I'm Scared...

Hi Guys, it's been a sort of longish time - but not if you're me or a time-traveller...

Today's blog is inspired by this video:

So, if you watched that you must be thinking, what?

Why am I scared? Why am I worried about life? I've just been to Venice, and had an awesome holiday, I have an amazing job - my last two shifts involved flying helicopters for 18-hours, and I have a manuscript still landing on the desks of Agencies and Publishing Houses all over the country. So, what am I scared of?

To be frightfully honest, I'm scared of letting people down. Well, that's the main one. At the moment, my priorities are my job. This is my first full-time job, and I hope that I'm actually good at it (I'm happy there at the moment, I know that much). My colleagues are superb, uplifting, and really funny. 

Though at the same time I realise that The Writing People (wearethewritingpeople.co.uk) seems to be lagging behind because of it. Now I feel like that's due to my inability to do anything about it when I'm on the job, my second let-down, which is tied into the first is the Prince's Trust money. I don't think I'm going to have time to think about what to spend it on, or even research it. 

I just don't know where my head's at with the whole project.

Thirdly, some of you might know that I've been doing a Creative Writing Course for the Bridgend Youth Service. I've definitely not gotten as far with it as I would have liked, and yet again I feel like I'm letting them down.

I feel like I've been lagging behind in general - I started writing this on Sunday, and it's now Tuesday (FYI). I don't know - it's weird.

But I know, I'm loving this job - don't you doubt it either.

I also hate to say it, but I'm still confused about what is happening between HB and I - perhaps confused is the wrong word. I don't know. That's a whole other blog...again...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...!

Square One...

It's been a busy week...

Let me explain.

And I'll start with yesterday, for reasons I don't really know. I arrived, hopefully, for the last time at the Job Centre. I've been going there almost every Wednesday for the last nine-months. Yesterday, I signed on, to get next week's money, only to sign off.

What a momentous occasion. I'm now off benefits and Monday I go to my Hamleys training. A new era of my life starts, and its going to be a big change.

Tuesday, a review I wrote came second in it's category and that was cool and stuff.

Monday, I went shopping with HB...

I know, I have no idea where I stand. Ignores me for three-months, and then arranges shopping trips and late-lunches. Hmm...

It was a really fun day, and we spent a bit of money, but now I think I'm more than confused. And then, yesterday she just dropped by mine to borrow some DVDs and hand-back a Cake Dish of mine. It was odd, and I'm convinced I was rude on both occasions now that I think about it...but not intentionally if that's what you were thinking.

I really don't know. My mind is being lazy today...in a week's time the gang and I shall be in Venezia, and everything will be fine...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Confusion Is A Plague...

Erm...yeah...

Today I got to spend five hours in a car with my family. So after the singalongs, reading, writing, and wordsearches, I got back to the worrying...

I should mention that we were visiting family and the grave of my grandma, grandpa, and uncle. It's been two years since grandpa died. Where has the time gone?

But I got to worrying and then to scratching. I've discovered I have eczema again, a lovely dry, itchy, and irritable skin condition I was plagued with as a child. Mum tells me she was always taking me to the doctors for it. They thought it was stress related...

Now I'm older, I can understand that. Stress, well, I never thought this feeling was stress but...

And then, once home, she text me out of the blue...you can imagine my mind blew a fuse. I think we're going to Swansea tomorrow for some shopping. Should I have said no, I'm busy and spent yet another day on the xbox?

Probably not. I'll let you know how it goes.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

The Return...

Well that was a nice break from the thoughts...

My worry for my future and my distractions from the real world (i.e. Real Magic and my 'art') seemed to quell them for a little while. I'm sure I don't need to tell you what thoughts, but they're there and flooding back.

I'm worrying again about things beyond my control...I know I can try and do something else, but I'm sure you'd agree that I've fucked things up before, and I'm bound to do it again...

I realised today that I say some stupid things, unintentionally, when it comes to her. I tried to be comforting and encouraging but that turned into a conversation about employment that I don't think was helpful at all. Then DarkHorse wades in and offers to read over cover letters and things...

WHY DIDN'T I SAY THAT?!

Damn I'm such a moron. This holiday is going to be good. Everything is going to be set back to zero. Friendships renewed...to quote Tag (fyi I will come to yours for Christmas if you set it up. I won't be able to go home afterwards and mum will burn all my stuff in the garden, but I'll come to yours.)

I know I should stop worrying about this, its not my problem, I'm not required anymore, but I can't stop thinking.

Things are moving forward, so why is my mind determined to drag me down again?

I felt a bit odd today when I found out that Cherrybelly had spent a good two hours in a bookshop with her. God damn it! I'm not allowed to have these thoughts/feelings...

I don't think its going to go away anytime soon. I was being a tit at her birthday too. Oh why am I a stupid fucker?!

I practised how to smile earlier. Seriously, practised how to smile! And you know why? Because I was invited to a party by her aunt, and she could have been there. Why was I practising how to smile for fuck sake?!

We're friends aren't we? Oh I don't know...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Tag? If you and Cherry want, I could see if you could come here if the Flat Christmas doesn't happen at Christmas...

What A Difference A Phone Call Makes...

It's strange how a phone call can change a mood...

As you know I've been going to the Job Centre for 9 months now, that's almost once a week, 15 mins, on average, a week, so let me do the maths for you...

9 months, 36 weeks, 36 days, 9 hours, 540 minutes, 32400 seconds and during my time there I successfully applied for 633 jobs, which amounts to 17 jobs a week. Now, you might know this and you might not, but I had until the end of this month to find employment otherwise I would be subjected to the Work Program. 

