Good Start...

Life is a game in which the player must appear to be ridiculous...

There aren't many better ways to start the day than at dawn, with a warm shower and then out into the fresh crisp morning, before the sun has crept over the buildings of the city to have a walk down the river to the station. All the while with a big grin on your face from the music your iPod is coming out with. And then you merely run into, by chance, a friend at the station and wander round for a good catch-up and a coffee.

Love the one you hold, and I'll be your goal to have and to hold, a lover of the light. Followed by...

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back. Well tell her that I miss our little talks, soon it will be over and buried with our past. We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love...

And needless to say a man chat followed...

*The details have been deleted and no records can be found.*

It was nice to hang out with Tag again. It's seemed like such a long time. And things appear to be hotting up in Downton Abbey. The Lord's Wife nearly died, and he's been having a bit of a fling with a House Maid, meanwhile a Maid and a Butler have been married and he's subsequently been arrested for the murder of his former Wife. And now it's Christmas. 

All in all, it's been an alright day of far. I've even been to the market, and done the washing. Red came to see me last night as we were shutting the shop and she made me think in a more positive fashion than I have done so in a while. It was a good thought. And so far, these 11 Days of work before a 3-day weekend seem most worthwhile.

Positivity and Prosperousness be among us all. Carpe diem...

Toxic Thoughts...

I figured out, quite a long time ago, that no one really ever wanted or wants to do what I want to do. Its probably why I tend not to celebrate my birthday. A day for just me? Who would want that? And that sort of thought process has probably influenced me and my personality most of all. I imagine most people view me as a pushover, someone who just does what they're told and doesn't try to rock the boat. But beneath the surface all I'm thinking about is everyone else's happiness, because if they're happy, I'll be happy, right? Well, for the most part that's true... (And I hate thinking that people aren't actually happy, and there's nothing in the world I can do to help.)

I confronted Pill last night about the Roast Dinner thing, and I asked him whether or not he thought I was living a toxic lifestyle, no commitments, just a whim and an urge to go and do things. He told me something I wasn't expecting. He said that I was a genuinely nice guy and that he didn't want people to take advantage of the generosity and kindness I'm capable of. He thinks I should never change, because the world needs genuinely nice guys, but something needs to happen, and I can't continue to go the way I'm going. But he doesn't think I live toxicly and admits that he too has taken advantage of me.

Needless to say, I was taken aback (trust Pill to give an analytical answer) and somewhat responded in a way slightly more aggressive than I wanted to. I told him I was fine with being taken advantage of because I knew it was happening, and I was fine with it, because my friends were doing it. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't be so lucky I'm sure. But after all that I can't help but think whether or not its a good thing. I know I've reasoned it to be a good thing, but is it a good thing for me? 

Another rather interesting thing happened to me yesterday too. I had a customer who read me. It was odd, after all, she only wanted a teddy bear, but read me nonetheless. And when I say read, I mean she analysed the way I spoke and came to a conclusion (or I assume she did). She suspected that I might have had a stutter when I was a child/teenager (correct) and that I thought I overcame that stutter (I have, haven't I?) but the simple pauses and elongated thoughts told her otherwise. Apparently, there's too much in my head trying to get out, and that's why half the time my sentences don't make sense or I start speaking and forget I'm doing so and stop again. She suggested I just start talking and see where that got me, get things off my chest and shit like that, and I thanked her for her advice and she bought the teddy. But like fuck am I doing that. I don't even know what I would say (lies) or to who I would say it (lies) or even why (lies). It was quite a hard hitting day to be honest...

I awkwardly met with Red in the morning to hand back a necklace she had left at mine, she was the only one in her shop, I could have stayed longer and chatted for a bit. It would have been a nice start to the day because then I was busy as soon as I started work up until about 3pm, when I realised that it was 3pm, and I hadn't sold anything, again. I miss Cherry working in town, and our subsequent Le Lake Poob meetings. The young days of our relationship together, winter to summer, and now winter is coming again (snow next month, Pill says)...

I'm getting a sort of mild case of paranoia at the moment, I'm not sure whether it's because of my mental state or because I live on Green Street, but paranoia nonetheless. I feel like everyone's talking about me, and that things are being said, planned, and done without me. I don't know. It's an odd one.

I miss the quiet calm of summer...

Carpe diem...