Thursday, 23 August 2012

Everyday? Aww Man...

After being told I should probably write this every day to try and help me remember stuff, here I am 6-days later writing this after I remembered what TAG said about it and record keeping.

And it particularly difficult to write this because I know, and you do, the way I'm feeling right  now. It came as a great shock to me on Sunday when I went to a Pub Quiz with my home friends (we came 3rd if you were wondering) and I discovered that they, or at least some of them, read this - so hello to you, I'm very grateful everyone's getting the message, or at least some of you.

To be honest, at the moment, I feel like the most miserable s.o.b. out there. I know I'm not, but I feel like it. I wake up angry and sad, I go to bed angry and sad and I spend my days keeping my mind busy ignoring the issue as best I can. That would be really good if I wasn't then distracted from the tasks that I wanted to do to distract me by the situation at hand. 

I've lost all appetite for everything: Xbox, movies, alcohol, writing, reading, drawing, cooking, everything, life, blah, blah, blah.

I know everyone knows, I know they can tell. Some people have even started treating me differently and choosing sides. They're treating it like a break-up, as far as I know this isn't a break-up, it can't be, we weren't going out. Some of them are just being so fake, I don't know why, it's weird. Pill is the worst for it at the moment. I think he's the only one who knows both sides of the story, or most of it for the most part.

It's weird. TAG's being the one who's being the most honest at the moment.

Oh, I don't know what to say, I never know what to say or how to say it. I suppose that's why I'm in this situation.

The prospect of running away is always at the forefront of my mind. Just packing a bag and disappearing. Getting lost and coming back a different person, is such a good plan. I hate myself, I've always hated myself. How I am, how I look, the only thing I like is my writing, and that's not even good.

I'm polishing up Real Magic now, that's going to be good, it's going to be very good, and popular.

My Prince's Trust Mentor psycho-analyses me every time I see him. His first inclining of my psyche was that I was trying to get away from something from life perhaps (bearing in mind this was all before the incident) his advice to me was that I should stop running, because I can't out run life. The second time he met me he could see that I was obviously suffering from this incident, and he saw that I was feeling a lot of rejection this month... one wants to employ me, HB doesn't want to see/speak to me, the BBC didn't like my script, and everyone else (for the most part) is acting weird around me...

I'm an outcast at the moment. Just floating through life.

My Job Centre Adviser has every hope in me, she's brilliant as well. It's odd, but the Prince's Trust and the Job Centre have inadvertently listened to me and asked me questions allowing me to see how to proceed.

I love my friends, but they might be a little close to the situation to try and help. Pill says talk, it's good to talk - no, I didn't want to talk, I still don't want to talk - not about this, not to anyone else but her. It's our business, and it's too public. And TAG, he didn't ask anything, and I didn't want to say anything, but I don't know what it is about him, but I opened up, I told him everything Pill pried from me.

He was a listener, he took it all in, and I'm glad for it. I really am, I'm glad for all of them, except maybe Dark Horse who has chosen to not treat me as a friend as I think she's already 'chosen her side'. 

I've had enough. I'm not going to run any more. I'm going to be as stubborn as ever, but in the other way. I will not stop until we've discussed this. I'm not going to just roll over and scream at nothing again. I'm going to fix this, and we will be friends again - I admit that we might not be as close as we were - but we're going to become close again.

I've had enough, I'm not going to stop until I've stopped feeling like this. 

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers!...

P.S. Btw, that was a positive blog. Not bad, not bad.

P.S.S. Advice for my friends - or at least friends who know both me and HB - watch 'Failure to Launch', it's on Netflix at the moment - it might give you a few ideas...

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