I finally twigged that the Work Program was the scheme everyone was up in arms about at the start of the year, forcing Job Seekers into work for their benefit. The idea being giving them the experience of a part-time job, anywhere, for the sum of £114 a fortnight. As you can imagine - we Job Seekers didn't like the sound of that because if we have a part-time job, we'd rather like the the minimum hourly wage that comes with it, so that's about £198 a fortnight. You can see why people would be up in arms about it.

So yeah, I went to the Job Centre today, and I was talking to Mel there. And she was saying how sorry she was, and how they felt like they had let me down (it wasn't them, it was all the employers I applied too). So I left there today, returned home, and I started watching Bake-Off: Revisited while applying for another position somewhere else, and then came the phone call...

I can't say much at the moment, because I don't know very much, but I'm very happy to tell you all that I am now a full-time demonstrator for Hamleys in Cardiff.

CARPE FUCKING DIEM! Until next time bloggers...

P.S. You should have heard the cheer I made when I got off the phone to Hamleys...

P.S.S. I'm just going to play Xbox all day now to celebrate I think XD

The One With Mental Disorders...

I had yet another bad night's sleep last night...

I'm actually amazed that I haven't complained about all the sleeplessness/restlessness here before. Last night was a particularly rough one, as my dreams started off with a rather embarrassing scene involving me in a church, during a wedding, and I wasn't the groom...

I hope you can see where this is going, because, needless to say, there was embarrassment and a rather cliffhanger ending, though I think I know how it would have ended. 

This then led on to a dream whereby our car was being sized up by thieves in our driveway. Upon me seeing this, I confronted them and was then confronted with a knife. As you can imagine, it wasn't a pleasant experience. I slammed the front door and locked it. My brother had phoned the police, but the swines got away before they arrived. 

It was those two events of my mind that led to yet another disturbed night.

This all amounts to a tremendous amount of anxiety on my part. A brilliant day in limbo, and I should add that my father thinks I'm either suicidal or schizophrenic. Both topics he apparently takes quite seriously. I understand the suicide one - context to follow - but he blamed the schizophrenic idea on my mother. It all spans from an employment talk we had, to which I said (apparently) that suicide was the next option...

I don't remember saying that, ever. Maybe it was a joke gone wrong on my deaf father. Though I suppose when you see suicide, the way Dad does I suppose jokes about it are no joking matter.

Context: about twenty years ago, Dad's Best Friend - also named Nigel - took his own life. He was a stockbroker or something, and it was yet another recession time. Not a good time indeed.

Dad also worried, quite early on in Clareg and I's friendship that one day one of us might go that way as well. I think that was purely because of a similarity. He hasn't mentioned it since...probably because I was about twelve at the time. 

5-days down, 2 to go. Fingers crossed.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers... 

3 Days In, 4 to Go...

It's been a peculiar week, sort of...

HB and I got the chance to hang-out a bit, on Monday, we didn't talk about anything in particular (you know the stuff that keeps cropping up in my mind) but it was really nice and fun - or I hope so anyway...

I went to an interview with Hamleys...

...OMG that was a brilliant interview - I hope it went well for me, because I'm definitely going to be jealous of those people who get the job if I don't. (And I know you hate it LisbethRose, but it seems like soo much fun.) Basically, the interview consisted of three parts.

1. The Warm-Up - after the original meet and greet we were welcomed into the actual group interview stages with much gusto and asked to remove all coats and bags. We were then instructed to put our hands on our hips and lunge. We were told to do this by the cheeriest and most energetic Aussie I've ever seen (imagine children's television after a few drinks, and a backpacking trip across the out-back).

2. The Group Stages - we were then separated into three-groups by the Aussie and taken to different booths - this entire process took place in Tiger Tiger in Cardiff, if you were wondering. My group were firstly asked to design a toy, even though we considered my idea of a Desk Unicorn, we only had a minute to discuss and design the toy. Each one of us had to speak, and for four strangers it was an experience. After that game were we taken to a booth of toys, told to choose one and sell it back to the instructor in 45 seconds. And finally we were presented with a table of upside-down cards, each with a discussion point on them. We had 40 seconds to describe and discuss our chosen card. I picked up a card that read 'Balloons are fun because...'

3. The Interview - after the group stages were were lined up and told it was a knock out stage, I made it through to the application form and I got the opportunity to interview with David (who's first day it was being a manager with Hamleys in Cardiff). We talked about Video Games and my previous experience, etc., etc., and I was told that I would hear something in the next 7-9 days.

So, fingers-crossed...

But the one thing that's currently bugging me is that I'm bored. To be honest, I'm not actually bored, I suppose I could say I'm lonely, but that's probably not the case either. I got to have lunch with both Cherrybelly and Tag separately (sort of) after my interview, but really my mind keeps going back to the HB thing. 

You knew it would, I knew it would, and I've been fighting this urge to just text and ask 'I don't suppose you'd like to hang-out this week?'

And that's probably why I'm writing this here now, so I don't actually text, blah, blah, blah. Oh I don't know. I get the feeling that I can't be the first one to ask anything. I've got to play it cool and subtle (oh God I'm going to fail at this!) 

I know she's bored, I can tell, she changes games on an hourly basis, I noticed that she was playing all the Mass Effects again recently, and now it's all the Dragon Age's. Probably in anticipation for some announcement of number 3. Well who knows?

Staying strong...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Worries...

My Father just blew me right out of the water...

If you hadn't heard, tomorrow's D-Day, my Hamleys Interview. Well, I shouldn't call it D-Day, I am optimistic, or at least I was. My Father just turned round to me and said, 'You know, Venice will still be there in the future, this job might not be.'

