Thanksgiving...

Or the time of giving thanks as we say over here is something that happens this time of year. Though, and I'm sure you'll agree because you don't always see it, we don't realise what we should be thankful for all year round. It's only when we reflect, and understand everything's meaning to ourselves are we then grateful for everything's existence.

This might sound a little silly, but there's been a song playing in my work from the Muppet's Christmas Carol, and it's got me thinking, as these things do, considering my current mood and outlook on life and the world in general...

'Every night will end, and every day will start, with a grateful prayer and a thankful heart.' And I am grateful, no matter my mood, for all the small things as well as the big ones. From coffee to lemon curd, to the sudden bursts of inspiration, the first walk of spring, reading trees, and the warm summer breeze. Adventures into the unknown, band photos, and slow-mo strutting. I am thankful for the memories that we have made. Firepit dances, speechless pier gazing, midnight talks, slow dancing in a club, quiet drinks down the pub, and beyond. 

And I am particularly thankful for and as the song goes on to say: 'Life is like a journey, who knows when it ends? Yes, and if you need to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends.' And I am, it has to be said, the wealthiest of men because of it. 

Is it a risk to love, what if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?

Peter McWilliams

Keep on Carping! (Carpe diem...)

History Of A Year...

250 Posts later and I can say that the shop has been open a whole year now, and I've been there a year and 10 days. It's strange how much has changed in that time. I've not even known Red that long yet. that would be 27th February, not that I'm counting or anything...

I've moved, I've aged, I've gotten slimmer, and richer, and overall I think I'd say I'm happier, though I'm not sure on whether or not I can measure that. Life is pretty sweet at the moment, though, and dare I say it, its starting to get on the ordinary and mundane side. The home, work, food, sleep, routine, is starting to get to me and I'm getting the urge to go sploring (#) soon. Though I'm not sure where.

Castell Coch perhaps. Just 6 miles up the cycle path, walk up there and back Sunday morning before lunch. It could be done, if the weather's okay. I don't mind the weather being rotten, but I think my camera might, or any companions who accompany me. Barry Island Fish and Chips? Penarth Pier with the finest Steakhouse in Wales with a cold pint in the Custom House on the way back?

Summer's not here anymore, but why should that stop us? I fancy checking out more of the Wye Valley too, though I'd need a car for that. I would say Gower, Cardigan, Pembroke Coast, Brecon Beacons, but my childhood was mainly spent rambling those places, I even fell off a small cliff in Gower into a field of Gorse Bushes. Not a nice end to the day I'll tell you. I've been swept out to sea, and delivered minutes later by the water to the sands, but that was Ogmore I think. I've broken a leg and walked home on it, but that was school.

Where was I? Ah yes, band photos. Let's face it guys, we can look sexy as fuck, and band photos are practically the only way we can capture that slow-mo strut without Tag's iPhone. Although, saying that, we do require to make a movie I think.

Reading trees are hard to come by in the winter, although a pub with a fireplace, and and afternoon tea menu could be fun - like a proper Sunday afternoon off, though we hardly get Sunday afternoons.

Everyone's coming to Jamie's Italian for my birthday this evening! I swear this is the last you'll hear of it. I'm not used to this choosing places and making plans for me malarkey. And that's an odd thought in itself I think. Shouldn't you be able to know what you want to do?

I want to visit a new place. I want to spend the day, week, or month there. I want to know its history, traditions, accent, and experience it was my friends. I want to sit and write something worth writing in my mind, it's got to be epic, fun, possibly dark, emotive, and fantastical. And I want to be happy, and I think I've got that mostly covered. Everyone has their off days...

Carpe diem guys!...

5 Influential Songs...

Its amazing how much animal magnetism I have for menopausal women. While their husbands and grandkids are watching my helicopters, they're watching me. Never before have I felt like the girl who stands next to the fancy car ('Do you come with the car?')...

The final day is here. I get a day off tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and they're gonna be epic. Tonight there's a Halloween gathering at mine and Pills apparently, tis a bit of a rush job, but I got some foodies for it. Tomorrow, I think I'm gonna go home for a Hallow's Eve Belated Gathering of the Big End Crew, and kip at home probs. Saturday, obvs what I'm doing I hope. Fireworks in the Park, getting smashed, and having a good time for Red's Berfday! Sunday, recover, with the chance possibility of a meal for Red's Berfday!

Easy. Now I thought about telling you about 5 songs that I think have influenced my life, or their meaning to me, memories etc. and I'm only doing it for the lolz. Apparently. I don't talk about anything coherent any more so this'll have to do for today...

