Okay I Admit It...

I am Thomas Edward Ajax-Lewis, and I have depression...

It took me so long to write that earlier, on actual paper. I was avoiding the topic with filler sentences in a journal I've started to get all the bad thoughts and everything out of my head. This used to be the place where I vented, but the thoughts have been getting darker and darker for a few years now. I wouldn't want to do that to you.

So why am I telling you all this now? Truthfully, I thought it was actually time to start speaking about it. I've probably been quite upset for a while now. Even before Uni. It might have had something to do with me being a very angry child. I was diagnosed in the summer after first year. My nine week headache was a symptom disabling me from getting up on some days, making me angry and intolerable on others. But when I returned to Uni it disappeared. It was all in my head after all. But really the reason I'm talking about this now, is that I watched a video on Facebook earlier...

And while watching it, I was in tears, I wasn't sure why I reacted so emotionally to it, but I think it might have been because I related to most things that kindly voice was saying. I keep saying that everyone has off days, and I've been having a lot of off days recently. As much as my job makes me smile, I'm only really smiling when I'm with my friends. My workmates can tell when I'm having a quiet day, they tell me that I have sad eyes. So, its now time. Enough is enough. I'm sick of the dark thoughts, the thoughts that make me angry at people for no reason, the thoughts that send me loopy. This is the reason why I can't spend anytime by myself doing nothing. I am the worst person I know, and my mind knows it. But it's okay. If I talk about it, and keep on top of it, I'm doing something about it. Right?

I think my Mother already knows. And she's probably known all along. From a few months ago, to last Summer, to beyond that. She worries, as do I, and I'm thankful that she's concerned and misses me. And I'm thankful for all the love I have in the world, from all of you my nearest and dearest, to my most distant and pally. I am luckier than most, and I've just got to keep remembering that. I admit I'm not the most interesting at times, or chatty, and I can be wonderfully annoying, but social interaction seems to be the best way for me to combat this. Or at least keep it at bay. And whether that means drinks, or a casual text, then so be it.

My mind rested for the first time in a long while after a text conversation I had with Tag yesterday morning. Just checking in, and chatting for the hell of chatting. Having grown up in an unhappy neighbourhood and town for that matter, I'm thankful for my family, although I know depression has touched their lives as well. I found out recently that both Mum and Dad have suffered at one time or another. Dad's Best Friend killed himself 23 years ago. 3 of my childhood friends have suffered with it, and one of them killed themselves. You can't dwell on the past, or family history, you've just got to focus on the now and the future. The Dog Days Are Over as it were. 

I don't want to tell you everything, because I'm sure we would all be here for a bloody long time, so I'll leave it at that. And I just wanted to let you know that I love you all (you know who you are), and Carpe diem you beautiful people!...