God damnit he's right! 

I wish I was employed by now. I know he's right, but Venice is the one thing I've been looking forward to for such a long while now. The light in the dark as it were. I don't know.

Before you start to worry, I'm not not going to Venice. Like I say, it is the one thing I've been looking forward to for a very long while now, but the question is, is my enjoyment worth more than my employability?

I don't even know why I'm questioning this if I've already made my mind up that I'm going on Holiday.

On another note, I hate being Wished Luck. I don't mind if people wish me luck in their minds and prayers, but in person, in text, in email, is all quite nerve-making. It doesn't do me well. 

If you couldn't tell, I'm a bit nervous now. My suit is prepped and ready, and I hope I'll get a good night's rest of the morning train. Perhaps I'll see Cherrybelly and Tag on their way to work, and perhaps we'll go have lunch or something.

I've been thinking about what I'm going to do if I don't get this job. I've been thinking that I might pack a bag and just start walking. I'll take the dog with me as well, she always wants to walk. I'll just keep walking, getting away from life as much as I can, it obviously doesn't want me. But then I think, winter is coming, and Venice is just around the corner.

I know it's all very stupid, but I can see why Cherrybelly worries all the time now. Life is hard, and it's just getting harder.

I really hope I win the lottery on the weekend, or get Real Magic published soon, then I can say that I've not wasted my time, I've not been idle. And all the worry can go away...

...it can go away for everyone if I win the lottery. I was working it out the other night, no one would have debt, everyone would be happy and free.

Oh I don't know...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Leaving Middle Earth...

I close shut the plain plastic door of my house, leaving behind Middle Earth, YouTube, and my wannabe friend Dread. He's not the nice kind of friend, but he tries to hang out with me anyway, nosing his way into everything I do, distracting, retching, disturbing me.

I make footsteps down my street. The Autumn is here, bright sunshine and a violent wind, twenty-seven-degrees and the dark shade, minus-twenty on a good day. The sun is blinding, but I think I hear a door slam behind me, a brass-knocker forced into soundy life. The peace of suburbia is ruined and cars chugger past me, making me divert my route. Over-weight delivery men and dog-walkers all in cars, all quiet except their screaming eyes.

They look at me as I pass them and I look back, defiant of their thoughts. A noise like falling rocks sounds behind me, but I don't turn round, I know what it is. Dread is following me. He always does, lingering behind me somewhere.

My mind crosses paths un-thought of, possibilities of grandeur and fame and a worriless future, all the while focusing back on Dread and the what-ifs he brings.

Entering town I see the lives of others, from silver-suited devils, business men with slick black hair, waiting in line at the chain bakery with the unemployed fathers and the teen mums. There's no burberry culture here, only cheap two-piece joggers and hoods, white scuffed trainers and a cap to match. Each with a cigarette in their mouths and a toothless smile on their faces.

They'll be on the town tonight, I thought, after the babies have gone to bed and are left alone. I suppose that's one way of coping with the hand life has dealt you. Smoking's a bad habit that turns into an addiction, but is it more a distraction from life? A five-minute window of enjoyment that turns into a three-hour break with a forty-a-day attitude.

I avoid them as best I can, as you would if you were me. Dread has caught up with me now. I can hear him breathing down my neck.

I cross the threshold of the Unemployed Temple, march my way through the lower floors and up the stairs, as is my routine. I've been doing this every Wednesday for nine-months, still to no avail. Every time I enter here it's customary to donate some of your hope so others may have the chance at some. Nine-months is a long time, my reserves are low. Dread knows this.

I make an offering to a Priestess, wishing her well as she gives me luck. She doesn't see Dread waiting patiently behind me, or she ignores him. Her business is with luck, she hands that out, bucketfuls at a time. I leave there, ignoring the others. Employed talking to Unemployed. Some wishing they were the other, the others just getting high on the free luck.

I'm welcomed back to the streets with the crowds of unemployed and silver-suits. The crying babies and homeless. Shop windows stare blankly into the town, hollow shells hoping to be filled once more. But like I say, nine-months is a long time and there's not much hope to go around.

I do what I can, thinking about things that I could achieve here if I had the means and the ability, but then Dread reminds me that I should focus on myself. I should get myself out of the pit everyone is apart of. Stand on the backs of the unfortunate and the needy, but I can't even help myself.

The pub spews out cigarette smoke and more unemployeds, it's not even lunchtime yet. Holiday shoppers, early but still hopeful, cling to their bags of gifts, preparing themselves for the onslaught of abuse. I pass a pair of men, I overhear them, it sounds foreign to me, but the odd word is familiar. Is that what communication has come to? A secret language of the masses. Screams and cries, and mumbles and shrugs. Toothless laughter and deceptive smiles.

I make my way home, stealing some hope and warmth from a couple holding hands on the bridge. They're disabled mentally but they're making the best out of fate's misfortune. Neither worries, neither cares. Life goes on around them. The flooded river flows, and they have time to sit and stare. I envy them. I used to be able to sit and watch, but not anymore.

Two sirens screech out onto the street as I make my way home. I hope that someone has died. It's selfish of me, I know, but there'll be more hope to go around.

I catch a sun-dewed cobweb nestled in the knot of a tree and I'm reminded of the beauty and hope and wonders of the world around me. I'm relived slightly. I know this can't go on forever, it has to come to an end at some point. I smile at the thought. Dread points to the plastic bottles shipwrecked on the banks of the brook, and a discarded trolly.

I open my front door again, and I lock him behind me. I know it's not long before Dread finds a way back in, but for now I can return to Middle Earth and YouTube.