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Okay so it was late in my teenage years, and it was quite popular and beautiful for obvious reasons. But most people just hear it and picture the first dances at weddings and the charismatic sky when the meteors of the summer cascaded through it. Though, there's only one thing that I picture every time I hear it now, and that's a funeral. Sorry for the downer, but there was a friend I had in school, who was always around the TechLabs, building something or other. He was a couple of years younger than me, and he had an old soul. But that summer, he was the victim of a hit and run, and that summer I can only ever picture his funeral with this song. Just like when I try and say the word solemnity I picture my grandfather's.

Moving on...

All Star - Smash Mouth

A brilliant choice, and perhaps the first time I had learnt all of the lyrics to a song without them being hymns or Christmas Carols/Songs... It also appeared in Digimon Movie, Shrek, and Rat Race (though Rat Race has somewhat become over played nowadays) So what's wrong with taking the back streets?

Come With Us - Can't Stop Won't Stop

A great summery song, though it was summer 2012, and I spent it mostly inside, wondering why life was cruel, and receiving my first rejection letters from publishers, and hearing nothing back from job vacancies and the like. I spent most of that summer with Tag and Cherry watching the Lympics, so things weren't all bad.

The Way I Tend To Be - Frank Turner

Of course Frank had to be on here. He's sort of marked the beginning of a new year and lifestyle for me, moving out, big city life, long summer evenings, wine, cider, drinking, friends, brilliant fun, and a superb 2013. And his music reminds me of Red every time, just like Tarantino and Spaghetti Westerns remind me of Tag, Fairy Tales and Fantasy remind me of Cherry, Halo of Clarey, Purple of Wodgey, and I'm sure the list goes on and on...

How Long Will I Love You - Jon Boden, Sam Sweeney & Ben Coleman

I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like when we saw About Time, so I'll just leave this here, and hope you agree...

So that was my five. They weren't really overly special (just one or two), but I hope you like them nonetheless. What're yours?

And now for work time. 

See you later, Carpe diem...(same syllables)

Nothing At All...

I remember being asleep, and expecting to wake up very early on into the night. I don't know why, perhaps I was just uncomfortable, but then this morning I woke up, into the darkness of an October morning thinking about Marriage and Minecraft...

Tis an odd one I hope you agree, unless of course you know the connection between the two, because I sure as hell don't. I think three couples I know have become engaged this year, with a potential two more on the way. Which, to put that into perspective, before this year, I had only been to two weddings (counting my eggs before they've hatched), and probably five funerals. So in just a few weeks they've given me the potential to go to just as many weddings as funerals, if not more (do wedding receptions count?)...

And any way, Minecraft, I was thinking of moulding a castle and battling some spiders or some shit like that. Good gracious, why aren't my blogs about anything at the moment? I wonder...

Perhaps I feel my writing ability has somewhat become dulled by this repetition and routine, although with routine comes perfection (well, not really). It's certainly not dull. By most people's standards I live quite a remarkable and extraordinary life. I go for breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, cinema trips, telly days, different apartments and houses, all with people I love (j'adore), adore, and admire. And after all, for writing's sake NaNoWriMo's around the corner (should I do it again?)...

There's going to be an opportunity for me to attend a party thrown by my Big End Friends soon, but I don't think I can go. It's funny how we can all swim in different circles but then come together as if nothing in the world has changed and everything is perfectly fine. That's why I like seeing Wodge, that and she's always got a story, a jiggle dance, or a panda to show us.

And then I was thinking of publishing a list of girls I had fancied throughout my life and trying to figure out the link between them all, apart from all being pretty, but then I realised the list was far too small for a man with my reputation, and a reputation this good took me 23 years to build after all. I can't have people thinking that beneath this callous, rapey, and oddly-attractive exterior lies a warm, pleasant, and pleasing to the eye individual. Wouldn't you agree? Quite right...

Perhaps next time I won't talk so much shit...

Carpe diem...

If Ever I Stray...

There are more minutes in a moment, than you can expect years in a lifetime...

That is a. very depressing, and b. very beautiful (I think). I'm not sure if it makes sense, but I thought about it while listening to a bit of Frank (If I Ever Stray) and I think I might add it to the series of one-line beauties that I've been coming up with recently...

Sure, they're not all good, but I'll eventually hit the nail on the head.

Yesterday, I went clothes shopping and bought very little. Remember how I don't want anything? Well, turns out that's an issue when I start shopping. And it's getting increasingly annoying, because I just tried on a few jackets that used to fit me, and realised just how much smaller I am to how I was almost a year ago (that's a lie, perhaps 8 months). I'm living a more sociable, healthy, and productive lifestyle, and I'm loving it. This week's been hellish though. I've had three days off alone now, and the madness didn't settle in once, can you believe it?! It has been boring though. I managed to complete Bute Wall, and I started playing a new game since finishing Saints, and I have helped Cherry set up her new website for Curiouser and Curiouser (her bookshop) - that was fun, and reminded me of the creative collaborations we used to have. Maybe I'll go back to the drawing board with wearethewritingpeople.co.uk...

