Brain The Size Of A Planet, And Here I Am Blogging...

I'm two-types of toast into my day, and the trusty coffee mug sits politely by my side, begging for attention. The sun shuns itself through my window once more and unlike most sun's it is yellow, small, and has planets with life orbiting it. How cool is that?!

As I promised previously, I wouldn't have time to write a blog yesterday, however I can tell you that stuff happened and there was nothing you could do about it. Red invited us all to have spontanious drinks and food at Le Lake Poob it was nice, pleasant, and a good way to wind down the day. Upon returning home I was welcomed to a conversation about politics and inter-faith dialogue as well as a tirade of welsh vocab. Needless to say I went to bed and forgot the whole thing. 

In the morning I was left with a Mallard and a HB asleep on the living room floor, so I left them my keys and advised where they should go for breakfast; Truffles, we should go yo. And went to work and counted down the hours. For that day, was thee day, the day of Hitchhikers! There were people with hats, and people with towels, a woman/man with a blue wig who we don't like because he/she was a wave whore, and most importantly there was the show itself. A wonderful feat of entertaining entertainment. We all dressed up sexily to go see it, some of us more sexily than others, and interacted like a crowd should in a good stage play ("Oh Yes he did!")...

I think Marvin was brilliantly adapted from the forefront of our minds, Zaphod (zA-fod) started to grow on me towards the end, everyone else was as they should be, and Random was much more attractive in real-life than I remember her being on Radio. We had the guest speaker (voice of the book) Professor Sprout, with a few slip of the tongues, mispronunciations, and a tremendous amount of 'r' rolling (Trrrrraal!).

It was a good evening, and like Red said at the time, we should probably do more cultural things. Orchestra, I'm down for that. Gutted we missed the Last Night of the Proms, but then it was raining and cold, do you blame us for not going out, sitting on the Hayes, and pretending to be patriotic? 

The Christmas Lights are going to be switched on on my birthday. Note to self: this is not what I want to be doing for my birthday. 

I have completely downloaded How Long Will I Love You from About Time, and repeat is necessary, you're quite right. The long weekend calls to me, I'll just have to cling to the good nights out we've had this week. 

I have started work on completing my Real World Fiction - it's called Bute Wall. But I thought you knew that already. Where's Tag's RomCom?

I like hugs...

Carpe diem...

High Bake Off Fidelity...

Needless to say, this day off isn't really required because I've only been in work for two days, but I'll take it nonetheless, and I'll regret it if I don't, so where do I start?

Like most Tuesdays, it was an ordinary day until about Lunchtime when I connected my phone to Game's Free WiFi (shhh, they don't know we can do that from our side of the wall), and received an invite to Tag and Cherry's for bolognese and Bake Off. Who was I to refuse such a kind offer? I asked whether or not I could invite Pill (he's always going on about how he never gets invited anywhere) and I did. Thankfully, as we had already had this discussion (me and he), he couldn't come out due to time restraints, i.e. he wouldn't be able to stay for very long and therefore decided not to come.

It was no bother to me, and instead of rushing home after work to gather a few over night things, switch off my alarm clock, and other shit like that, I ran to the station straight after work, and caught the earliest train I could catch, passing Bargin Booze along the way to Number 69. I got there and drank and ate and watched RomComs and Bake Off until we all fell asleep and the cat crawled on my face a few times. 

Unfortunately it had conspired that Red couldn't make it on this occasion so we were more or less transported to the place in time that we were at almost a year ago (and that's transported mentally rather than geographically), and in that meaning I mean that we ate, sat, and watched RomComs with John Cusack in and not much else. It was even odd to note that I slept upstairs for the first time in a long while, and I think I may have kicked something I shouldn't have in my sleep. 

We watched High Fidelity and I was going to run through a few Top 5's, but I'm sure that'd bore you to death, or not, who knows. I have already written a Top 5 blog thing, a year ago when I watched High Fidelity believe it or not, maybe you could read that instead? Although, on second thoughts, and second reading, it looks like a child has written it. It's amazing to see the difference a year can make to writing style alone, among other things.

I remember being quite conscious at one point, just eyes closed, thinking about the world and stuff, all the while with a constant drip-drip-drip going on just to the left of me and a persisting thought that I was actually sleeping alone in their house. It wasn't a comfortable feeling. But then a clawing at the door meant that the demon kitty was on the prowl and that it was in fact, close to dawn.

I rose from my slumber closer to the time of day ordinary people wake up and woke the house (as always) and we were soon adventuring to the village of Cowbridge and then to Coffee at Tag's work. 

Now, it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to write a blog tomorrow morning, due to my 9-5, but I'm looking forward to a night at the Theatre with the guys, and I might actually get some writing done. Hey, look at me trying to predict the future...

