Sunday, 16 September 2012

I'm So Angry!...

*TAG - if you feel that I'm talking rubbish, going too far, or too personal, etc. then please, ignore your mission. People don't need to know if I'm just going to alienate everyone - things don't need to get worse.*

*Also, please don't take any of this seriously, I'm sure I'll feel quite differently about everything tomorrow, and something new the next day. That is how rubbish I'm being at the moment.*

Okay, so I don't know whether I actually know that/feel that, but I'm definitely getting certain levels of anger every now and then, and that's only when I think about my friends and this situation.

Right, let me get something straight, it's not all of you, TechSanity you can definitely rule yourself out of this list because you were very useful a few blogs ago - so thank you :) (also, saying that, I'm not sure how much you know/don't know, so I'll leave it at that.)

No, the friends know who they are, and you probably do as well, and I am angry at them, but not in a bad way.

Question: Does anyone actually talk to anyone anymore?!

I'm under the impression that no, no one seems to. Dark Horse talks to HB daily, or so Pill likes to remind me every single time I see him. Pill doesn't seem to give two shits about any of this. And Tag and Cherrybelly, well Tag talks to me and so does Cherrybelly on occasion.

Have I got that about right? I mean, I presume Pill talks to Dark Horse all the time as well, but that was a given. And the same can be said for Tag and Cherrybelly. 

But why is there a divide in communication? 

It's like I've always said to HB, during our pleasant times, 'even if something happened between us now (bearing in mind we've never gone out) it would affect everyone.' - well that was my counter-argument to her argument at people should stop dating in 'The Group'.

Anyway, getting a bit sidetracked.

I'm angry, and I know I shouldn't be, because I say I'm angry at everyone, I'm angry at my friends, I'm angry at her (I'm not angry at you TechSanity as we've already discussed. Perhaps we should go for a pint sometime down the local. Or would that be weird? - anyway) I'm actually angry at myself. 

But I know I'm not solely to blame. I'm not the only person in this equation, and you should all know it. Stop choosing sides. You always used to treat me and she like a couple, now start talking about us behind our backs. Start communicating for Christ-sake! - or at least act like you are if you've always been communicating. 

That is the one problem we've all always had. No one ever talks to anyone else. Have you ever thought that someone has told someone else something in confidence, but the other person should know what that person should have said? (Now, I'm gonna exclude you Pill, because you've done this before and I'm grateful - even though I didn't believe you, and I kinda still don't.)

And don't any of you dare to give me any of the Bullshit that she doesn't care. She wouldn't be actively ignoring me and keeping her distance if she didn't. And for another thing, if she didn't care, then why the Fuck did she keep me around for so long? Why did she keep suggesting we do things? Why did she agree to work with me on creating a Creative Writing course for her volunteering? Why the fuck are we going on holiday if she's always thought like that?

I know the issue, don't tell me that either, I need to know what I did to start it. It's been 2 months for Fuck-sake, and I still don't know how it started.

And Pill, I remember why I was asking her 'Why?' when she was sat next to me, I was asking her 'Why she was crying.' And if you're thinking, 'no you weren't' then I can tell you I can't, remember any other reason of asking her why. And if you really think that I'm that pathetic to say 'Why don't you like me?' or 'Why won't you go out with me?' then it appears that you don't know me at all.

I knew she liked me, but not in that way, I knew we were great friends, without a hint of 'this could happen', I knew it all, so stop telling me things you were saying in all of first and second years to me.

On that evening in question we were obviously both holding a lot of past mistakes and we had both had too much Rum. But it's been 2 months in the dark, something's got to give otherwise this holiday isn't going to be as fun or enjoyable as any of us want it to be. And Pill don't give me that crap about Dark Horse and HB just going off and doing things by themselves if things turn a little awkward. I'm sure anything they want to go do, we all want to go fucking do. Got it?

There's so much anger and sadness in me that I just hate everything today. I managed to tear up a few CVs and applications, I've now got to go re-do them, I've punched a hole in my wardrobe. And I've bruised my fists on the wall in the hallway - all while writing this on and off, cooking a Sunday Roast, and trying to ignore everything.

It's difficult to find my happy place today. And I'm sorry for the swearing, and the anger, and everything I've just said. I'm feeling it all, and my head keeps playing games with me. I just want to stay quiet, and not talk to anyone or anything from no on. What good can come from me talking? Look at what I've done, it's all in ruins. I'll just stick to writing.

I love you all, and don't think that I hate any of you. I hate myself. And I'm angry because of it.

So, your mission should you choose to accept it:

Tag - make sure Cherrybelly, Pill, and Dark Horse read this, and you guys start talking.

Pill - Stop not caring about anything. Every time we see each other you seem to press for details, and then you act all aloof and not-bothered by anything.

Dark Horse - don't choose sides. That's perhaps the most unhelpful thing. Don't treat us differently, unless you know something that we (I) don't. Don't choose a side unless you know it's a forgone conclusion. And if it is, then why the Fuck are we still pretending?

Cherrybelly - keep smiling.

And if you come to the conclusion that nothing can be done. This thing can't be resolved then by all means tell me and watch as I segregate myself from everything and everyone, and slowly disappear as I runaway.

I know you're all very busy with work and life and love and everything, but I just want you to know, that on top of all those stresses, I'd like you to start seeing that your friends need help, and they're probably not going to resolve any issues without persuasion, and alcohol.

We don't need to shake hands and say we're sorry, we don't need to kiss and make-up, we need to hug, talk, and cry about this...

I know it sounds like bullshit, but I've been strong and caring for too long, and everything's just falling apart in front of me. I can't keep ignoring it. 

And I'm not going to saying Carpe diem today - I really don't feel like it. The day can go fuck itself for all I care.

Until next time...

P.S. I hope I'm happier in my next post.

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