So, I know this is my third post today, but I just wanted to continue a line of thought that has seemingly plagued me all day...
Why would she invite me if she didn't want me there? Why would she even invite me if she was ignoring me?
I think she doesn't want to upset the balance, as much as it has already been upset. Or could it actually be, that she wants me there? I don't think either of us has celebrated the other's birthday without one and other for the last four years, so I suppose you could blame it on routine. Oh I don't know...
I have a theory. I will admit, in September, I did send HB a message that was rather sentimental and the like, basically saying that I missed her. That was the 13th (I'm being an accidental detective stalker tonight). By happy coincidence, this evening, I was reading through HB's back-log of work and I stumbled upon something that I thought was really very beautiful - you might have read it already, but if not, it's linked HERE.
But anyway, this evening, because I might be reading into things, I re-read the description, and then read the comment that wasn't mine (I hadn't seen it before).
The piece description went like this:
"Inspiration comes in short bouts, but i wanted to write. I felt that i needed to put some words to paper. Words are so powerful, emotional, destructive.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
Trying to look forwards to something. But there is something so hollow about a few seconds from now. Something that lacks mystery, lacks power. Perhaps, someday, we will find our way again."
And the comment was this:
"Wow, I'm not sure I've read much of your stuff like this. I don't know if there's more, but if there has been, it's been a long time since I've read any of it. But this was very emotional, because I feel like I can truly relate. Hopefully things will start looking more up for you love. I got ya. "
It made me question what she was thinking about, and as it was posted on the 17th, only 4 days after my heart-felt message, I'm thinking I know what she was thinking - obviously I can't prove it, but that's where my mind is at this evening. I know that she cares, even though she says she doesn't. She has her reasons, and she's stubborn. Things will work out for the better I think.
Either way, at the moment, I'm slightly hopeful for this weekend's jollities. All the anxiety attacks, the weeks in bed, in silence, and all the loneliness, might come to a head, I might get some answers (whether I like them or not), I might get some closure...
Tell me to shut I because I'm being a mental. Hopefully, if I finally get a good night's sleep (it was a nice sleep at yours Tag, but I still had complex dreams), I'll wake up completely fine tomorrow, and my madness will have subsided considerably.
This mad man will be getting on with something less mental now, so Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...