Carpe diem...

Toxic Thoughts...

I figured out, quite a long time ago, that no one really ever wanted or wants to do what I want to do. Its probably why I tend not to celebrate my birthday. A day for just me? Who would want that? And that sort of thought process has probably influenced me and my personality most of all. I imagine most people view me as a pushover, someone who just does what they're told and doesn't try to rock the boat. But beneath the surface all I'm thinking about is everyone else's happiness, because if they're happy, I'll be happy, right? Well, for the most part that's true... (And I hate thinking that people aren't actually happy, and there's nothing in the world I can do to help.)

I confronted Pill last night about the Roast Dinner thing, and I asked him whether or not he thought I was living a toxic lifestyle, no commitments, just a whim and an urge to go and do things. He told me something I wasn't expecting. He said that I was a genuinely nice guy and that he didn't want people to take advantage of the generosity and kindness I'm capable of. He thinks I should never change, because the world needs genuinely nice guys, but something needs to happen, and I can't continue to go the way I'm going. But he doesn't think I live toxicly and admits that he too has taken advantage of me.

Needless to say, I was taken aback (trust Pill to give an analytical answer) and somewhat responded in a way slightly more aggressive than I wanted to. I told him I was fine with being taken advantage of because I knew it was happening, and I was fine with it, because my friends were doing it. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't be so lucky I'm sure. But after all that I can't help but think whether or not its a good thing. I know I've reasoned it to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for me? 

Another rather interesting thing happened to me yesterday too. I had a customer who read me. It was odd, after all, she only wanted a teddy bear, but read me nonetheless. And when I say read, I mean she analysed the way I spoke and came to a conclusion (or I assume she did). She suspected that I might have had a stutter when I was a child/teenager (correct) and that I thought I overcame that stutter (I have, haven't I?) but the simple pauses and elongated thoughts told her otherwise. Apparently, there's too much in my head trying to get out, and that's why half the time my sentences don't make sense or I start speaking and forget I'm doing so and stop again. She suggested I just start talking and see where that got me, get things off my chest and shit like that, and I thanked her for her advice and she bought the teddy. But like fuck am I doing that. I don't even know what I would say (lies) or to who I would say it (lies) or even why (lies). It was quite a hard hitting day to be honest...

I awkwardly met with Red in the morning to hand back a necklace she had left at mine, she was the only one in her shop, I could have stayed longer and chatted for a bit. It would have been a nice start to the day because then I was busy as soon as I started work up until about 3pm, when I realised that it was 3pm, and I hadn't sold anything, again. I miss Cherry working in town, and our subsequent Le Lake Poob meetings. The young days of our relationship together, winter to summer, and now winter is coming again (snow next month, Pill says)...

I'm getting a sort of mild case of paranoia at the moment, I'm not sure whether it's because of my mental state or because I live on Green Street, but paranoia nonetheless. I feel like everyone's talking about me, and that things are being said, planned, and done without me. I don't know. It's an odd one.

I miss the quiet calm of summer...

Carpe diem...

A Bit Of A Walk...

I love doing the most with my time, and this weekend (well Saturday) was no exception (Sunday was)...

I had already done my washing and other chores by 10am on Saturday, leaving me with nothing much to do. Pill and DarkHorse were waiting for DarkHorse's brother and they were going to go climbing, something I have no interest in (though there might be a team-builder in Boulders for work), but they invited me along to go sit in the cafe with my notebook and write a bit with a coffee. It was a nice thought, but I wanted to do something more with my day, as well as think about a few things. 

Instead, after announcing that that evening we would be dinning on Roast Dinner, I walked north through Llandaff and just beyond before coming back home, it only took a couple of hours, but the walk along the river is perhaps one of my favourites, and its really easy (flat all the way yo!). I could have gone all the way to Castell Coch but I had a dinner to cook. I saw the waterfalls at the Yacht Club, and the Swans at Hayley's Park, and the beauty of Llandaff Cathedral and its surrounding ruins. Oh my Lord, that place was like a slice of English country village, it was weird. I took my camera, and I'm sure pictures are floating around somewhere.

On the way back, I stopped at Tesco and picked up the evening's supplies and carried them the couple of miles home, sharing a laugh with a stranger at the struggle on people's faces as they tried the fitness equipment in the park. Once I returned home I started on the Banana Bread, which was very nice, and there's none of it left in this house, and then the dinner...