To? Or Not To?...

After the weekend's celebrations I have to say I'm somewhat conflicted...

On the one hand, even though I had a great time, and I hope so did everyone else, I kinda got the feeling that we were still skimming over issues and ignoring the bigger picture. I mean, it's not me is it, but HB does seem to talk about how she hates to be single every time alcohol is involved?

And in fact, as previously mentioned, she got a bit distort about it and went to the kitchen accompanied by the girlies and Tag, plus her parents (who are brilliant on any occasion). I wonder what happened in there. I know it must have been something of that sort because nearly everyone went in there and I was strongly advised not to join in, for reasons that I have concluded above. Am I right in thinking that Tag?

But then, whilst sober the next morning, and indeed the day after when we spent some considerable time together alone (considerable being considerable in the context of absence for three-months). I almost said something at Sushi before Tag and Cherrybelly arrived, but I held my tongue. It was her birthday after all, and I didn't want to ruin the situation.

Now I have to say that I'm very confused. I have no doubt that there's still an underlying hatred there, but why cover it up? (Obviously to be civil you numpty.) I did find out that during the three-months apart she was as bored as I was, with the added exception that I get invited to Carmarthenshire parties and she does not (I wonder why that is). And she has told me that I'm now going to be doing our Creative Writing Course by myself (something I've definitely let slip away, and I'm now dreading more than ever due to time and effort for no guaranteed outcome - and yet at the same time I don't want to let anyone down). Mum thinks I should focus on myself and stop all these charity work/payments (I was suckered into Greenpeace last week) - but more on that later.

Anyway, two minds. Do I continue to ignore her, even though I had fun on the weekend, and I was grateful she invited me out on Monday to celebrate her birthday (she said she had fun on Monday as well, might I add), or do I try to have a conversation with her and see where that gets me?

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Tag, I hope you get your deserved day off tomorrow.

The Shire Can't Shandle Me...

As you may or may not know HB had her birthday party on the weekend...

Yes, it was awkward, and then the drink happened. Everyone (mostly) got very drunk, and everyone fell back into how everything was. It was lovely, or so I thought.

There was one point in the night when HB's parents came back from partying and HB and the ladies went into the kitchen and left Me, Pill, and GG in the dinning room. I thought we should join them, but apparently not.

I admit I was drunk, I admit I was a bit of an arse, and I admit to not remembering very much (again). It's my fault, it always has been. 

GG told me something that I had been told before, but I didn't believe. I couldn't believe that, even my drunk self could say it: 'why won't you love me?'

That's the second time I've heard that, and it has definitely made me re-think everything I thought I knew. Is my subconscious/drunk-self really that lonely? (I would say desperate, but that's just offensive, and I don't mean it that way.) It really shocked me - I might have to think about that a bit more.

Something else that shocked me earlier in the night, was something I slightly heard when I was out of the room. DarkHorse thought I was too drunk and I think she said 'he just wants meaningless sex.' 

I get the feeling that DarkHorse doesn't like me. I mean, I know she's on HB's side, but that was harsh. It's as if she doesn't know me at all. Now I know, I over heard it, and I didn't hear everything, it might not have been about me, but if it was...

So after I made an idiot of myself (sorry, I thought I needed the drink, it certainly loosened me up a bit, also loosened my tongue - sorry Tag). I said things about people that I should have kept to myself, and I was being rather too friendly with all.

But HB and I definitely shared a moment (not one of those moments), and that gave me some hope that our friendship was on a mending road. All in all, it was a very successful evening...

But that's not all...

Today, HB's actual birthday, we met up with Tag and Cherrybelly for Sushi lunch. It was Me, HB, Tag, and Cherrybelly, just like old times. It was really nice.

And then Tag and Cherrybelly had to leave for work, and HB and I continued to hang out - like old times. If anyone was watching they could have easily mistaken it for one of our days out, shopping, coffee, laughter.

I think things are finally on the road to getting back to normal.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Now Leaving Hengoed...

So today was the day of the big interview...

You know the one, the Job at the Job Centre? Needless to say that the interview went swimmingly, I chatted for a while with a few people I knew (my interviewers), having been going to the Job Centre for 9 months now I've come to know a far few of the women up there.

I put a tie on as well, as per my Father's instruction (he wasn't too happy about me being offered such a job in the first place, so it was nice to have some input).

Interview over and done with I set off home with time to kill before Tag came along and we went to inspect his and Cherrybelly's new possible house. I also had time to kill before I heard how I got on from the interview. 

I played Skyrim - trying to ignore, as best as I could, that HB had rekindled my want to play during the week. Tag turned up, and we went on our merry way. I got a phone call...

Yep, I didn't get it. But I was close, apparently. It'll be interesting to see what people think on Wednesday, but meh, it would have been a good job, but I'm not too devastated. I also got some interview feedback, and apparently I interview well - so why did I not get the job? Experience probably.

So we went to the potential house, it was a nice house, in a bit of a dodgy area. I could see that Tag was a little disheartened because it had looked very good online - I suppose that's why you look at it in person before you make a commitment. 

It was a good view.

But we left Hengoed, or we tried too. It seemed, that the signs kept welcoming us to Hengoed, and we were never going to leave!

But we got out...no surprise there.

Passing through Caerphilly, I got another phone call...

It was Hamleys, the greatest toy shop in the world, just phoning to interview me, and then invite me to another interview on Thursday, no big deal.

We wondered around Cardiff waiting for Cherrybelly to finish work, witnessed many Scots and Police, and Horses (the Police were on them). We sat in the cold, and talked for a bit, Tag was trying to get me to talk to girls I really wasn't interested in. And I realised, that despite my whole day being busy, I realised I was doing something I didn't want to do... 

