I Am Not Depressed...

Well I was going to talk to you about yesterday where I wandered the realms of Skyrim, walked to the Bay and back, and then ate an all-you-can-eat (not a challenge) Chinese, before Red came over for a cuppa. Though, instead I thought I'd write about something Red mentioned, and I have now watched...

TomSka's new video:

Now, I won't go as far to say that I am/was depressed, or to say that there's something wrong with me, because for all we know, there's not. And as I keep saying to everyone I work with 'everyone has their off days'. But I've certainly been through some things. I've spent days in bed wondering why, I've woken up angry and sad and just mad at the world, I was a very angry child too. And I'm glad that I've grown out that stage, no one likes angry people. Pill says its not good to bottle it up, and Red even said yesterday that arguing was healthy. That makes sense, but I just don't an urge to be angry or to argue. 

On Thursday, I had a bad day. Just one of those days were you wake up and decide everything can go fuck itself. You know, a bad day. I sort of revisited it Saturday lunchtime when I pictured punching a few members of the public, and tearing them a new one. But anyway, my confessor made me sit down and tell her everything. And I did for the most part. She was trying to make sure it wasn't my friends making me this way, and it wasn't, it was just a bad day. In the past when I've had bad months and seasons I've always gone to visit Tag and Cherry, and slept on their sofa and refused to move. They're not the problem, I am. 

And it was suggested to me that I runaway, leave everything behind. Which I know certainly goes into the whole getting away, visiting somewhere new, having somewhere different to explore. And it seems everyone might be on similar pages - who'da thought? I've thought about running away in the past, but I was told that I can't run from life, I should just get on with it. And this time, I wasn't thinking of getting out, I'm not ready to drop everything and leave. I can't. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it. 

We all need a holiday, a long holiday, and I don't expect that we should return. (I am so psyched about Lord of the Rings on Friday!)

That bit where TomSka says that he's lost his passion for life, and everything else. That was me about a year or more ago. I had no desire to do anything. And I was even at the stage where I was thinking about suicide, but I knew I couldn't or wouldn't do that to myself. It's odd when you reason with yourself. But for now, I've got and for that matter, re-found, my writing. And as long as I've got something, I've got something to keep me sane (ish). 

Thanks for listening guys, good talk.

Music helps too.

Carpe diem guys!

Stress Levels...

Do you know some people think I'm stressed? 

Apparently I'm quite cool in the waking world. I know my shit, I can fly with the best of them (and that's not street), and yet I have awful dreams and nightmares, I continue to bite my tongue in my sleep, and I can't eat anything without feeling quite ill. Perhaps I'll just stick to coffee and milkshakes. Who needs food anyway?

Pill, DarkHorse and I went to the pub last night to watch the game. It was nice, and it wasn't too busy. I was nearly asleep in my chair when the full-time whistle was blown. I have no idea why I zonked out so much, but the walk home woke me up for another three hours. 

Everytime I think about writing now it calms me. Well, not calms me. I start thinking about a world that's not our own, and a place that I control, and where the possibilities are becoming more and more plausible each day. They're not, but you know what I mean I hope. It's been the tiniest of sparks in my life of work and play, and it's certainly something new to focus on. 

I know I've started sounding like a madman recently. And 'one of those people' who talk about their books all the time, but I honestly don't mean to. There are lots and lots of scenes in my head just playing over and over, each time perfecting themselves, and the nasty ones get worse. Perhaps that's where the nightmares come from. 

I might go back on the Kalms. We'll see what happens tonight. 

Carpe Diem...

Good Start...

Life is a game in which the player must appear to be ridiculous...

There aren't many better ways to start the day than at dawn, with a warm shower and then out into the fresh crisp morning, before the sun has crept over the buildings of the city to have a walk down the river to the station. All the while with a big grin on your face from the music your iPod is coming out with. And then you merely run into, by chance, a friend at the station and wander round for a good catch-up and a coffee.

Love the one you hold, and I'll be your goal to have and to hold, a lover of the light. Followed by...

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back. Well tell her that I miss our little talks, soon it will be over and buried with our past. We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love...

And needless to say a man chat followed...

*The details have been deleted and no records can be found.*

It was nice to hang out with Tag again. It's seemed like such a long time. And things appear to be hotting up in Downton Abbey. The Lord's Wife nearly died, and he's been having a bit of a fling with a House Maid, meanwhile a Maid and a Butler have been married and he's subsequently been arrested for the murder of his former Wife. And now it's Christmas. 

All in all, it's been an alright day of far. I've even been to the market, and done the washing. Red came to see me last night as we were shutting the shop and she made me think in a more positive fashion than I have done so in a while. It was a good thought. And so far, these 11 Days of work before a 3-day weekend seem most worthwhile.

Positivity and Prosperousness be among us all. Carpe diem...

