High Bake Off Fidelity...

Needless to say, this day off isn't really required because I've only been in work for two days, but I'll take it nonetheless, and I'll regret it if I don't, so where do I start?

Like most Tuesdays, it was an ordinary day until about Lunchtime when I connected my phone to Game's Free WiFi (shhh, they don't know we can do that from our side of the wall), and received an invite to Tag and Cherry's for bolognese and Bake Off. Who was I to refuse such a kind offer? I asked whether or not I could invite Pill (he's always going on about how he never gets invited anywhere) and I did. Thankfully, as we had already had this discussion (me and he), he couldn't come out due to time restraints, i.e. he wouldn't be able to stay for very long and therefore decided not to come.

It was no bother to me, and instead of rushing home after work to gather a few over night things, switch off my alarm clock, and other shit like that, I ran to the station straight after work, and caught the earliest train I could catch, passing Bargin Booze along the way to Number 69. I got there and drank and ate and watched RomComs and Bake Off until we all fell asleep and the cat crawled on my face a few times. 

Unfortunately it had conspired that Red couldn't make it on this occasion so we were more or less transported to the place in time that we were at almost a year ago (and that's transported mentally rather than geographically), and in that meaning I mean that we ate, sat, and watched RomComs with John Cusack in and not much else. It was even odd to note that I slept upstairs for the first time in a long while, and I think I may have kicked something I shouldn't have in my sleep. 

We watched High Fidelity and I was going to run through a few Top 5's, but I'm sure that'd bore you to death, or not, who knows. I have already written a Top 5 blog thing, a year ago when I watched High Fidelity believe it or not, maybe you could read that instead? Although, on second thoughts, and second reading, it looks like a child has written it. It's amazing to see the difference a year can make to writing style alone, among other things.

I remember being quite conscious at one point, just eyes closed, thinking about the world and stuff, all the while with a constant drip-drip-drip going on just to the left of me and a persisting thought that I was actually sleeping alone in their house. It wasn't a comfortable feeling. But then a clawing at the door meant that the demon kitty was on the prowl and that it was in fact, close to dawn.

I rose from my slumber closer to the time of day ordinary people wake up and woke the house (as always) and we were soon adventuring to the village of Cowbridge and then to Coffee at Tag's work. 

Now, it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to write a blog tomorrow morning, due to my 9-5, but I'm looking forward to a night at the Theatre with the guys, and I might actually get some writing done. Hey, look at me trying to predict the future...

Carpe diem...

Toxic Thoughts...

I figured out, quite a long time ago, that no one really ever wanted or wants to do what I want to do. Its probably why I tend not to celebrate my birthday. A day for just me? Who would want that? And that sort of thought process has probably influenced me and my personality most of all. I imagine most people view me as a pushover, someone who just does what they're told and doesn't try to rock the boat. But beneath the surface all I'm thinking about is everyone else's happiness, because if they're happy, I'll be happy, right? Well, for the most part that's true... (And I hate thinking that people aren't actually happy, and there's nothing in the world I can do to help.)

I confronted Pill last night about the Roast Dinner thing, and I asked him whether or not he thought I was living a toxic lifestyle, no commitments, just a whim and an urge to go and do things. He told me something I wasn't expecting. He said that I was a genuinely nice guy and that he didn't want people to take advantage of the generosity and kindness I'm capable of. He thinks I should never change, because the world needs genuinely nice guys, but something needs to happen, and I can't continue to go the way I'm going. But he doesn't think I live toxicly and admits that he too has taken advantage of me.

Needless to say, I was taken aback (trust Pill to give an analytical answer) and somewhat responded in a way slightly more aggressive than I wanted to. I told him I was fine with being taken advantage of because I knew it was happening, and I was fine with it, because my friends were doing it. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't be so lucky I'm sure. But after all that I can't help but think whether or not its a good thing. I know I've reasoned it to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for me? 

Another rather interesting thing happened to me yesterday too. I had a customer who read me. It was odd, after all, she only wanted a teddy bear, but read me nonetheless. And when I say read, I mean she analysed the way I spoke and came to a conclusion (or I assume she did). She suspected that I might have had a stutter when I was a child/teenager (correct) and that I thought I overcame that stutter (I have, haven't I?) but the simple pauses and elongated thoughts told her otherwise. Apparently, there's too much in my head trying to get out, and that's why half the time my sentences don't make sense or I start speaking and forget I'm doing so and stop again. She suggested I just start talking and see where that got me, get things off my chest and shit like that, and I thanked her for her advice and she bought the teddy. But like fuck am I doing that. I don't even know what I would say (lies) or to who I would say it (lies) or even why (lies). It was quite a hard hitting day to be honest...