I thought of HB. I can't ignore her, I can't forget her, and it's bugging me. Admittedly, it always has been. I found out that everyone does know what I did, but they won't tell me. I have no idea why not. I think it would be useful knowledge, even if they don't think so.

Perhaps GG will know something tomorrow when I pick her up from the Station, before heading to HB's party. 

Yep, tomorrow's going to be an odd one...

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Better...

I will admit that yesterday was a very bad day...

I'm very lucky that none of you have ever seen me on one of my bad days, and if I have a bad day with you, I tend to be able to block it out with other activities.

I think Tag has been the one closest to seeing a bad day and that was on Branagh's Stag Do. But that wasn't a bad day, it was an episode mind.

Tag was also quite right in his blog yesterday. I suck at feelings and shit. I just can't explain them in person. I stumble over words, and I tend to hide behind humour and silence if I can. This blog is my safe area, its a large dose of emotions, on occasion, that people can drop in and out of. People can choose to read it or not, and I can get stuff off my chest. It's very simple. And with this being an unknown blog, its even easier, like a diary anyone can read, but only a few people have found.

But okay then...

Today was a much better day, obviously the thoughts of HB come and go, but they didn't linger today like they did yesterday. I woke up to a phone call from my lovely Job Centre Advisor saying something like:

'You know you said last week, were there any jobs going here at the Job Centre? There is a temporary position, would you like me to submit your CV for you?'

I answered 'Yes' of course, and hours later I received a phone call from someone else from the Job Centre I know, and she invited me to an interview with her on Friday. 

I've also been nominated for an award through my voluntary work. One of my reviews (From Dust) is up for it, and you can vote for me HERE.

And the Publisher I Interned for back in February got back in contact, after I sent my Manuscript to him. He sent it on to the appropriate people and told me that he's going to keep on top of it. I look forward to hearing from them. 

It's amazing how days change so dramatically. I'm looking forward to the weekend again, when I get to see everyone again. I don't know whether I'm particularly looking forward to it because I get to see HB again (naughty me), but it should be fun. I'm picking up GG now so I won't be arriving alone, too early, or too late, so I'll be able to deliver Cherrybelly to the Station on the Sunday if you like Tag. 

I shouldn't get too drunk (I'll be stupid again, undoubtedly - Tag, you're the BT inspector! lol) (unless of course you see that alcohol is required in every aspect of the evening - it's easy to say things when drunk).

Is anyone baking a cake? HB will be pissed if no one bakes a cake. Lots of things to think about.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Quickly, Call the Men in White Coats...

So, I know this is my third post today, but I just wanted to continue a line of thought that has seemingly plagued me all day...

Why would she invite me if she didn't want me there? Why would she even invite me if she was ignoring me?

I think she doesn't want to upset the balance, as much as it has already been upset. Or could it actually be, that she wants me there? I don't think either of us has celebrated the other's birthday without one and other for the last four years, so I suppose you could blame it on routine. Oh I don't know...

I have a theory. I will admit, in September, I did send HB a message that was rather sentimental and the like, basically saying that I missed her. That was the 13th (I'm being an accidental detective stalker tonight). By happy coincidence, this evening, I was reading through HB's back-log of work and I stumbled upon something that I thought was really very beautiful - you might have read it already, but if not, it's linked HERE. 

But anyway, this evening, because I might be reading into things, I re-read the description, and then read the comment that wasn't mine (I hadn't seen it before).

The piece description went like this:

"Inspiration comes in short bouts, but i wanted to write. I felt that i needed to put some words to paper. Words are so powerful, emotional, destructive.

I've been thinking a lot lately. 

Trying to look forwards to something. But there is something so hollow about a few seconds from now. Something that lacks mystery, lacks power. Perhaps, someday, we will find our way again."

And the comment was this:

"Wow, I'm not sure I've read much of your stuff like this. I don't know if there's more, but if there has been, it's been a long time since I've read any of it. But this was very emotional, because I feel like I can truly relate. Hopefully things will start looking more up for you love. I got ya. "

It made me question what she was thinking about, and as it was posted on the 17th, only 4 days after my heart-felt message, I'm thinking I know what she was thinking - obviously I can't prove it, but that's where my mind is at this evening. I know that she cares, even though she says she doesn't. She has her reasons, and she's stubborn. Things will work out for the better I think.

Either way, at the moment, I'm slightly hopeful for this weekend's jollities. All the anxiety attacks, the weeks in bed, in silence, and all the loneliness, might come to a head, I might get some answers (whether I like them or not), I might get some closure...

Tell me to shut I because I'm being a mental. Hopefully, if I finally get a good night's sleep (it was a nice sleep at yours Tag, but I still had complex dreams), I'll wake up completely fine tomorrow, and my madness will have subsided considerably. 

This mad man will be getting on with something less mental now, so Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Madness...

It's official, I've gone mad... 

I was just in the kitchen prancing around saying 'Does she like me, does she not? What am I doing? Ignore her, ignore her, ignore her! Do I need a banana?' And then I thought about asking her whether she wants me there on Saturday or not, drinking, merrymaking (or at least trying to do all of the above).

I definitely got out of the wrong side of the bed today. Job applications were completed and sent away, comic strips were written and drawn, I've been watching House Season 7, and everything has just flown by. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I care too much I think. And that's why it matters, to me at least. The more everyone says ignore her, forget her, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a stupid situation. You might think it's a stupid situation you might think she's being mean, but weeks ago she said that she was going to do this, and it would be for my own good. 