Toxic Thoughts...

I figured out, quite a long time ago, that no one really ever wanted or wants to do what I want to do. Its probably why I tend not to celebrate my birthday. A day for just me? Who would want that? And that sort of thought process has probably influenced me and my personality most of all. I imagine most people view me as a pushover, someone who just does what they're told and doesn't try to rock the boat. But beneath the surface all I'm thinking about is everyone else's happiness, because if they're happy, I'll be happy, right? Well, for the most part that's true... (And I hate thinking that people aren't actually happy, and there's nothing in the world I can do to help.)

I confronted Pill last night about the Roast Dinner thing, and I asked him whether or not he thought I was living a toxic lifestyle, no commitments, just a whim and an urge to go and do things. He told me something I wasn't expecting. He said that I was a genuinely nice guy and that he didn't want people to take advantage of the generosity and kindness I'm capable of. He thinks I should never change, because the world needs genuinely nice guys, but something needs to happen, and I can't continue to go the way I'm going. But he doesn't think I live toxicly and admits that he too has taken advantage of me.

Needless to say, I was taken aback (trust Pill to give an analytical answer) and somewhat responded in a way slightly more aggressive than I wanted to. I told him I was fine with being taken advantage of because I knew it was happening, and I was fine with it, because my friends were doing it. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't be so lucky I'm sure. But after all that I can't help but think whether or not its a good thing. I know I've reasoned it to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for me? 

Another rather interesting thing happened to me yesterday too. I had a customer who read me. It was odd, after all, she only wanted a teddy bear, but read me nonetheless. And when I say read, I mean she analysed the way I spoke and came to a conclusion (or I assume she did). She suspected that I might have had a stutter when I was a child/teenager (correct) and that I thought I overcame that stutter (I have, haven't I?) but the simple pauses and elongated thoughts told her otherwise. Apparently, there's too much in my head trying to get out, and that's why half the time my sentences don't make sense or I start speaking and forget I'm doing so and stop again. She suggested I just start talking and see where that got me, get things off my chest and shit like that, and I thanked her for her advice and she bought the teddy. But like fuck am I doing that. I don't even know what I would say (lies) or to who I would say it (lies) or even why (lies). It was quite a hard hitting day to be honest...

I awkwardly met with Red in the morning to hand back a necklace she had left at mine, she was the only one in her shop, I could have stayed longer and chatted for a bit. It would have been a nice start to the day because then I was busy as soon as I started work up until about 3pm, when I realised that it was 3pm, and I hadn't sold anything, again. I miss Cherry working in town, and our subsequent Le Lake Poob meetings. The young days of our relationship together, winter to summer, and now winter is coming again (snow next month, Pill says)...

I'm getting a sort of mild case of paranoia at the moment, I'm not sure whether it's because of my mental state or because I live on Green Street, but paranoia nonetheless. I feel like everyone's talking about me, and that things are being said, planned, and done without me. I don't know. It's an odd one.

I miss the quiet calm of summer...

Carpe diem...

Normality?...

So, it turns out in the black recesses of the night, I still have dark thoughts. It actually turns out that in the bright gloom of the afternoon sun, I also have dark thoughts. For instance I was walking home yesterday, and I wondered what it would be like to get hit by a speeding car, if it jumped the red light as I was crossing the road...

I'm not sure whether that was a dark thought or just me trying to envisage the scene and the feelings and the hurt involved, both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I think I'm probably weird for that thought alone, but then even while Pill was here I continued the stream of badness. It turns out, I have to be told something's a secret for me not to tell anyone else about it. I think that annoys Pill the most about me. Perhaps there is something mentally wrong with me. Will I go see someone about it? Probably not, because I don't think there's anything wrong with me. Every human being has the capability of imagining and experiencing exactly the same things, given time. I suppose the car hitting one is most influential because of my father and grandmother. But hey, maybe not.

I also came to the conclusion, whilst talking to workmates, that I'm not the best when it comes to series decisions, topics, or life-altering events. If you ask me anything along those lines, my mouth (which is already a stupid talking tool) says something I don't mean, or a blue joke no-one gets but me, and I ultimately look stupid. However, give me a day to think about things, maybe even shorter on occasion, and I can give you my actual opinion and feelings towards the matter at hand. I'm stupid, and quite emotionally retarded when it comes to most things actually. And I have no idea why...

Or perhaps I'm just being silly and questioning things that aren't there, or normal things altogether. Pill made me sit and watch Pirates yesterday. It wasn't unpleasant, but as I'm going on a home-visit on the weekend (not sure which day) he wants me to bring back the other two Pirates, that aren't on Netflix. 

