Monday, 8 October 2012


It's official, I've gone mad... 

I was just in the kitchen prancing around saying 'Does she like me, does she not? What am I doing? Ignore her, ignore her, ignore her! Do I need a banana?' And then I thought about asking her whether she wants me there on Saturday or not, drinking, merrymaking (or at least trying to do all of the above).

I definitely got out of the wrong side of the bed today. Job applications were completed and sent away, comic strips were written and drawn, I've been watching House Season 7, and everything has just flown by. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I care too much I think. And that's why it matters, to me at least. The more everyone says ignore her, forget her, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a stupid situation. You might think it's a stupid situation you might think she's being mean, but weeks ago she said that she was going to do this, and it would be for my own good. 

She said she wasn't doing this to be mean. 

But I fear that it's not worked for my own good, and it's definitely not worked if this was to help us in the long-term. If she was doing this to get out, then that's also not working. Is it wrong that I'm determined she's not getting out of this that easy. 

I don't know what's going to happen, and Wodge don't worry about the difficult questions, they need to be asked. I can't see the future, but I wish I could. 

I can honestly say that I've not felt this way about anyone before. But I can also say that I don't know whether these feelings will go away or not (the difficult question answered a bit more roundly). It's the follow the heart conundrum. I aim to be happy, and just be comfortable. 

I apply for jobs I'm not likely to get because they are writing jobs, and I don't have enough real-world writing experience. I'm afraid of other employment because I have a stupid thing saying 'this isn't what you want' in the back of my head (but I apply for them anyway, I'm not that stupid).

Okay, I am being stupid - but if she's ignoring me, why has she started 'liking' almost all of my Facebook things for the past week? Why did she respond to the text? Why am I still going on about this?!

Secretly, for the past 3 months I've been hoping that she's been reading these. I've been hoping that she's been thinking, at length, about everything I've been thinking about. I hope, I hope, I hope, and I suppose that's the one thing that got me into this whole mess (I think)...hope.

In all honesty, I don't care whether HB and I are going to be a couple or not. The one thing I do care about is whether HB and I are best friends. I doubt anything will be the same. I know, that I have feelings, she knows I have feelings, were we just too comfortable?

I don't want to factor in anyone else, because anyone else shouldn't matter in the equation. This is my problem, and I'm very thankful for you all trying to help me with it. But for now I'm either saying, why now? Or stop reading into it. See I told you I was mad.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

No comments:

Post a Comment