She said she wasn't doing this to be mean. 

But I fear that it's not worked for my own good, and it's definitely not worked if this was to help us in the long-term. If she was doing this to get out, then that's also not working. Is it wrong that I'm determined she's not getting out of this that easy. 

I don't know what's going to happen, and Wodge don't worry about the difficult questions, they need to be asked. I can't see the future, but I wish I could. 

I can honestly say that I've not felt this way about anyone before. But I can also say that I don't know whether these feelings will go away or not (the difficult question answered a bit more roundly). It's the follow the heart conundrum. I aim to be happy, and just be comfortable. 

I apply for jobs I'm not likely to get because they are writing jobs, and I don't have enough real-world writing experience. I'm afraid of other employment because I have a stupid thing saying 'this isn't what you want' in the back of my head (but I apply for them anyway, I'm not that stupid).

Okay, I am being stupid - but if she's ignoring me, why has she started 'liking' almost all of my Facebook things for the past week? Why did she respond to the text? Why am I still going on about this?!

Secretly, for the past 3 months I've been hoping that she's been reading these. I've been hoping that she's been thinking, at length, about everything I've been thinking about. I hope, I hope, I hope, and I suppose that's the one thing that got me into this whole mess (I think)...hope.

In all honesty, I don't care whether HB and I are going to be a couple or not. The one thing I do care about is whether HB and I are best friends. I doubt anything will be the same. I know, that I have feelings, she knows I have feelings, were we just too comfortable?

I don't want to factor in anyone else, because anyone else shouldn't matter in the equation. This is my problem, and I'm very thankful for you all trying to help me with it. But for now I'm either saying, why now? Or stop reading into it. See I told you I was mad.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

Like Death...

Errrrrrrghghghghgh...

Well, this morning I felt like death. I feel much better now, but still, it has to be said...death.

I know I haven't written in a while, it's getting quite frustrating. The weekend felt good, I went to a Cowpots Surprise Birthday party, it was fun, and there was much merriment. I got to hang out with everyone, well mostly everyone. And there was a lot of wine and drink, and food. So tasty.

It was good seeing Wodge again, and there was one thought that crept up on me, and I wasn't expecting it - what if HB and I stay away for a year, get our own lives, and then come back and everything will be where it was. I doubt that, but blah.

Everyone's telling me to ignore her, forget her, move on, yes it's certainly a case of easier said than done. Wodge started talking to me about my feelings towards HB and they were really tough questions Wodge - I don't know if I'd still like her when I'm married with kids. I think if I did, I wouldn't have a wife and kids. 

I don't know. And I don't think anyone does.

I also came to the realisation, that before HB the last girl I probably, properly fancied, was in Year 8. The Second Year debacle was definitely a self-destructive phase - and don't ask me about it, there are somethings that I don't want to revisit or tell anyone about. 

We can't continue like this, otherwise our friends are going to become just one of our friends, or every gathering is going to be awkward, and ignored, and blah blah. 

If we push each other away we're not going to be the friends that we say we are. This doesn't feel like a friendship - or at least not one I've ever been a part of. It's weird.

It's good to know that the trust is still there though. I asked for her username and password to some software she gave me a while ago, and she replied with haste. 

She's also drawn some badass fanart of my comic strip - The Skyrim Escapades. I shouldn't read into it, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but do so. 

Blah, blah, blah, I have not made logical sense. I don't know why, we'll see what happens later on to see if I can translate any of this.

Until next time bloggers...

A Few More Ups and Downs...

I'd firstly like to start my addressing and apologising to DarkHorse:

'I'm very sorry for forgetting to apply for the list of Civil Service jobs you sent me. I was half way through applying for one when something must have happened, I don't know what it was, or would have been, but it completely slipped my mind until you reminded me today. And unfortunately the application process had ended. I'm sorry for your wasted efforts, but I'm very grateful for your effort

Sorry again.'

And that might lead on to something I may or may not discuss today, it all depends on where my mind goes. In fact, my mind is exactly what I aim to talk about for a short while. I have no clue what it's doing or why it's doing it. I remember dates and times and things, but I really can't remember why they're relevant. I only know I'm busy on Saturday, and Next Saturday, and the Saturday after that, etc., but I can just about remember why. 

Obviously I know what's happening on the 13th, no need to discuss that. Really it should be the 15th, but we're not young and free any more. 

Using Facebook, however, I could tell you that this Saturday is a Cowpot's birthday (look it up, the ice cream is wonderful), but I've started to relate that as the next time I get to see Tag, Cherrybelly, and Wodge (as I've learnt that Pill and DarkHorse won't be present). I suppose that's a very good thing. But my mind's all muddled.

I woke up this morning, and all it seemed to be set on was HB, as cliched as it might sound. It wondered how she was, and what she was doing. (It turned out that HB was sent the same vacancies by DarkHorse and she also failed to apply for them - at least I'm not the only one in her bad books.) And then it thought that how am I going to ignore her, if she's ignoring me. It's quite difficult, to say the least.

Anyway, HB left my mind, not long after I reached the Job Centre (ah yes, it's a Job Centre day). Having been, apparently, unable to find employment for the 9 months I've been on Job Seekers, I've no got a definite time limit of the 31st October or else!...but we'll get on to that.

Advisor, my Advisor if you hadn't guessed, hasn't been seeing me my entire time at the Job Centre, she was newly trained and I waited until August to meet her. And that's only really when the Job Centre became useful to me. Anywho, I gave Advisor a copy of Real Magic, and she seems to be enjoying it. She said it was exciting and intriguing as she read it. She's still reading it, but that was good hearing that (it's only been rejected 3 times so far by Wade and Doherty, Diana Banks, and Johnathon Clowes). 

