Rumour Has It...

It has to be said that yesterday I felt like I had a very shit day at work. The long and short of it mainly spans from lots of little things (as well as big ones), as they often do, and a rather large rumour spread around about me not doing my job.

Either way it all escalated and caused me to march angrily home to an empty house with a nice note from Pill informing me that he would not be returning for dinner. I dumped my stuff and stormed from the house back to work and immediately asked any of the girls if they wanted a drink (there were only girls working there when I left). Thankfully one of them did, and my workmate and I got a drink in the Pen and Wig. I learnt a lot more about her, and there's more yet still. It was a nice evening well spent, and then I returned home to cook dinner...

Pill returned and was also in an off mood. We watched a small bit of telly before he phoned DarkHorse and then came back to a talk about weddings and finances and some how Christmas. I don't know about you, but Christmas for me has always mostly been about the giving. And I will admit I might have gone a little OTT with Christmas this year. All in all, I'm not 100% on what I've bought let alone what I've spent. It's always best not to look. However, when listing the people I've bought things for (Pill being on there) he goes: 'oh dude, I specifically told you not to get me anything!' And then leaves the room. 

I don't think I've ever seen anyone angry that they've got a gift for Christmas before. And I did lead into it with the giving statement, but he wasn't having any of it. Am I a dick? Is it just that day where I think I'm a dick because I'm actually a dick?

So there was a lot of downs before hitting the up and then back down to the depths. And what's worse is that I've not even finished Christmas shopping. I will finish tomorrow though. I've decided. I wish I had a concierge...

I think I might prefer the Ed Sheeran version, though this one's epic, and there's loads of awesome covers too. Who knew it'd be that popular. 

Today will be a better day.

Carpe diem...

I Am Not Depressed...

Well I was going to talk to you about yesterday where I wandered the realms of Skyrim, walked to the Bay and back, and then ate an all-you-can-eat (not a challenge) Chinese, before Red came over for a cuppa. Though, instead I thought I'd write about something Red mentioned, and I have now watched...

TomSka's new video:

Now, I won't go as far to say that I am/was depressed, or to say that there's something wrong with me, because for all we know, there's not. And as I keep saying to everyone I work with 'everyone has their off days'. But I've certainly been through some things. I've spent days in bed wondering why, I've woken up angry and sad and just mad at the world, I was a very angry child too. And I'm glad that I've grown out that stage, no one likes angry people. Pill says its not good to bottle it up, and Red even said yesterday that arguing was healthy. That makes sense, but I just don't an urge to be angry or to argue. 

On Thursday, I had a bad day. Just one of those days were you wake up and decide everything can go fuck itself. You know, a bad day. I sort of revisited it Saturday lunchtime when I pictured punching a few members of the public, and tearing them a new one. But anyway, my confessor made me sit down and tell her everything. And I did for the most part. She was trying to make sure it wasn't my friends making me this way, and it wasn't, it was just a bad day. In the past when I've had bad months and seasons I've always gone to visit Tag and Cherry, and slept on their sofa and refused to move. They're not the problem, I am. 

And it was suggested to me that I runaway, leave everything behind. Which I know certainly goes into the whole getting away, visiting somewhere new, having somewhere different to explore. And it seems everyone might be on similar pages - who'da thought? I've thought about running away in the past, but I was told that I can't run from life, I should just get on with it. And this time, I wasn't thinking of getting out, I'm not ready to drop everything and leave. I can't. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it. 

We all need a holiday, a long holiday, and I don't expect that we should return. (I am so psyched about Lord of the Rings on Friday!)

That bit where TomSka says that he's lost his passion for life, and everything else. That was me about a year or more ago. I had no desire to do anything. And I was even at the stage where I was thinking about suicide, but I knew I couldn't or wouldn't do that to myself. It's odd when you reason with yourself. But for now, I've got and for that matter, re-found, my writing. And as long as I've got something, I've got something to keep me sane (ish). 

Thanks for listening guys, good talk.

Music helps too.

Carpe diem guys!

I'm So Angry!...

*TAG - if you feel that I'm talking rubbish, going too far, or too personal, etc. then please, ignore your mission. People don't need to know if I'm just going to alienate everyone - things don't need to get worse.*

*Also, please don't take any of this seriously, I'm sure I'll feel quite differently about everything tomorrow, and something new the next day. That is how rubbish I'm being at the moment.*

Okay, so I don't know whether I actually know that/feel that, but I'm definitely getting certain levels of anger every now and then, and that's only when I think about my friends and this situation.

Right, let me get something straight, it's not all of you, TechSanity you can definitely rule yourself out of this list because you were very useful a few blogs ago - so thank you :) (also, saying that, I'm not sure how much you know/don't know, so I'll leave it at that.)