Pill cornered me pegging out washing in the morning, he was still undressed and he said 'you know you're not going to get anything out of doing this?' And I replied 'yes', but I don't think he understood. So he continued explaining to me what I was about to do - 'dinner for six people, from your own pocket.' But I don't think he thought I understood him. He even tried to make me not make mushrooms saying 'that's a whole other meal there, don't you know we're poor?' - I turned to him and said 'don't worry, I bought them.' I don't know why he was so against the idea. Perhaps it was because I wouldn't let him help me cook. He seemed to have a nice time. I think most people did. But I have no idea. Wine makes for loose tongues, and dinner talk can sometimes turn sour, but I enjoyed myself, and the food was good. 

And on Sunday, Pill, DarkHorse, and I watched a lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender. There's a whole abridged series for it as well. Not as good as Yu-gi-oh, but there you go...

And as for the thinking, from the walk, I've decided that I will stay with the couple and HB. The move will be cheaper, bills and everything. I've just got to see where they're thinking of moving too, and hope the walk isn't too far. What am I saying? This is Cardiff, the walk is never too far!

I've got to go now, mainly because I think I'm boring myself, which means I've probably bored the rest of you as well. It'll be better tomorrow...

Carpe diem...

P.S. Does anyone want to come #sploring with me on Wednesday?

Cause And Effect...

Yesterday was a good day. And it wasn't just a good day in the sense that nothing cataclysmically bad happened to me, there were no train derailments, or tsunamis, or alien invasions in my life yesterday, it was just an ordinary day, and yet one that made me smile more than usual. And I think that was just about it, smiling. My workmates saw it, some even pointed it out (and some even got suspicious of it). Why was I smiling? No reason, and yet every reason. And now I'm starting to sound like a rather pompous swine with nothing better to do than to watch a daffodil grow through the seasons, from life to death to re-birth. 

I can't actually remember much of what happened, apart from my workmates' suspicions. I was kindly complimented on my previous blog, I was observed by the general public as being happy with my job, and as I slept last night, or as I tried, a line or two of a poem or a song entered and twisted and simply popped into my head. I rolled over and typed this into my phone:

'When Winter Leaves and Winter Trees

Bring Summer Long to her knees,

We shall battle on, we shall battle on...'

I'm not entirely sure if those lines are good or not, and I'm not even sure if they'll come to anything. But I'm glad I wrote them down, because a few lines I've been having recently, whilst in the grips of the sleepy pathway to slumber, have been lost to the recesses of my mind, not to be recovered. 

But, as with all goodness, there's a flip side. Pill's convinced (as always) that I'm coming across as wonderfully fake, and wanted me to sit down and talk about the future again last night. DarkHorse is on about buying a house early next year, and wishes for Pill, HB, and I to move in. I can only see a handful of problems ready to occur and none of which he wishes to discuss with me. There are just two things I require from a house/flat/place I'm living in apart from the obvious ones:

1. It needs to be within walking distance of town, not really any further than half an hour. I can't rely on public transport again like I was before Christmas. So much time wasted, 10 hours a week, 40 a month, 120 over the three months I waited. I spent the equivalent of five days waiting for trains to and from work, and I don't want to have to do that, or something similar, again.
2. It needs to have somewhere green to explore. That's an obvious one, for me at least. Somewhere to get lost, and somewhere to find things you weren't expecting to find.

There are of course other things concerning me, and convincing me that moving out alone would be a better option entirely, but none more so than Pill and DarkHorse wanting me to be a part of the decision. I may live there, but in the long run, it would be their (her) first house together. Why should I get a say in where they live? And for that matter, why would they want anyone else there apart from to make it conveniently cheap?

Maybe I'm just having doubts because doubts are worth having, unless every instinct in me is saying 'this is a bad idea', I'm not sure. Cause and effect, do something and make something else happen. You make a decision, and make something else happen. And never before have Ioan Gruffudd's words made more sense (two days since viewing them). If I do this now, I have a few ideas on how it plays out, and likewise if I don't do it. It's another big decision, especially after I just got settled into our flat and everything. I've just about dulled myself to the bean related meals and subsequent flatulence from across the room, doors slamming at the 6am wake-up call, and the 'you cook, I'll clean' regime.

It's a tricky one, and it'll take some thought, but in the meantime, I've got to take every day as it comes, and be happy in the fact that tomorrow the sun will rise and that opportunities are ready to be made, found, and explored to the fullest...

Carpe diem...

Also, have you heard 'What does the Fox say yet?'...

About Time And Other Things...

I don't think I could put into words the emotions and feelings I felt last night, in fact I don't even think I want to share them with you as they were so deep and personal, as I watched Richard Curtis' new film, About Time with my nearest and dearest...