But that was the good news I received today, she then went on to say the ultimatum. And we got talking, and I should have really been put onto a Government Work Program on the 6th (something Advisor doesn't want me to do because it's for the people who want to stay on benefit) so she boosted me until the 31st. She stuck her own neck out for me. I offered to Sign Off if she was going to get in trouble, and avoid the Work Program, as advised, but she said that she would do this instead. 

So, October 2012 is when I get a job. I have to, otherwise I'll be letting someone else down, and I think we can all agree, I've done far too much of that this month.

Time to get my fucked up life in order. It's not as fucked up as most, but you know. I've managed to fracture my uni friendship circle, I've failed to get so many jobs (due to being unsuitable), and I'm sure I've disappointed all of you at least once.

I can't seem to forget all my failures, my mistakes, and all the people I miss/have wronged, and yet I'm forgetting everything else. Perhaps, if I start getting things right, things might get back to normal, who knows.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

P.S. Hello India, it's been a looong while. I'm glad you think I've grown as a person. I was talking earlier, with Clareg, about how both me and he have changed so much in all our years as friends (I've known him since he was 4).

P.S.S. Tag, talking about what your mother was doing when she was your age sounded awesome. I think my mother was either in Admin or Education and my Father was in Uni until he was 29, the lucky sod lol.

Lethargy...

There's definitely been something quite lethargic about me of late...

Well, there's still no job, but my mentor has told me that that's no bad thing - I've got a lot going for me, I cartoon, I've got a novel out there, I'm getting cartoons published, I'm constantly working on The Writing People website, and I might even make some merchandise type stuff to go with it. Also, on the checklist, is a Creative Writing course that I agreed to do back in either May or June - long story short life certainly got in the way and I didn't get round to doing it, along with HB (awkward), and I'm now back on track, only to find out that it's no longer needed, because there was a time limit - even though I wasn't ever told about that bit.

I'm not angry...I think I'm actually still going to do it for them, and see if they have any money in the future to hold it. I just feel sorry, because I said I'd do it, and I now feel like I've failed them (which I have). I'm going to write them a Creative Writing course anyway I think. I'm also going to continue writing content for their website - they always say nice things about my writing.

Today, and most of the weekend - when I could have been doing lots of things - I've been sort of stuck in a rut, mainly with issues revolving around my life, and not my imagination. I have all these ideas, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything about them.

Have I spent my creative energies on Real Magic? Was that it for this year?

I was reading Tag's blog earlier, and from what I can tell, he feels like he's free falling, he doesn't know where his life is going, and it's probably not where he thought it was at this point in time. He has a job, a girlfriend, an independence and I'm jealous of him. On the flip-side, I've had the time to write, explore creative outlets, and be free from life for a long while now. I hope he's jealous of me (be jealous of me!)

We all want each other's lives I think. Which is why everything feels so right when we're all together, like the puzzle pieces coming together. And that what everyone's friends are there for. Maybe their families too, but I don't think I would count my family in the normal feeling whole thing.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I never know where I'm going with this.

I've been given new ideas, new 'tactics' as some people would describe them, so I'll try and stick to the regime.

My mother's in the hospital at the moment, so we've been visiting her. She's doing fine, she thinks the doctors are making a fuss over nothing.

I'm watching 50/50 now, and it's not really improving my mood.

Let's get ready to put this week behind us. Weekend celebrations are approaching. Bring it on.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

I Feel Used...

Yep, it's one of those posts...

As you know, mainly because I keep bringing this up, HB and I are still in some sort of situation...apparently. She might have moved on, but I'm still here wondering why and how? WTF happened?

She still doesn't return texts, which is especially difficult as we were arranging lifts to the airport with each other's parents. I'm quite surprised that she didn't say to me that her Dad was giving her a lift, and left it at that. I don't know, it's a month away, everyone's busy as hell - myself included - and I just don't hangout with anyone anymore. 

Uni life was great, I was living with friends, and we got to hangout every single day, and since then the only times that feeling has reoccurred have been when visiting said friends or when HB invited me over or came over mine for days at a time.

Am I being stupid or is this whole thing a little odd?

If she had those feelings before the events of the night I can't remember, then she never told me about them. She always called me her Best Friend, and everything, but now when we occasionally talk, because we're in the same place, it always seems a bit hollow and fake. 

Has anyone else noticed?

I finally twigged the other day, when I was over Pill's a while back I said that I felt used, but I couldn't explain why, and then when I was over Cherrybelly's and Tags a while later, Cherrybelly used the word 'used' as well. Was I being used the whole time? Was there nothing really there from her point of view? She always called herself a bitch, but I never believed it, I still don't.

...FYI I have quite a high bitch standard, and HB never even got on the scale...

Was she just using me for companionship until someone else came along or something? Well, as you might remember from a few posts ago, and I know you're reading this religiously because I recently surpassed 3000 views on this blog (YAY me), I had the pleasure of playing Borderlands 2 with her on the weekend. She had invited everyone else, and it was just happenstance that she and I were the only two to have the game, and were thus placed together by the offer. Anyway, that seemed nice enough.

A few days later she even sent me a message on Xbox saying 'help :(' and I was a few levels higher, and assisted her, stopping my own game.

I had a bit of a busy week, and I was unable to play the game a bit, but I discovered yesterday, that I needed some assistance, and invited her to join my party - that was Xbox talk right there. A few deaths later, still nothing, so I did it a final time, and I was still met with silence.

