You know what? I'm actually really fed up of being Single.
Though, you know, I've tried so many times to get girl friends, and screwed it up that many times, so I suppose I don't actually deserve one.
It's quite sad really, a single life style, single food, single work, single life, single life, single life!
I completely fucked up my relationship with a certain someone over the summer (6th July), and have been trying to repair the damage I did since then. I don't know what to do, I've never been in a relationship. I've never tried to properly do this stuff, though I did this time around which is upsetting.
Perhaps I'm never meant to be with anyone.
But I went and opened my big mouth on that day, the evening of that day, and I have been wondering why I would ever say such a thing, ever!
I mean, my Grandfather's not been well, and my Mother's Surprise 50th was in the planning that week, but they shouldn't have gotten in the way, should they? I mean I think I actually truly do (to hell with it) love her. I know I sound all needy and stalkerish, but I bloody well love the woman, and if she doesn't bloody well love me back, well then that's my problem and I've just got to get over it.
The thing is, I really don't want to get over it. She's wonderful. But should I be losing sleep over this topic, and others?
I mean my Grandfather's getting worse apparently, and Mum has been saying these past couple of weeks that if the Chemo doesn't look like it's working, then she doesn't see him surviving to Christmas, and then there's an Essay (Argh! The Stupid Bint!) - need I say more? My birthday is coming up, and I'm stressing for no apparent reason about all of these things, and you know the one thing I'm sad about? I'm sad, because I don't feel like I can talk to her about all of this, I'm sad because I'm writing it here to vent, I'm sad because I'm just sad.
I was seriously contemplating just sitting her down and telling her (not like she doesn't know) that I really do like her and that if she doesn't like me, then she had best tell me right now, because my mind, as some of you know, makes up it's own world and events, and at the moment it's seeing a future with this one girl. So I've got to tell her to put me down in the cruelest way possible and shunt me for future months, which is something I don't want to do for obvious reasons.
But I don't know. I'll probably have a better out look on life tomorrow after a bit of sleep.
But that's me, until next time bloggers...