I awkwardly met with Red in the morning to hand back a necklace she had left at mine, she was the only one in her shop, I could have stayed longer and chatted for a bit. It would have been a nice start to the day because then I was busy as soon as I started work up until about 3pm, when I realised that it was 3pm, and I hadn't sold anything, again. I miss Cherry working in town, and our subsequent Le Lake Poob meetings. The young days of our relationship together, winter to summer, and now winter is coming again (snow next month, Pill says)...

I'm getting a sort of mild case of paranoia at the moment, I'm not sure whether it's because of my mental state or because I live on Green Street, but paranoia nonetheless. I feel like everyone's talking about me, and that things are being said, planned, and done without me. I don't know. It's an odd one.

I miss the quiet calm of summer...

Carpe diem...

An Off Day...

Yesterday I was late. Now I don't know about you, but I like to think of myself as quite a punctual person, I'm not sure about presentable and polite, they're both subjective, but punctuality was certainly something I was good at - until I got my dates mixed up, and whilst brushing my teeth at 9:05am I realised that it was my blue moon shift (9-5) instead of my usual (10-7). I spat out the tooth paste, grabbed everything, and ran - alas dear reader, I had not the opportunity to saunter to Tesco and purchase a breakfast like I thought I was going to. I ran all the way to work, and apologised very muchly for my tardiness, caught my breathe and went to work...

Tag and Red came to visit a couple of times, and that was probably the highlight of my day. Customers drove them away though (bloody customers)...

After work, it got a bit weird too. I was home early, and Pill wasn't - I did the washing up and perused the internet for nothing in particular. I think I'm going to get a keyboard for my kindle, just so I can pretend to be a high-class business man on the train to London at the end of the month. Who knows? I've also been thinking about what my Mother has gotten me for my birthday, considering she was in Cardiff to buy it a couple of weeks ago. My birthday's not until November. I did find a school friend's blog yesterday too, he used to be quite a good friend and we grew apart as we all seem to have done. And I saw another old school friend of mine (with a baby) in the shop, and the person who helped me and my friends when we were mugged. It was weird seeing them all grown up. But anyway, moving on...

Pill and DarkHorse arrived a little later with shopping, some of which I had already done (we now have four loaves of bread), Pill set about getting ready to do my exercises and I heard the timers go off, I knew he was done. DarkHorse forbade him from doing another Set (something I haven't tried yet either), but he came out exhausted, drenched (soaked!), and he congratulated me on being able to do that three times a week with heavier weights. 

Then he cooked curry (again) and I managed to smash a glass. He called me a twat and then we began a back and forth that was wonderfully immature. I called him a 'garlic knob' and he looked disgusted. We laughed, trying to picture what a garlic knob would actually be like (the answer is horrible), then great white buffalo was mentioned, and then we got back onto the HTC game - mostly for DarkHorse's amusement. I showed them the trailer to Filth - and they really want to see it too. And then they sat down to watch Black Butler - an anime that's not as racist as it sounds - and I sat with them for a while. 

I almost napped, but I went to bed instead. Last night I dreamt of plug-in air freshener, I was woken by a dripping gutter outside at 4am, Pill slammed the door on his way out at 6am, and my alarm woke me up at 7:30am. All in all, not a very restful night's sleep at all. Tomorrow, I aim to sleep well - fingers crossed...

Carpe diem...

Normality?...

So, it turns out in the black recesses of the night, I still have dark thoughts. It actually turns out that in the bright gloom of the afternoon sun, I also have dark thoughts. For instance I was walking home yesterday, and I wondered what it would be like to get hit by a speeding car, if it jumped the red light as I was crossing the road...