GG has started asking me for more comics (Red, you haven't met her yet), and by God, I hope to supply. I've just got to think of all the funny stuff we've been up to - obviously introduce Red as a character (as everyone else already is) - I have been working on a group picture, in a slightly un-badly drawn, and yet badly drawn style. If I get it to a stage I like, perhaps I'll show you. 

And then there's the Skyrim Escapades. I told Pill last night, that if he was to start playing Skyrim, I would have to start playing again, to which he said something along the lines of, he'll be playing it, and won't bother investing in any new games and when the 360 peters out of use, he'll not buy another console because he's got better things to do with his time. And then I said to him, but why don't you do all that stuff anyway, even though you've got an xbox? And his reply was that he had an xbox, so he wouldn't get any of that done. 

I looked at him oddly and chose not to argue back. I don't know about you, but if you've lost your self-control to a games console, and want to be doing something else other than gaming, then surely you would get the fuck away from your console and go do something 'better' (or his perception of better) with your life? Wouldn't you? I like to think I would. 

I use gaming as a release, and I don't game very often, as I have many an outlet (this, the secret blog, actual writing, occasional artistry, walking, exercise, etc), but I don't think Pill has any hobbies bar drinking and magic the gathering. 

Out with the guys tonight! It's gonna be good to see them all again - though saying that Tag and I had some drinks yesterday, and had manly chats (as we could and should do more often).

See you later!

Carpe diem...

Toxic Thoughts...

I figured out, quite a long time ago, that no one really ever wanted or wants to do what I want to do. Its probably why I tend not to celebrate my birthday. A day for just me? Who would want that? And that sort of thought process has probably influenced me and my personality most of all. I imagine most people view me as a pushover, someone who just does what they're told and doesn't try to rock the boat. But beneath the surface all I'm thinking about is everyone else's happiness, because if they're happy, I'll be happy, right? Well, for the most part that's true... (And I hate thinking that people aren't actually happy, and there's nothing in the world I can do to help.)

I confronted Pill last night about the Roast Dinner thing, and I asked him whether or not he thought I was living a toxic lifestyle, no commitments, just a whim and an urge to go and do things. He told me something I wasn't expecting. He said that I was a genuinely nice guy and that he didn't want people to take advantage of the generosity and kindness I'm capable of. He thinks I should never change, because the world needs genuinely nice guys, but something needs to happen, and I can't continue to go the way I'm going. But he doesn't think I live toxicly and admits that he too has taken advantage of me.

Needless to say, I was taken aback (trust Pill to give an analytical answer) and somewhat responded in a way slightly more aggressive than I wanted to. I told him I was fine with being taken advantage of because I knew it was happening, and I was fine with it, because my friends were doing it. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't be so lucky I'm sure. But after all that I can't help but think whether or not its a good thing. I know I've reasoned it to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for me? 

Another rather interesting thing happened to me yesterday too. I had a customer who read me. It was odd, after all, she only wanted a teddy bear, but read me nonetheless. And when I say read, I mean she analysed the way I spoke and came to a conclusion (or I assume she did). She suspected that I might have had a stutter when I was a child/teenager (correct) and that I thought I overcame that stutter (I have, haven't I?) but the simple pauses and elongated thoughts told her otherwise. Apparently, there's too much in my head trying to get out, and that's why half the time my sentences don't make sense or I start speaking and forget I'm doing so and stop again. She suggested I just start talking and see where that got me, get things off my chest and shit like that, and I thanked her for her advice and she bought the teddy. But like fuck am I doing that. I don't even know what I would say (lies) or to who I would say it (lies) or even why (lies). It was quite a hard hitting day to be honest...

I awkwardly met with Red in the morning to hand back a necklace she had left at mine, she was the only one in her shop, I could have stayed longer and chatted for a bit. It would have been a nice start to the day because then I was busy as soon as I started work up until about 3pm, when I realised that it was 3pm, and I hadn't sold anything, again. I miss Cherry working in town, and our subsequent Le Lake Poob meetings. The young days of our relationship together, winter to summer, and now winter is coming again (snow next month, Pill says)...

I'm getting a sort of mild case of paranoia at the moment, I'm not sure whether it's because of my mental state or because I live on Green Street, but paranoia nonetheless. I feel like everyone's talking about me, and that things are being said, planned, and done without me. I don't know. It's an odd one.