I'm already missing the sun. Soon it'll be autumn, where walks through the park will be even more colourful, birthdays, Halloween, bonfire night, are all going to be awesome, and then it'll be the hugging weather, and the best time of year (behind summer obvs), Christmas. A time of warmth, love, caring, and even more fun. I think this has been the best year so far, a year where I've actually been able to do stuff, lots of stuff, and not regret a single expenditure. But I'll save the summary for New Year's Day, like always...

Until then, Carpe diem...

It Comes In Waves...

Well like I say, it comes in waves, but what? you ask...

This week has been quite a peaceful one, my Brother started college, my Sister was in work, my Mother went to Turkey, and my Father was also in work - which was quite out of character. I had the house to myself to get on with Real Magic. Just sit down and properly go over it, start sending it out to people and places.

I even gave a copy to my Job Centre Adviser and she was ecstatic! That was quite alarming, but I was the talk of the Job Centre for my brief visit, and I look forward to seeing if she's read it at all. It was a strange concoction of emotions, I've only ever given it to one other person outside of my friends and he said that it was 'very good and it could be better.' 

So praise, excitement, and pride are definitely on the list, and then there's also worry, and fright keeping me very grounded. Until I get a message back from an Agent saying - 'Yes, we'd like to take you on and sell your book' - then I stay my quiet self (HAHA).

But I keep getting the feeling that Real Magic, now it's almost over, helped me block out the real issues in my mind. While I was lost in my imagination, pretending things were fine, or not if you've read the story, I've been ignoring the rest of the world.

It hit me yesterday, when I was pegging out washing of all things. My sister had a monopoly on the car all week, and I said, at the start of the week, that I wanted it on Saturday. This sparked an argument as she was planning to go to Bristol to shop, by herself might I add. I had another plan I hadn't suggested to people yet, and that was to drive certain parties to Tintern Abbey, as it had been the plan before a while messy situation.

Now, me having not invited the parties yet, as it was Monday, and I thought I'd do it later in the day, meant that my plans were still up in the air. I didn't know whether people would be free or not, I hadn't checked. So Natalie's going to Bristol tomorrow and I'm not going to Tintern Abbey.

The parties in question, you've guessed it, were Dark Horse and HB Sauce. So you can watch as the anger built up in me. I could have started to make amends again, being stunted as you know by the busy day coffee offer in the previous blog, but I couldn't.

And then I saw, later on, that Dark Horse had bought a car, the thought of everyone moving on with their lives weighed on me, as I'm still unable to get a job because no one wants to give me one, and therefore I'm not able to move out, etc.

And then, while pegging out washing, all these thoughts hit me at once, from my Sister's selfishness, to Dark Horse's car (I think it's partly HB's as well, but I don't know where she got the money from), and then I thought - perhaps they'd go to Tintern Abbey by themselves. 

Perhaps they'd go do something I'd suggested, without me, perhaps they'd also go to Warwick Castle as HB suggested, and perhaps visit GG and go to Glastonbury Tor without me as well. It brought a tear to my eye and I broke a few pegs as well. I was so angry, and the whole time I could hear Pill's voice saying - 'You know they'd planned to go for ages, and they went.'

WTF?!

No they hadn't, it was my suggestion, my contribution, and I'd feel very upset if they did it without me. HB and I were talking about Venice a long while before Dark Horse came along, Assassin's Creed 2 saw to that, and then there was the entire European Tour we planned one summer, I've still got the journey map, are you going to claim that they planned all that by themselves as well?! And then he'd go on to say: 'You know, they talk every day, they're best friends.'

ARGH!

And all the while, as I'm saying and thinking that I used to speak everyday, for hours, to HB, and how we were best friends (sorry Clareg, we're best friends as well, you understand), I just feel like I've been replaced. Left out in the cold, with no way of getting back in. 

It's nice to have everyone's support and friendship, it's really nice, and I don't want you guys to ever feel like I've been replacing you, ignoring you, or using you, ever - but know this, and you might understand, it's just not the same without HB. 

I miss all the moments, and all the times, and everything, unique to us. And I fear that she doesn't - also because of something Pill said, but I won't get into that.

It's like if Clareg and I weren't best friends nearly all our lives. He wouldn't have become friendly with Clareyloo earlier on and it might have taken a while longer for them to get together. And I would have been that guy who knew everyone's names and likes and dislikes, but no one would have known me. 

HB gave me someone to really talk to about anything and everything, nearly all times of the day - except the mornings - she hates mornings. 

I miss everything...and now I'm crying, why am I crying?! Come on man, man up! Let's go play L.A. Noire...

Oh...but before I go, I should mention that after the anger and everything, the xbox couldn't distract me, nor cooking, but my Brother put on Dead Poets Society, and I was wonderfully reminded...

Carpe Diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. I should also mention that without Real Magic distracting me, I might be writing more of these, but without it distracting me, you might also get a lot more anger from me. Who knows...