No, the friends know who they are, and you probably do as well, and I am angry at them, but not in a bad way.

Question: Does anyone actually talk to anyone anymore?!

I'm under the impression that no, no one seems to. Dark Horse talks to HB daily, or so Pill likes to remind me every single time I see him. Pill doesn't seem to give two shits about any of this. And Tag and Cherrybelly, well Tag talks to me and so does Cherrybelly on occasion.

Have I got that about right? I mean, I presume Pill talks to Dark Horse all the time as well, but that was a given. And the same can be said for Tag and Cherrybelly. 

But why is there a divide in communication? 

It's like I've always said to HB, during our pleasant times, 'even if something happened between us now (bearing in mind we've never gone out) it would affect everyone.' - well that was my counter-argument to her argument at people should stop dating in 'The Group'.

Anyway, getting a bit sidetracked.

I'm angry, and I know I shouldn't be, because I say I'm angry at everyone, I'm angry at my friends, I'm angry at her (I'm not angry at you TechSanity as we've already discussed. Perhaps we should go for a pint sometime down the local. Or would that be weird? - anyway) I'm actually angry at myself. 

But I know I'm not solely to blame. I'm not the only person in this equation, and you should all know it. Stop choosing sides. You always used to treat me and she like a couple, now start talking about us behind our backs. Start communicating for Christ-sake! - or at least act like you are if you've always been communicating. 

That is the one problem we've all always had. No one ever talks to anyone else. Have you ever thought that someone has told someone else something in confidence, but the other person should know what that person should have said? (Now, I'm gonna exclude you Pill, because you've done this before and I'm grateful - even though I didn't believe you, and I kinda still don't.)

And don't any of you dare to give me any of the Bullshit that she doesn't care. She wouldn't be actively ignoring me and keeping her distance if she didn't. And for another thing, if she didn't care, then why the Fuck did she keep me around for so long? Why did she keep suggesting we do things? Why did she agree to work with me on creating a Creative Writing course for her volunteering? Why the fuck are we going on holiday if she's always thought like that?

I know the issue, don't tell me that either, I need to know what I did to start it. It's been 2 months for Fuck-sake, and I still don't know how it started.

And Pill, I remember why I was asking her 'Why?' when she was sat next to me, I was asking her 'Why she was crying.' And if you're thinking, 'no you weren't' then I can tell you I can't, remember any other reason of asking her why. And if you really think that I'm that pathetic to say 'Why don't you like me?' or 'Why won't you go out with me?' then it appears that you don't know me at all.

I knew she liked me, but not in that way, I knew we were great friends, without a hint of 'this could happen', I knew it all, so stop telling me things you were saying in all of first and second years to me.

On that evening in question we were obviously both holding a lot of past mistakes and we had both had too much Rum. But it's been 2 months in the dark, something's got to give otherwise this holiday isn't going to be as fun or enjoyable as any of us want it to be. And Pill don't give me that crap about Dark Horse and HB just going off and doing things by themselves if things turn a little awkward. I'm sure anything they want to go do, we all want to go fucking do. Got it?

There's so much anger and sadness in me that I just hate everything today. I managed to tear up a few CVs and applications, I've now got to go re-do them, I've punched a hole in my wardrobe. And I've bruised my fists on the wall in the hallway - all while writing this on and off, cooking a Sunday Roast, and trying to ignore everything.

It's difficult to find my happy place today. And I'm sorry for the swearing, and the anger, and everything I've just said. I'm feeling it all, and my head keeps playing games with me. I just want to stay quiet, and not talk to anyone or anything from no on. What good can come from me talking? Look at what I've done, it's all in ruins. I'll just stick to writing.

I love you all, and don't think that I hate any of you. I hate myself. And I'm angry because of it.

So, your mission should you choose to accept it:

Tag - make sure Cherrybelly, Pill, and Dark Horse read this, and you guys start talking.

Pill - Stop not caring about anything. Every time we see each other you seem to press for details, and then you act all aloof and not-bothered by anything.

Dark Horse - don't choose sides. That's perhaps the most unhelpful thing. Don't treat us differently, unless you know something that we (I) don't. Don't choose a side unless you know it's a forgone conclusion. And if it is, then why the Fuck are we still pretending?

Cherrybelly - keep smiling.

And if you come to the conclusion that nothing can be done. This thing can't be resolved then by all means tell me and watch as I segregate myself from everything and everyone, and slowly disappear as I runaway.

I know you're all very busy with work and life and love and everything, but I just want you to know, that on top of all those stresses, I'd like you to start seeing that your friends need help, and they're probably not going to resolve any issues without persuasion, and alcohol.

We don't need to shake hands and say we're sorry, we don't need to kiss and make-up, we need to hug, talk, and cry about this...