I miss the quiet calm of summer...

Carpe diem...

About Time And Other Things...

I don't think I could put into words the emotions and feelings I felt last night, in fact I don't even think I want to share them with you as they were so deep and personal, as I watched Richard Curtis' new film, About Time with my nearest and dearest...

I'm not even going to tell you very much about the film, I just want you to see it, and know that when the credits rolled, I didn't go 'is that it?' I turned to Tag and said, 'I would gladly sit and watch that again right now.' And I don't think I've ever said that about a movie, ever. There are films I could watch to death, but not over and over, so well done About Time. There's just so many perfect moments, wonderfully crafted, and each as beautiful as the next, so wonderfully crafted in fact that I just want Richard Curtis to write my life from now on. I wish I was a charming, bumbling, babbling, fool, with the greatest super power in the world (yes I said it). There's only one or two instances in my life so far that I would want to do over, and do properly, and they're only in the past year. Any before then seem utterly pointless now, and I suppose that's what the movie was essentially all about. 

I know I might see the world a little differently to a lot of you. I see most things with a sense of wonder and awe, which is probably why I like wandering around so much. But it's always words I seem to stumble on. I realised after the movie, that there were questions shooting around in my head, questions I would have normally asked, and been none-the-wiser for the answer. There were things that I could have said, and chose not too, and I think at one point I was actually charming for two-minutes. 

We made our own perfect moment last night, none complained about the cold, and we barely spoke. We just looked out over the marina (mar-in-er) with a sense of adventure, accomplishment, and thoughtful reservation, cocktails in hand, wondering what was out there, and gazing at the underwater beauty only the night time could bring.

I think that might be the most perfect moment, that snippet, that we've ever had. And we have had some perfect moments together. Lounging in the back garden with wine, music, and a midsummer's evening, wandering in the park during a heavy shower, and the countless hours we have comforted and enjoyed each other's company at our favourite haunt. And I wouldn't go back and change a thing, but I would go back and relive them all.

I was even surprised to see a familiar relationship on screen, that just so happens to be one I have with my father. And I wonder, when the time comes, whether I will think 'did he love me if he didn't show it?' The answer is of course, and always will be, 'yes'. 

And before I return to my day-to-day there was something else I wanted to share with you. Something that played before the film, and something so epic, so get-up-and-go, and so tremendously brilliant that I wanted to share it to encourage me to do even better, again. (And Red, I didn't mean to insult you - if I did, you made a face - when I said 'guys, shall we go to university again?' - you were obviously included in the question.)

All in all, I want to say that last night changed my life, and has made me a better person, and I certainly hope that's true. I'll try and shut up a lot more, think about what I'm about to say, and bumble and babble through life as charmingly and as foolishly as I possibly can...

Carpe diem...

It's What You Want It To Be...

Yesterday we got deep, Pill and I, real deep. We went way back, and lingered on words and ideas and memories of the future that we discussed in length, in our back garden, taking in the evening warmth. But that was almost entirely due to being so drained of energy, that I didn't want to talk at all, and Pill wanting to talk. It was okay, it seemed to work. I must remember my 5 o'clock coffee!

Anyway, I told Pill to go play his game while I made dinner, it was sort of 8ish by that point, and made the dinner I did - BBQ Pork, Boiled Potatoes and Steamed Veg (healthy, I hope you agree). As I was waiting for Bake-I-don't-like-trifle-but-I-want-one-Off to appear on iPlayer, I noticed a post from Red on Twitter which essentially read, watch this:

(does that first bit of music sound Halo-y to you?)

It's a good advert, I enjoyed, and then Pill - who had been watching over my shoulder - started to play the game with me: Huge Tits Cupped, Horny Tortoise Cums, Hagrid Tries Cock, Harry Takes Cock, Humongous Testicular Cancer, and Heavenly Trollope Code, were some of his...

I wasn't very good at it, requiring to pause and stuff before hand, and then when I had one it didn't sound quite right: High Tree Cut, Hot Turnip Collapses, Holy Train Collides, but then I said one that shut Pill up and I said it with a wonderfully straight face that it was funny...

Horse Tramples Child

I know that most of you didn't laugh there, but you have to remember, we were both in a sort of drunken tiredness stage. Either way, I don't imagine HTC, it's what you want it to be, will appreciate our little game or the headlines that we've created from it. It's rather like the Three Pony and Pug, and the O2 CatDog, weird enough to create new weird.