Mixed messages, double standards, the whole shabang. Anyway, I plodded along and eventually overcame my hardship, and was invited to help GG's counterpart complete a few missions as well.

But I don't know, what do you think I should do? Tag's apologise idea, went down the toilet months ago, and it was particularly hard hitting when you find that you don't know what you're apologising for, and when you realise that you're apologising for liking her it seems very stupid.

I can't help it can I, so suggestions are very much welcome. We go to Venice in November. You have your time limit.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...

A Few Ups And Downs...

Well, this week I had an interview...

I know right? But please, exhale from your astonished gasp now and I will tell you how my week is going. I think this week is a busy week in the life of me at the moment - well I say that, I have a daily unpaid routine of housework and my own work that I aim to do, but this weekend was filled with Borderlands 2 as illustrated by myself in this week's Badly Drawn Adventure on wearethewritingpeople.co.uk

So, after that quite relaxed weekend, well relaxed as can be with housework and you know, other family members, Monday came around and I was blissfully alone again.

I applied for some jobs, wrote a review of Borderlands and set it away to IGN.com, I sent away a few comic strips to the Seaside News, and then I got on with the game. Now keep in mind that I had done all that before midday, so yay me!

1pm came and I got a phone call asking me whether I would be interested in an interview on the Tuesday (the day after), I enthusiastically replied and we agreed the time, and that was that, I returned to my game with even more achievement in my mind.

You should also remember that I've only managed to acquire 1 interview in all my 8 months as a Job Seeker, so to have a second was excellent news.

Anyway, Tuesday comes, and here's where it gets messy...

I woke up early, calculating my daily schedule - I had a Prince's Trust meeting at 11am and the interview wasn't until 2:45pm so I had time. I got up, dressed, readied myself.

UP - I got a lift to the station from my father, who offered.

DOWN - I completely forgot my PIN at the station to buy a ticket, so I had to resort to cash before I locked my card, at the station.

UP - in Cardiff I had time to spare so I went exploring to find the place of my interview and an ATM to practice my PIN, I got it right and I was a bit chuffed.

DOWN - I got to the Costa I was meeting my Prince's Trust Mentor in, and I typed in what I thought my PIN was, but it turned out the ATM had tricked me, and I managed to lock my card. I paid for my coffee in coins, and I was skint. 

UP - my meeting with the Prince's Trust was very productive, informing, and useful. I'm encouraged to set myself some goals to achieve before the next meeting hence having written, edited, and sent away Real Magic, and sent away my comic strip, etc. I also applied for a Grant from the Prince's Trust for £250.

DOWN - I had time to kill between the meeting and the interview, in the rain.

UP - I waited in a comfortable chair in the bank while I sorted out my card problems. I've got a new PIN and Card in the post, somewhere.

DOWN - it rained almost all the time between my bank issues and the interview, so I was a bit wet.

UP - I filled out the form they wanted me to, making sure my contact details were correct, and up-to-date. (It was a bit awkward writing in the employment section - Unemployed.)

DOWN - So what interest do you have in Sales and Marketing?...erm. Now I don't know about you, but those sorts of questions scare me. The Job Application didn't actually say anything about Sales or Marketing - it was more along the lines of '!FILM AND GAME FANATICS WANTED!' - I tried to research the company as well, but their website was a bit dated, and their press releases, and I committed them all to memory - there were only three - were about 1. Businesses need Social Networks, 2. Cardiff Business School's New Building, and 3. NASA make a Comet Harpoon. 

I obviously couldn't put two and two together, linking Sales and Marketing to NASA, but there you go.

My interviewer, giving me the hard sale, told me that it was basically a door-to-door sales person position trying to sell LoveFilm to households. There were two things flying around in my head when I was told that, I hate the door-to-door salesmen, and I'm a Netflix customer (LoveFilm's main competitor). 

I didn't say any of that by the way, it was just a quick 15mins preliminary interview, and he said that I would get a phone call later on that evening, whether or not I had acquired a second interview on either Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. 

I got home and waited...

And waited, and waited, and waited...

It's Thursday now, and I think it's safe to say that I didn't get the position. Oh well, it was a commission only position anyway, and I don't think I could work hard at something I don't particularly want to do, with no guarantee of getting paid at the end of the day.

Anyway, that was that. And I got to go to a Job's Fair in Bridgend Recreation Centre yesterday. Which basically went something like, all the unemployed people in Bridgend descend upon this one place in the hopes of getting a job. 

The thought went through my mind that it could have been a trap and we were all just going to be culled to reduce the unemployed statistic. 

Anyway, I was there, with all my unemployed brethren, and upon speaking to the majority of people - the GoWales and Bridgend College people were useful - I told them that I was a Graduate of Creative Writing, and their eyes shot open with fright. 'And what do you want to do with that?' they asked, as if I was being a stupid person, 'Well, I'd quite like to be a writer,' was my reply. 

Needless to say, the construction industry, along with nearly all the recruitment officials there were could not help me. 

I did bump into a very nice Work Experience Journalist for the Gazette on my way to the Job Centre though. She was trying to find people who had watched 'The Valleys' or whatever it was called. We talked a bit about work experience and such and she had managed to get 3-days out of the gazette. 3-DAYS!

I'm sorry, but people at the Gazette, 3-days is just not good enough. That's not an experience of work, that's hardly a taster. She wasn't even mentored (I suppose you don't actually have to be to write, but still).

So in the last fortnight I've managed to apply for 2 Grants, get nominated for 2 Awards, and I'm going to be published in the Seaside News soon. But I'll probably tell you all about that later on.

Carpe diem, until next time bloggers...