I know it sounds like bullshit, but I've been strong and caring for too long, and everything's just falling apart in front of me. I can't keep ignoring it. 

And I'm not going to saying Carpe diem today - I really don't feel like it. The day can go fuck itself for all I care.

Until next time...

P.S. I hope I'm happier in my next post.

It Comes In Waves...

Well like I say, it comes in waves, but what? you ask...

This week has been quite a peaceful one, my Brother started college, my Sister was in work, my Mother went to Turkey, and my Father was also in work - which was quite out of character. I had the house to myself to get on with Real Magic. Just sit down and properly go over it, start sending it out to people and places.

I even gave a copy to my Job Centre Adviser and she was ecstatic! That was quite alarming, but I was the talk of the Job Centre for my brief visit, and I look forward to seeing if she's read it at all. It was a strange concoction of emotions, I've only ever given it to one other person outside of my friends and he said that it was 'very good and it could be better.' 

So praise, excitement, and pride are definitely on the list, and then there's also worry, and fright keeping me very grounded. Until I get a message back from an Agent saying - 'Yes, we'd like to take you on and sell your book' - then I stay my quiet self (HAHA).

But I keep getting the feeling that Real Magic, now it's almost over, helped me block out the real issues in my mind. While I was lost in my imagination, pretending things were fine, or not if you've read the story, I've been ignoring the rest of the world.

It hit me yesterday, when I was pegging out washing of all things. My sister had a monopoly on the car all week, and I said, at the start of the week, that I wanted it on Saturday. This sparked an argument as she was planning to go to Bristol to shop, by herself might I add. I had another plan I hadn't suggested to people yet, and that was to drive certain parties to Tintern Abbey, as it had been the plan before a while messy situation.

Now, me having not invited the parties yet, as it was Monday, and I thought I'd do it later in the day, meant that my plans were still up in the air. I didn't know whether people would be free or not, I hadn't checked. So Natalie's going to Bristol tomorrow and I'm not going to Tintern Abbey.

The parties in question, you've guessed it, were Dark Horse and HB Sauce. So you can watch as the anger built up in me. I could have started to make amends again, being stunted as you know by the busy day coffee offer in the previous blog, but I couldn't.

And then I saw, later on, that Dark Horse had bought a car, the thought of everyone moving on with their lives weighed on me, as I'm still unable to get a job because no one wants to give me one, and therefore I'm not able to move out, etc.

And then, while pegging out washing, all these thoughts hit me at once, from my Sister's selfishness, to Dark Horse's car (I think it's partly HB's as well, but I don't know where she got the money from), and then I thought - perhaps they'd go to Tintern Abbey by themselves. 

Perhaps they'd go do something I'd suggested, without me, perhaps they'd also go to Warwick Castle as HB suggested, and perhaps visit GG and go to Glastonbury Tor without me as well. It brought a tear to my eye and I broke a few pegs as well. I was so angry, and the whole time I could hear Pill's voice saying - 'You know they'd planned to go for ages, and they went.'

WTF?!

No they hadn't, it was my suggestion, my contribution, and I'd feel very upset if they did it without me. HB and I were talking about Venice a long while before Dark Horse came along, Assassin's Creed 2 saw to that, and then there was the entire European Tour we planned one summer, I've still got the journey map, are you going to claim that they planned all that by themselves as well?! And then he'd go on to say: 'You know, they talk every day, they're best friends.'

ARGH!

And all the while, as I'm saying and thinking that I used to speak everyday, for hours, to HB, and how we were best friends (sorry Clareg, we're best friends as well, you understand), I just feel like I've been replaced. Left out in the cold, with no way of getting back in. 

It's nice to have everyone's support and friendship, it's really nice, and I don't want you guys to ever feel like I've been replacing you, ignoring you, or using you, ever - but know this, and you might understand, it's just not the same without HB. 

I miss all the moments, and all the times, and everything, unique to us. And I fear that she doesn't - also because of something Pill said, but I won't get into that.

It's like if Clareg and I weren't best friends nearly all our lives. He wouldn't have become friendly with Clareyloo earlier on and it might have taken a while longer for them to get together. And I would have been that guy who knew everyone's names and likes and dislikes, but no one would have known me. 

HB gave me someone to really talk to about anything and everything, nearly all times of the day - except the mornings - she hates mornings. 

I miss everything...and now I'm crying, why am I crying?! Come on man, man up! Let's go play L.A. Noire...

Oh...but before I go, I should mention that after the anger and everything, the xbox couldn't distract me, nor cooking, but my Brother put on Dead Poets Society, and I was wonderfully reminded...

Carpe Diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. I should also mention that without Real Magic distracting me, I might be writing more of these, but without it distracting me, you might also get a lot more anger from me. Who knows...