Everyday? Aww Man...

After being told I should probably write this every day to try and help me remember stuff, here I am 6-days later writing this after I remembered what TAG said about it and record keeping.

And it particularly difficult to write this because I know, and you do, the way I'm feeling right  now. It came as a great shock to me on Sunday when I went to a Pub Quiz with my home friends (we came 3rd if you were wondering) and I discovered that they, or at least some of them, read this - so hello to you, I'm very grateful everyone's getting the message, or at least some of you.

To be honest, at the moment, I feel like the most miserable s.o.b. out there. I know I'm not, but I feel like it. I wake up angry and sad, I go to bed angry and sad and I spend my days keeping my mind busy ignoring the issue as best I can. That would be really good if I wasn't then distracted from the tasks that I wanted to do to distract me by the situation at hand. 

I've lost all appetite for everything: Xbox, movies, alcohol, writing, reading, drawing, cooking, everything, life, blah, blah, blah.

I know everyone knows, I know they can tell. Some people have even started treating me differently and choosing sides. They're treating it like a break-up, as far as I know this isn't a break-up, it can't be, we weren't going out. Some of them are just being so fake, I don't know why, it's weird. Pill is the worst for it at the moment. I think he's the only one who knows both sides of the story, or most of it for the most part.

It's weird. TAG's being the one who's being the most honest at the moment.

Oh, I don't know what to say, I never know what to say or how to say it. I suppose that's why I'm in this situation.

The prospect of running away is always at the forefront of my mind. Just packing a bag and disappearing. Getting lost and coming back a different person, is such a good plan. I hate myself, I've always hated myself. How I am, how I look, the only thing I like is my writing, and that's not even good.

I'm polishing up Real Magic now, that's going to be good, it's going to be very good, and popular.

My Prince's Trust Mentor psycho-analyses me every time I see him. His first inclining of my psyche was that I was trying to get away from something from life perhaps (bearing in mind this was all before the incident) his advice to me was that I should stop running, because I can't out run life. The second time he met me he could see that I was obviously suffering from this incident, and he saw that I was feeling a lot of rejection this month...

...no one wants to employ me, HB doesn't want to see/speak to me, the BBC didn't like my script, and everyone else (for the most part) is acting weird around me...

I'm an outcast at the moment. Just floating through life.

My Job Centre Adviser has every hope in me, she's brilliant as well. It's odd, but the Prince's Trust and the Job Centre have inadvertently listened to me and asked me questions allowing me to see how to proceed.

I love my friends, but they might be a little close to the situation to try and help. Pill says talk, it's good to talk - no, I didn't want to talk, I still don't want to talk - not about this, not to anyone else but her. It's our business, and it's too public. And TAG, he didn't ask anything, and I didn't want to say anything, but I don't know what it is about him, but I opened up, I told him everything Pill pried from me.

He was a listener, he took it all in, and I'm glad for it. I really am, I'm glad for all of them, except maybe Dark Horse who has chosen to not treat me as a friend as I think she's already 'chosen her side'. 

I've had enough. I'm not going to run any more. I'm going to be as stubborn as ever, but in the other way. I will not stop until we've discussed this. I'm not going to just roll over and scream at nothing again. I'm going to fix this, and we will be friends again - I admit that we might not be as close as we were - but we're going to become close again.

I've had enough, I'm not going to stop until I've stopped feeling like this. 

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers!...

P.S. Btw, that was a positive blog. Not bad, not bad.

P.S.S. Advice for my friends - or at least friends who know both me and HB - watch 'Failure to Launch', it's on Netflix at the moment - it might give you a few ideas...

Employment And Other Things...

Well I think the news has gotten out now, mainly because I told everyone in the last blog, but I did actually reject - in a very roundabout way - my first job opportunity...

Well I say it's my first job opportunity, my first job was offered to me when I was seventeen, by a shopkeeper who I was friends with. But more on that on another occasion I think. As you all know, I rejected the job offer at the Call Centre.

