice cream is wonderful), but I've started to relate that as the next time I get to see Tag, Cherrybelly, and Wodge (as I've learnt that Pill and DarkHorse won't be present). I suppose that's a very good thing. But my mind's all muddled.

I woke up this morning, and all it seemed to be set on was HB, as cliched as it might sound. It wondered how she was, and what she was doing. (It turned out that HB was sent the same vacancies by DarkHorse and she also failed to apply for them - at least I'm not the only one in her bad books.) And then it thought that how am I going to ignore her, if she's ignoring me. It's quite difficult, to say the least.

Anyway, HB left my mind, not long after I reached the Job Centre (ah yes, it's a Job Centre day). Having been, apparently, unable to find employment for the 9 months I've been on Job Seekers, I've no got a definite time limit of the 31st October or else!...but we'll get on to that.

Advisor, my Advisor if you hadn't guessed, hasn't been seeing me my entire time at the Job Centre, she was newly trained and I waited until August to meet her. And that's only really when the Job Centre became useful to me. Anywho, I gave Advisor a copy of Real Magic, and she seems to be enjoying it. She said it was exciting and intriguing as she read it. She's still reading it, but that was good hearing that (it's only been rejected 3 times so far by Wade and Doherty, Diana Banks, and Johnathon Clowes). 

But that was the good news I received today, she then went on to say the ultimatum. And we got talking, and I should have really been put onto a Government Work Program on the 6th (something Advisor doesn't want me to do because it's for the people who want to stay on benefit) so she boosted me until the 31st. She stuck her own neck out for me. I offered to Sign Off if she was going to get in trouble, and avoid the Work Program, as advised, but she said that she would do this instead. 

So, October 2012 is when I get a job. I have to, otherwise I'll be letting someone else down, and I think we can all agree, I've done far too much of that this month.

Time to get my fucked up life in order. It's not as fucked up as most, but you know. I've managed to fracture my uni friendship circle, I've failed to get so many jobs (due to being unsuitable), and I'm sure I've disappointed all of you at least once.

I can't seem to forget all my failures, my mistakes, and all the people I miss/have wronged, and yet I'm forgetting everything else. Perhaps, if I start getting things right, things might get back to normal, who knows.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Hello India, it's been a looong while. I'm glad you think I've grown as a person. I was talking earlier, with Clareg, about how both me and he have changed so much in all our years as friends (I've known him since he was 4).

P.S.S. Tag, talking about what your mother was doing when she was your age sounded awesome. I think my mother was either in Admin or Education and my Father was in Uni until he was 29, the lucky sod lol.

Lethargy...

There's definitely been something quite lethargic about me of late...

Well, there's still no job, but my mentor has told me that that's no bad thing - I've got a lot going for me, I cartoon, I've got a novel out there, I'm getting cartoons published, I'm constantly working on The Writing People website, and I might even make some merchandise type stuff to go with it. Also, on the checklist, is a Creative Writing course that I agreed to do back in either May or June - long story short life certainly got in the way and I didn't get round to doing it, along with HB (awkward), and I'm now back on track, only to find out that it's no longer needed, because there was a time limit - even though I wasn't ever told about that bit.

I'm not angry...I think I'm actually still going to do it for them, and see if they have any money in the future to hold it. I just feel sorry, because I said I'd do it, and I now feel like I've failed them (which I have). I'm going to write them a Creative Writing course anyway I think. I'm also going to continue writing content for their website - they always say nice things about my writing.

Today, and most of the weekend - when I could have been doing lots of things - I've been sort of stuck in a rut, mainly with issues revolving around my life, and not my imagination. I have all these ideas, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything about them.

Have I spent my creative energies on Real Magic? Was that it for this year?

I was reading Tag's blog earlier, and from what I can tell, he feels like he's free falling, he doesn't know where his life is going, and it's probably not where he thought it was at this point in time. He has a job, a girlfriend, an independence and I'm jealous of him. On the flip-side, I've had the time to write, explore creative outlets, and be free from life for a long while now. I hope he's jealous of me (be jealous of me!)

We all want each other's lives I think. Which is why everything feels so right when we're all together, like the puzzle pieces coming together. And that what everyone's friends are there for. Maybe their families too, but I don't think I would count my family in the normal feeling whole thing.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I never know where I'm going with this.

I've been given new ideas, new 'tactics' as some people would describe them, so I'll try and stick to the regime.

My mother's in the hospital at the moment, so we've been visiting her. She's doing fine, she thinks the doctors are making a fuss over nothing.

I'm watching 50/50 now, and it's not really improving my mood.

Let's get ready to put this week behind us. Weekend celebrations are approaching. Bring it on.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...