Moving on, Pill and I were thinking of having the last BBQ of the Summer on the weekend, if you all want to come, weather permitting. I'm sorry we can't wait (because I know some of you can't make it this weekend), the nice weather is slowly fading into the realms of the winter, but if it happens, you'll all get an invite if this wasn't enough to suffice...

Carpe diem...

It Comes In Waves...

Well like I say, it comes in waves, but what? you ask...

This week has been quite a peaceful one, my Brother started college, my Sister was in work, my Mother went to Turkey, and my Father was also in work - which was quite out of character. I had the house to myself to get on with Real Magic. Just sit down and properly go over it, start sending it out to people and places.

I even gave a copy to my Job Centre Adviser and she was ecstatic! That was quite alarming, but I was the talk of the Job Centre for my brief visit, and I look forward to seeing if she's read it at all. It was a strange concoction of emotions, I've only ever given it to one other person outside of my friends and he said that it was 'very good and it could be better.' 

So praise, excitement, and pride are definitely on the list, and then there's also worry, and fright keeping me very grounded. Until I get a message back from an Agent saying - 'Yes, we'd like to take you on and sell your book' - then I stay my quiet self (HAHA).

But I keep getting the feeling that Real Magic, now it's almost over, helped me block out the real issues in my mind. While I was lost in my imagination, pretending things were fine, or not if you've read the story, I've been ignoring the rest of the world.

It hit me yesterday, when I was pegging out washing of all things. My sister had a monopoly on the car all week, and I said, at the start of the week, that I wanted it on Saturday. This sparked an argument as she was planning to go to Bristol to shop, by herself might I add. I had another plan I hadn't suggested to people yet, and that was to drive certain parties to Tintern Abbey, as it had been the plan before a while messy situation.

Now, me having not invited the parties yet, as it was Monday, and I thought I'd do it later in the day, meant that my plans were still up in the air. I didn't know whether people would be free or not, I hadn't checked. So Natalie's going to Bristol tomorrow and I'm not going to Tintern Abbey.

The parties in question, you've guessed it, were Dark Horse and HB Sauce. So you can watch as the anger built up in me. I could have started to make amends again, being stunted as you know by the busy day coffee offer in the previous blog, but I couldn't.

And then I saw, later on, that Dark Horse had bought a car, the thought of everyone moving on with their lives weighed on me, as I'm still unable to get a job because no one wants to give me one, and therefore I'm not able to move out, etc.

And then, while pegging out washing, all these thoughts hit me at once, from my Sister's selfishness, to Dark Horse's car (I think it's partly HB's as well, but I don't know where she got the money from), and then I thought - perhaps they'd go to Tintern Abbey by themselves. 

Perhaps they'd go do something I'd suggested, without me, perhaps they'd also go to Warwick Castle as HB suggested, and perhaps visit GG and go to Glastonbury Tor without me as well. It brought a tear to my eye and I broke a few pegs as well. I was so angry, and the whole time I could hear Pill's voice saying - 'You know they'd planned to go for ages, and they went.'

WTF?!

No they hadn't, it was my suggestion, my contribution, and I'd feel very upset if they did it without me. HB and I were talking about Venice a long while before Dark Horse came along, Assassin's Creed 2 saw to that, and then there was the entire European Tour we planned one summer, I've still got the journey map, are you going to claim that they planned all that by themselves as well?! And then he'd go on to say: 'You know, they talk every day, they're best friends.'

ARGH!

And all the while, as I'm saying and thinking that I used to speak everyday, for hours, to HB, and how we were best friends (sorry Clareg, we're best friends as well, you understand), I just feel like I've been replaced. Left out in the cold, with no way of getting back in. 

It's nice to have everyone's support and friendship, it's really nice, and I don't want you guys to ever feel like I've been replacing you, ignoring you, or using you, ever - but know this, and you might understand, it's just not the same without HB. 

I miss all the moments, and all the times, and everything, unique to us. And I fear that she doesn't - also because of something Pill said, but I won't get into that.

It's like if Clareg and I weren't best friends nearly all our lives. He wouldn't have become friendly with Clareyloo earlier on and it might have taken a while longer for them to get together. And I would have been that guy who knew everyone's names and likes and dislikes, but no one would have known me. 

HB gave me someone to really talk to about anything and everything, nearly all times of the day - except the mornings - she hates mornings. 

I miss everything...and now I'm crying, why am I crying?! Come on man, man up! Let's go play L.A. Noire...

Oh...but before I go, I should mention that after the anger and everything, the xbox couldn't distract me, nor cooking, but my Brother put on Dead Poets Society, and I was wonderfully reminded...

Carpe Diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. I should also mention that without Real Magic distracting me, I might be writing more of these, but without it distracting me, you might also get a lot more anger from me. Who knows...