And just as I thought I had closed the door of employment for the time being, it leaked in through the window. Because we all know that employment can be seen as a very wet thing, perhaps a storm, in this on-going metaphor of my life. What do you think?

Anyway, after rejecting, in a roundabout way, a job I really didn't want to do, I managed to acquire myself a work experience position in a local publishing house, and if that wasn't enough I also managed to spark up a meeting between me and a local editorial group - I know what you're all thinking, it doesn't pay the bills. No, you're right there, they really don't pay the bills, but they're all real-world experience in a world I want to be a part of.

I was having a conversation with HB and her Cousin yesterday, and they're both fed up of the jobs they have, and just want to get to the careers they, we, and I deserve. We didn't all work for those bloody degrees to work on Customer Service until we're in our late twenties.

I think the problem with me is that I'm just ambitious and a dreamer, waiting for the world to make sense to me, and serve itself up on a plate of silver and gold. And now I know why we came up with the term 'silver platter'.

Anyway, I just wrote on Twitter (@BigTomAjax) that this and Disney films were obviously the cheapest form of therapy, so let's get on with that therapy business.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney film, it's not the best one, but it is my favorite. I just told someone that, much to their surprise. So without further ado, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure, that I welcome you tonight - as we analyse which of the characters I would probably suit the best.

I don't think I'm either of the male leads, I'm not as much of a meat head as Gaston, and I don't have Beast's rugged charm (otherwise I'm sure I would have already won over Beauty and be living happily ever after until death in our grand French Enchanted Castle with a staff of hundreds). Nor am I the female protagonist, I'm smart, but I'm not that smart.

As for supporting roles, I'm not Codsworth, Chip, Mrs Potts, or the simply handsome and irresistible Lumiere. And nor am I Belle's Father - that would be wrong as I quite fancy Belle.

In actual fact I think I'm more the trusted, loyal, and brave in the face of danger, but completely willing to run away from danger trying to save the ones I love Phillippe - and if you were wondering, yes that's the Horse.

Though of course being Phillippe I have the aspirations of becoming the Beast, and all his might, bravery, and getting-the-girlness. Would you believe that? What do you think?

Well there we are then, if I'm a little shorter with women, then I'm sure I'll make some ground somewhere. Now don't read into this next bit, because it's been going on in my head all evening, so I thought I should get it down on paper and make the voices stop. And like I say, this is cheap therapy. I wonder if something good will span from this next bit, but just ignore it and skip to the end if it's boring...

W:

Are you not talking to me?

M:

I'm trying to ignore you.

W:

Why?

M:

Because I like you.

W:

That doesn't make any sense.

M:

It does to me. It hurts me every day knowing that I like you but you don't like me, all because of my mistakes.

W:

I never said I didn't like you, and would you stop bringing up those 'mistakes'. You always do this when you're drunk.

M:

I love you. Is that what you want to hear?

W:

No.

M:

I know, I had my chance and I should leave it. But when something feels so right it's that much harder to leave behind.

W:

Don't do this to yourself.

M:

Everyone already thinks we're going out. My parents, your parents, our friends, your friends, my friends. Everyone, even strangers. Everyone knows, apart from us.

W:

Please stop. I don't want History to repeat itself.

M:

But that's all History does. Repeat and repeat until something changes for good or...

W:

Yes, or... I don't want to hurt like that again.

M:

I can promise you won't ever hurt again.

W:

No you can't, but I like that you care. But enough's enough.

M:

No it's not. Not for me. And I'm sure that's what you keep telling yourself to stop yourself from doing this.

W:

Please stop this.

And I think I should stop there because the voices in my head are starting to sound a bit teary. I don't know what that'll turn out to be. Maybe a superb play/musical. Oh I'm the queerest straight man from these parts you'll ever meet. But I try. That's enough talking for the moment I think.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...