I'm not even going to tell you very much about the film, I just want you to see it, and know that when the credits rolled, I didn't go 'is that it?' I turned to Tag and said, 'I would gladly sit and watch that again right now.' And I don't think I've ever said that about a movie, ever. There are films I could watch to death, but not over and over, so well done About Time. There's just so many perfect moments, wonderfully crafted, and each as beautiful as the next, so wonderfully crafted in fact that I just want Richard Curtis to write my life from now on. I wish I was a charming, bumbling, babbling, fool, with the greatest super power in the world (yes I said it). There's only one or two instances in my life so far that I would want to do over, and do properly, and they're only in the past year. Any before then seem utterly pointless now, and I suppose that's what the movie was essentially all about. 

I know I might see the world a little differently to a lot of you. I see most things with a sense of wonder and awe, which is probably why I like wandering around so much. But it's always words I seem to stumble on. I realised after the movie, that there were questions shooting around in my head, questions I would have normally asked, and been none-the-wiser for the answer. There were things that I could have said, and chose not too, and I think at one point I was actually charming for two-minutes. 

We made our own perfect moment last night, none complained about the cold, and we barely spoke. We just looked out over the marina (mar-in-er) with a sense of adventure, accomplishment, and thoughtful reservation, cocktails in hand, wondering what was out there, and gazing at the underwater beauty only the night time could bring.

I think that might be the most perfect moment, that snippet, that we've ever had. And we have had some perfect moments together. Lounging in the back garden with wine, music, and a midsummer's evening, wandering in the park during a heavy shower, and the countless hours we have comforted and enjoyed each other's company at our favourite haunt. And I wouldn't go back and change a thing, but I would go back and relive them all.

I was even surprised to see a familiar relationship on screen, that just so happens to be one I have with my father. And I wonder, when the time comes, whether I will think 'did he love me if he didn't show it?' The answer is of course, and always will be, 'yes'. 

And before I return to my day-to-day there was something else I wanted to share with you. Something that played before the film, and something so epic, so get-up-and-go, and so tremendously brilliant that I wanted to share it to encourage me to do even better, again. (And Red, I didn't mean to insult you - if I did, you made a face - when I said 'guys, shall we go to university again?' - you were obviously included in the question.)

All in all, I want to say that last night changed my life, and has made me a better person, and I certainly hope that's true. I'll try and shut up a lot more, think about what I'm about to say, and bumble and babble through life as charmingly and as foolishly as I possibly can...

Carpe diem...

Lover of the Light...

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step

And relent

You forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way

Shake the excess

Red, welcome to the Folkier side of Rock! We'll get you hooked to Of Monsters and Men next (for the lolz)...

Did I just say that?!

I had a good day yesterday. There were some good customers, and some bad ones, but the good ones were so good that they were able to keep by mood upbeat. There were only three of them, two of which I remember. The first being an Aussie couple I got to talk Doctor Who to. And the second who chatted to me about the world, and life, and writing. Don't give up, accept rejection, and work for it. And if you die with a hundred manuscripts to your name, remember that your relatives will be able to benefit from them after you're gone, you'll be forgotten, but they'll be rich and famous because of you. A sort of happy thought I suppose. He also suggested glory printing, but I'm not too sure about that - but thanks Alun for your kind words, and I agree, I'm not too old for Fantasy!...

In other news, I feel like we haven't been hanging out a lot recently, and I know that's an entire lie. It's this current pattern of a 5-day week, where you guys all have days off during the week, that's throwing me off. And we haven't had a Sunday in a while - and I don't think I can do one until the end of the month (ARGH!). Saturday nights perhaps? Real food, a late start in the morning because it's Sunday, and just the four of us again. Either way, I'm talking bollocks, because I saw all of you last week, Red came over on the weekend, and we're going cinema'ring tonight. And like I told Red when she wrote:

'Anyway, the point is, I keep feeling horrible, then a good song comes on and I tell myself to just deal with it and be happy (for fucks sake), and repeat. Does that make me strong or weak? I'll tell you what it does make me: an overthinker. A classic fucking overthinker.'

That's how everyone feels when they're lonely, right? I know I do. I drown myself in music, I don't feed myself, because quite frankly, I cook too much food, mainly for groups of people. And don't start telling me to cook and save some. Having the same thing every day might bore me. I'm going to start doing the second stage of Spartacus at the end of the week, and I think it might kill me.

I haven't been drunk in a while. And I really want a Milkshake. Conflicting oddness, I'm sure. Banana Milkshake, with a hit of Vanilla. Oooo a Cowpots. Pill was an arse yesterday suggesting that, and all the places and things I couldn't have or get access too this week, or this month for that matter.

Either way, I'm being a moron, and I'm looking forward to seeing you guys later. And I saw something on Facebook earlier, that made me sort of happy. It's a 25-year-old's advice on being 25. And as I'm still a whole year and a bit away from that - but here it is - and I hope you like it.

Carpe diem...