I Feel Used...

Yep, it's one of those posts...

As you know, mainly because I keep bringing this up, HB and I are still in some sort of situation...apparently. She might have moved on, but I'm still here wondering why and how? WTF happened?

She still doesn't return texts, which is especially difficult as we were arranging lifts to the airport with each other's parents. I'm quite surprised that she didn't say to me that her Dad was giving her a lift, and left it at that. I don't know, it's a month away, everyone's busy as hell - myself included - and I just don't hangout with anyone anymore. 

Uni life was great, I was living with friends, and we got to hangout every single day, and since then the only times that feeling has reoccurred have been when visiting said friends or when HB invited me over or came over mine for days at a time.

Am I being stupid or is this whole thing a little odd?

If she had those feelings before the events of the night I can't remember, then she never told me about them. She always called me her Best Friend, and everything, but now when we occasionally talk, because we're in the same place, it always seems a bit hollow and fake. 

Has anyone else noticed?

I finally twigged the other day, when I was over Pill's a while back I said that I felt used, but I couldn't explain why, and then when I was over Cherrybelly's and Tags a while later, Cherrybelly used the word 'used' as well. Was I being used the whole time? Was there nothing really there from her point of view? She always called herself a bitch, but I never believed it, I still don't.

...FYI I have quite a high bitch standard, and HB never even got on the scale...

Was she just using me for companionship until someone else came along or something? Well, as you might remember from a few posts ago, and I know you're reading this religiously because I recently surpassed 3000 views on this blog (YAY me), I had the pleasure of playing Borderlands 2 with her on the weekend. She had invited everyone else, and it was just happenstance that she and I were the only two to have the game, and were thus placed together by the offer. Anyway, that seemed nice enough.

A few days later she even sent me a message on Xbox saying 'help :(' and I was a few levels higher, and assisted her, stopping my own game.

I had a bit of a busy week, and I was unable to play the game a bit, but I discovered yesterday, that I needed some assistance, and invited her to join my party - that was Xbox talk right there. A few deaths later, still nothing, so I did it a final time, and I was still met with silence.

Mixed messages, double standards, the whole shabang. Anyway, I plodded along and eventually overcame my hardship, and was invited to help GG's counterpart complete a few missions as well.

But I don't know, what do you think I should do? Tag's apologise idea, went down the toilet months ago, and it was particularly hard hitting when you find that you don't know what you're apologising for, and when you realise that you're apologising for liking her it seems very stupid.

I can't help it can I, so suggestions are very much welcome. We go to Venice in November. You have your time limit.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

The First Steps...

Well this has been a long time coming...

If you've been following this erratically posted blog for a while, you will know that I'm quite an emotionally unstable person, even though I might not show it in person (I don't know, do I?). Either way, you may also know that I am, I have been, or I was smitten with HB Sauce - a little time travelling gag for you there TAG.

Anyway, over the last over-a-month I've gone through a tremendous amount of emotions, ranging from silence, upset, and miserable, to anger, frustration, and confusion. I've been angry at the world, angry at her, angry at myself, and I don't think I was angry for any of the reasons you're thinking...

As you know, I'm as emotionally stunted as a teenager with a crush pituitary gland, though they're also physically stunted, but meh. And that might come from my inexperience in anything like that. I'm a friend person, I have more friends than many people think I should I. I don't know why, but that's, in turn, always made me a happier person, or a happy, jolly person that you always consider me to be. I don't know whether that's because I insist on wearing the Santa suit at Christmas, or just because I'm fat, but meh again.

But the bottom line is, I think I was angry at the world for trying to know my business, all of the time, I was angry at her for dropping me in Lonelyville (population 1) and making me feel like an outcast with my friends, and making feel replaced I suppose. And I was angry at myself for thinking all of the above, and even doing something I have no memory of. I might not know what it is, but it's affect has been so dramatic and hard felt that I regret it. 

So here's me making my first proper steps towards my bridge building process. I was going to bring up something last week when I dropped HB home after TAG's birthday events. I didn't because it was such I nice time, I didn't want it to ruin anything. It was like nothing had happened, even though we knew that something had. 

Now I've just text her to see if she wanted to get a Cold Coffee later, so I can admit that I 'Fucked Up' and that 'I know I've had chances, and I don't expect any more. But I want, more than anything, to just be your friend again.' And if she doesn't then I'm going to have to live with her decision, because I've hurt us both enough by now, and enough is enough.

She just text back saying that she's busy...at least she text back - Round 1 to me XD

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Real Magic, is so very nearly done. And so very nearly sent away to Publishers and Agents. I'm gonna have to find something else to distract myself with - Minecraft, cleaning, and cooking don't seem to cut it.

High Fidelity Style...

Okay, so I realise that I'm not very good at this whole daily blog thing, but I might not be able to write about my day very well, but I can write about what's going on in my head...

I know, a very dangerous place to be, but I'll give it a go.

I used to watch RomComs for the endorphins, the rush of happiness to top the happiness levels that I was already consuming. I suppose that's a bit greedy of me. But now, I've started to try and learn from them, how to apologise, how to get things back to normal, or maybe even better than normal.

I know I'm conning myself, but I thought I'd just let you know perhaps the Top 5 best ways - in the only way High Fidelity could do it. And then you can vote on it and we'll have a whole competition thing, and then I don't know, perhaps you could all dare me to do the one we vote on or something...

I know you're thinking this is a bad idea, but like I've said before, it's better that it gets written here than actually floating around in my head for the foreseeable future making me less mental.

#5 - 10 Things I Hate About You

Nothing says I love you better than most musicians. Though saying that, they're also quite good at singing about death and making it sound beautiful too, hmm...so why not buy her a musical instrument? Causing endless moments of 'do you remember the time's and apparent poetry.

#4 -How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Because you know she's lying to you and she knows that she's lying to you, so you should probably confront her about it before she disappears to Washington and out of your life. This also goes back to the running away from something thing I was talking about in a previous blog - you've gotta stick it out and see what's on the other side.

#3 - Failure to Launch

Get your friends to tie you up and lock you in a room with the person you're arguing with, without your consent and see what happens. As this is a movie I'm glad things worked out, because if they didn't then I'm sure it wouldn't have made the Top 5.

#2 - When Harry Met Sally

Big soppy, spontaneous and yet strangely scripted speeches are always the way to go aren't they? I don't know, and if that doesn't help, then I'm sure New Year's Eve is the perfect time of year. But I'm sure big speeches work all the time.

#1 - Just Friends

Or the truth. I don't think Ryan Reynolds can say it any honester than that. You've just go to have charisma, charm, and wit. And looking like Ryan Reynolds wouldn't hurt your chances either. Is it the be yourself thing? First you've got to find out who you are I suppose.

So that's my Top 5 - do you agree? Let me know in the comments, and I might High Fidelity a few more things a few more times, some other time.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...