You're A Pansy...

The other day I twatted something I'm not ashamed to twat, but yesterday I sort of broke-down, which was something I was planning on not doing. The twat read:

Alone for the next four nights, come on. No breakdowns this time!

And I only managed two nights. God damn it I'm rubbish (I'm sure it'd be different if Pill were here though). My main thought process occurred during daily commitments and then they built up one on top of the other until Point 1. didn't equal Point 2. it equaled Point 48. and then the whole tower came tumbling down and shit had to happen or else. 

I even learned about the etiquette of pouring boiling water onto tea or coffee, and even that wasn't a distraction enough for me to send out the WhatsApp: 'Drinks?' request. 

Gladly, they all obliged and we hungout in the pub as per usu (is it with an 'e'? It's pronounced like 'huge' but without the 'h'), and talked about the weekend, the future, Frank Turner in concert (I don't even think I care about the prices), Christmas, and ultimately had fun. Much more fun than time spent at mine on Friday. We also learned a lot more about each other's past, Tag's inappropriate questions, Cherry and I swapped Grandparent situations, I got Cherry to slap me a few times, and Red told us sizes, whens, and who's (you hear that guys, we know. For shame)...

Tag told the barmaid that he'd see her Stormtroopers (euphemism intended) and she got very concerned. I agreed, as she had shown us her Stormtooper tattoos on either shoulder on a previous occasion at the establishment. She didn't seem to appreciate the comment, and we did have a different barmaid for the rest of the night (I wonder if that had anything to do with it). 

Either way, I'm very glad drinks happened. I couldn't actually remember when I had last had a drink - but it would have been for a workmate's birthday last weekend or so ago. It looks like I've managed to cut down on the booze, and I got a little drunk after only two. Not very drunk, just enough to make me talk better and become unable to stand a lot. Which made cooking my Stir-fry, when I got in, fun. There's still plenty for lunch and dinner, and look I'm all better.

I know I shouldn't do what I did. And I know I don't actually have anything in the world to worry about, actually that last bit's a little bit of a lie. Jobs, Money, Bills, they're all things to worry about, the state of the damp, have we left it too long to do anything about it, do I care enough, blah blah blah, and they're just a snippet of the worries that occur daily in my head. But like I was saying, I know I shouldn't worry, and I know I've gone weeks without seeing anyone, but hey - I'm glad you guys are there for me. 

Now I feel like I should name all the women I've fancied in the past just to keep with the trends, but I feel like my list would be wonderfully insignificant and boring, so I might not do that. Who knows...

Today is a brighter day, and I'm not going to have any problems. Stir-fry for dinner...

Carpe diem...

Things That Were, And Things That Aren't...

Your past is behind you, and there's simply nothing you can do about it. When the world turns it's back on you, you turn your back on the world!...once said a very clever meerkat.

Yesterday, after some difficulty, I finally managed to arrange a table and a sort of plan for Saturday, when Wodge and her OH will be arriving in the Diff to spend time with the others and I. Though during the process Pill started speaking to me about feels again, and he generally thinks that I shouldn't keep anything in (health issues or something).

He said to me something along the lines of: 'you've had a very stressful few weeks, there have been some big changes. Are you okay?'

And I turned around and looked at him and said, 'yeah, I think I am.' I obviously said that everything with work was sorting itself out, and there's nothing to worry about, and that was about it. And then he brought up a few things that I really didn't care about, and nor was it my business to. I don't think that most people grasped the concept of change. I think I'm a better version of me, than I was a year ago, I know for a fact that I'm a different person. 

I am under no illusions or stuck in an fantasies, I'm much stronger and fitter, and I'm more outgoing and adventurous. I have next to no unhealthy relationships, except perhaps with cream cakes and alcohol (not together obviously). And I really don't like it when people are worried about me, I like to know they care, but not worried (if you understand me, I know I can be confusing sometimes...most of the time). 

You should never worry about me. I walk around this town as if I'm the alpha male! I'm the big dog here, and everyone else who doesn't know me should be afraid. Or that's the sort of thinking I want most people to have, in truth, I don't see anyone as a threat, I treat all with equality (which mostly consists of equal amounts of loathing and benefit of the doubt).

The past is the past, I can't go back and change it now. I know I've thought about it, but I've actually got to that point (well, I reached the point ages ago) where those things just don't seem to matter anymore. Past relationships, traumas, fights, the mugging. All of it gone.

And now there's just me...

Carpe diem...

Oh, and I'm not sure where I was going with that whole third person detective narrative thing. It was fun at the time. Maybe I'll pick it up again soon.