I'm not sure whether that was a dark thought or just me trying to envisage the scene and the feelings and the hurt involved, both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I think I'm probably weird for that thought alone, but then even while Pill was here I continued the stream of badness. It turns out, I have to be told something's a secret for me not to tell anyone else about it. I think that annoys Pill the most about me. Perhaps there is something mentally wrong with me. Will I go see someone about it? Probably not, because I don't think there's anything wrong with me. Every human being has the capability of imagining and experiencing exactly the same things, given time. I suppose the car hitting one is most influential because of my father and grandmother. But hey, maybe not.

I also came to the conclusion, whilst talking to workmates, that I'm not the best when it comes to series decisions, topics, or life-altering events. If you ask me anything along those lines, my mouth (which is already a stupid talking tool) says something I don't mean, or a blue joke no-one gets but me, and I ultimately look stupid. However, give me a day to think about things, maybe even shorter on occasion, and I can give you my actual opinion and feelings towards the matter at hand. I'm stupid, and quite emotionally retarded when it comes to most things actually. And I have no idea why...

Or perhaps I'm just being silly and questioning things that aren't there, or normal things altogether. Pill made me sit and watch Pirates yesterday. It wasn't unpleasant, but as I'm going on a home-visit on the weekend (not sure which day) he wants me to bring back the other two Pirates, that aren't on Netflix. 

I'm already missing the sun. Soon it'll be autumn, where walks through the park will be even more colourful, birthdays, Halloween, bonfire night, are all going to be awesome, and then it'll be the hugging weather, and the best time of year (behind summer obvs), Christmas. A time of warmth, love, caring, and even more fun. I think this has been the best year so far, a year where I've actually been able to do stuff, lots of stuff, and not regret a single expenditure. But I'll save the summary for New Year's Day, like always...

Until then, Carpe diem...

There's Clearly Something There That Wasn't There Before...?

Yet again, in the whole confusion of my mind and soul I find myself thinking this same question over and over again. Should I or shouldn't I?

I think you all know by now, as you've all clearly read the previous ninety-seven posts that I am almost certainly obsessed/in love/stalking/whatever you want to call it with a woman named HB Sauce (names and descriptions are often left out here due to my unwillingness to spread the word and generally acknowledge these thoughts). Well recently again, as its happened before and it will no doubt happen again and again until something changes, I've been seeing things that might not probably exist and are just the friendly advances of a girl I have fancied for donks - and for you American readers, and generally everyone else 'donks' is not an action but a measure of time, like giffy and mandellas.

Anyway, you know this, and I know this, and I'm quite sure that even she knows this, but it's a hard thing not to discuss anything of the sort with anyone I know, and even here, due to the denial factor in my head not willing to hear negative feedback. I can take criticism and negativity about anything and everything in life and my writing but not about this subject. I don't know why, maybe I'm just not attached to any of the above...that makes me sound like a bad writer - scrap the entire paragraph!

Either way, I can't get this thought out of my head that she actually likes me and that I should do something about it. And if that wasn't enough to urge me on, certain comments from both our families expect us to have done so already or we will do soon. And yet again that's just get together and not something sordid. So as you can see there's not only pressure in my head but also in my life...it's unneeded pressure indeed, but reassuring, if not misleading.

I should mention here that our families spent a bit of time together over the Christmas and New Year period - my mother is friends with HB's Aunt and has been before HB and I knew about one and other. Its just a very odd situation to be in, her extended family seems to know me by name and she continually hangs out with me and, in fact, we're going to have Sushi tomorrow before coming back to mine for a movie and maybe some telly.

Hang on? Are we dating? Is that what this is? Are we dating without actually saying that we're dating? I don't know why I use the term 'date' it might be due to the fact that I have never had one, and I'm actually completely naive in the ways of intimacy and subtlety and women for that matter. That doesn't mean that I'm much better at understanding the ways of men, but I like to think so, as I am one. Either way, my head has just gotten round to thinking that we are actually, to use the term, 'going out'.

I'm almost definitely being stupid, but if you've got any advice on the matter then please don't hesitate to comment.

She's being friendly and I'm more than likely misreading the signs again. I've never been this close to a girl before, and I hate that I can't say anything, or at least feel like I can't because we've 'talked' before. I don't think I ever got a word in edge ways in those talks and I probably went with whatever she wanted. Well I've changed a lot since those 'talks' but my feelings haven't. There must be something wrong with me, I must have blocked out all the 'talks' and plowed on through. I'm a mental...

Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough for the time being, I've got to go prepare some vegetables now. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...